Emotional Affairs vs. Friendships: How to Know the Difference

Cheating doesn’t always involve physical contact. In a lot of cases, people end up having emotional affairs long before kissing or sex get involved. Usually, a man or woman will start out having a platonic friendship that develops into something much deeper, which ultimately harms their marriage. It’s OK to have friendships outside your marriage, but it’s important to keep healthy boundaries in place so you don’t start having an emotional affair.

At times, however, it can be difficult to notice that you’re falling into an emotional entanglement until it’s too late. 

Friendship vs. emotional affair

A friendship crosses over into an emotional affair when a person starts putting a significant amount of emotional energy into a relationship with someone other than their partner. This usually is in the form of time, attention, and emotional investment. In day to day life, this involves turning to someone other than your partner on a regular basis and relying on this other person to support your emotional needs during tough times. You may also be spending a lot more time with this other person when you could be at home connecting with your spouse.

Another warning sign is your appearance. If you find yourself dressing up more often and trying to look a certain way whenever you meet up with your friend, there’s a strong chance you’re crossing into an emotional affair. If you’re dressing up, it means you want the person to notice how good you look and to appreciate what they see. You wouldn’t care as much about what you were wearing if you were just meeting a friend. 

Emotional affairs also often evolve into physical affairs. A common aspect of emotional affairs is the potential for flirting and joking around. It could be that you just enjoy the extra attention, or you might be physically attracted to the person you’re choosing to spend your time with. Be careful not to brush off flirting as a common behavior you do with your friend. It’s likely a sign that you’re attracted to that person. Plus, you may be giving your friend misguided ideas about your affection. Over time, flirting and the connection you’ve built can lead to cheating on your partner.

Avoid an emotional affair

You can take several steps to keep from falling into an emotional affair. Below are a few ideas to help you avoid cheating and keep your relationship intact. 

Set boundaries

It’s best to set boundaries for yourself with your friend if you feel any attraction or suspect you could fall into an emotional affair. It’s also a good idea to talk about these boundaries with your partner. Set them together so you both have an understanding of what is acceptable and off-limits within your relationship. For example, it’s usually a good idea not to discuss your sex life or relationship problems with other people, particularly ones you may be attracted to. It’s also important not to hide things from your partners like text messages, meetings, and phone calls. You should always be able to tell your spouse about your activities without feeling any sense of guilt about who you are with.  

Avoid personal conversations

Emotional affairs often begin when one person in a relationship isn’t feeling heard or understood by their partner. When this happens, it’s easy to seek an understanding shoulder to lean on. You might start venting to that coworker who is always so sweet and caring when you have something to say. Suddenly, you’re always going to that person when you’re having problems with your relationship or other personal matters. Before you know it, you’re completely invested in a relationship with someone other than your spouse. 

Communicate with your partner

Find ways to connect with your partner on a regular basis. Losing touch with one another leaves room for other relationships to develop. You need to communicate with your spouse every day about the things that are going well in your life as well as things that are bothering you. It’s also important to work out disagreements. Ignoring arguments can lead to resentment which only creates space for more trouble in the long run. 

Speak with a professional

When you seek out an emotional affair, it’s a red flag that something is not right in your relationship. It could be you and your partner have lost touch or you don’t know how to communicate with each other anymore. If you find yourself regularly seeking out the attention and comfort of others, or suspect your spouse may be doing something similar, then it’s time to speak with a professional. 

To find out more about professional counseling options, please visit my infidelity counseling page. It’s not too late to strengthen your relationship and find a path back to the person you love.