Having Relationship Problems?

Relationship problems don't need to lead to the end of your relationship or marriage. Most often, they are a sign that you and your spouse might need some professional help in the form of marriage counseling.What kind of relationship problems are you dealing with? Many times, I hear from distressed couples who call say that they are dealing with communication issues, which is an umbrella term for many different things.

Typical topics that create relationship problems for couples (but not limited to these):

• Money problems

• Sex or sexual intimacy issues

• Family of origin issues

• Kids

• Domestic maintenance issues, like chores, cleaning, general responsibilities

• Different life-goals, or long-term differences

• Bad habits, including smoking, eating, not taking care of oneself, etc.

• Friends

• Work, including workaholism

• Infidelity, cheating or marital affairs

• General unhappiness

• Repressed anger or resentment

• Communication issues

• Addiction, including alcohol, drugs, spending, gambling, technology, porn

• Not listening to your spouse

• Not feeling loved, validated or connected

• Feeling invisible in your relationship

• Abuse, including verbal, physical or emotional

• People pleasing behavior

Diagnosing the problem is the first step to fixing it. You need to know what the problem is first, because sometimes, it's not clear. You may both not be on the same page about what the problem is, or one or more of you may not be communicating about it to even put it out on the table.After that, both of you need to really be willing and able to start to work on the problems, even if you don't know exactly what they are, because without the commitment of both partners to work on the relationship problems, it's difficult to move through them effectively, and get in the door of marriage or couples counseling.Talking with your spouse in a kind, non-threatening way is a good start. You want to speak from your own distress and your own experience. Saying something like the following is advantageous to blaming the other person, or leaving them feeling criticized, "You know, we've been struggling for a while now, and I'm really scared or concerned that without getting the right help, we're not going to progress and our relationship might fall apart.

Would you be willing to help me and help our relationship by seeking out professional help? We can't do it on our own."Criticizing them, or making them back into a corner, because you're putting the problems on them is not going to work (e.g. "It's your fault or marriage is here. If you hadn't done _____ or ______," we probably wouldn't be starting down divorce.). Your spouse is human, and will experience defensiveness, aggression or resistance to whatever you are wanting from them (in this case professional help). They are more likely to not agree to get help, even if they might have been reluctant but persuaded with another, more effective attempt like in the preceding paragraph.Or, they might not be ready for couples or marriage counseling right now. They may need more of an "intro," so checking out different therapists, reading up on marriage counseling, looking through marriage books or even seeking out a one-day couples retreat, often times through a religious organization, might be the "foot in" that your spouse needs to warm up to the idea of couples or marriage counseling.You can't force them to seek out help, and you certainly can't reform them if they're unwilling to get help. It may be advantageous to look at your own motivations if you're trying to get your spouse to do something that he/she doesn't want to do, because there may be an unhealthy relationship "codependency" that you have developed in trying to get them to seek out help, when they never will. Your marriage or relationship may be defined by that dysfunctional pattern, and you may want to reconsider your role in that, and what you're getting (or not getting) out of holding on.Here's the hope: relationship problems can, most often times, come to a happy ending, if both partners are willing to show up and put the work in. Most things can be worked through to success, as irreparable as they may seem or as dire straits as you feel you're in.

I've seen plenty of couples repair through some pretty difficult stuff, but a lot of that depends on you and your spouse's commitment to change, to seek professional help out regularly, and to have a capacity to take responsibility and ownership for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors that contribute to the problems. This takes developing self-awareness, which is a part of any good couples therapy experience.But, as much as those all those factors do come together and help heal relationship problems, they sometimes do not, and that leaves the couple considering ending their relationship or marriage.

This is, unfortunately, a reality of seeking out counseling, because one or more partners may be "beyond help," either because their dysfunctional behaviors are too resilient to change, or the motivation to change isn't there. It doesn't necessarily mean that the couples or marriage counseling process isn't working, because the couple brings a lot to the table that can end up in lack of success.You want to choose a relationship or marriage partner that you can work with, whom you trust and can "see" the ingrained and habitually dysfunctional patterns that you and your spouse have created. You want to seek out someone who will get to the root of your issues, not just gloss over them and have you just do exercises, homework, affirmations, reading, or stay really "therapeutically distant," especially when you're dealing with a lot of contention in your marriage.

If substance use is creating relationship problems for you, either with drugs or alcohol, the substance abuse problem needs to be addressed before the underlying relationship problem can be addressed.Often times, spouses who are abusing or addicted to alcohol or other substances benefit from a recovery program, like Alcoholics Anonymous or Smart Recovery program, in addition to seeking out marriage counseling.These are but a few of the thoughts I have on understanding your relationship problems, diagnosing them, and getting into professional help t deal with them. I could expound on any number of these issues, but the bottom line is this: you both have to be equally willing and open to get help to deal with your relationship problems, or else your relationship or marriage may be in more trouble. If you’re interested in learning more about the couples and marriage counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Marriage and couples counseling section for more detail .