Hang On To Your Ego
The meteoric rise of Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential campaign has left me thinking a lot about the role of ego display, and how attracted we are to it. As a culture, we equate having an ego with self-confidence. If you have a sufficiently-sized ego, you can attract wealth, power and attention from others wishing to be you, or who want to live vicariously through you.The problem is that our constant promenading of our ego in the world is a quest for recognition from others, and it is disingenuous and takes a lot work and mental and emotional energy to uphold. When we want people to connect with our facade, instead of our true self, we risk loneliness, rejection and dependency on others, and are never truly being seen by the world as we are, except through our neatly constructed masks we show to others. We are in constant hunger for our egos to be validated by others, which is an impossible feat when others are not reliable to do so, not responsible for our egos and generally not interested in feeding them.Being confident in yourself, and showing it to the world, is different: it doesn’t require energy to uphold an ego. It’s more organic. The problem with upholding an ego is that is takes a ton of work and energy, and the idea of it being brought down threatens our very well-being and our good standing in other people’s minds.
Impressing Others
We spend much time worrying about what other people think of us. Just think of what we could do with the time, money and energy we spend trying to make others like us! We try to dress the right way, say the right things, and drive the right cars in hopes that we’re fulfilling our own fantasy of keeping up with the Jones. Is it working? What do we get at the end of the day when we’ve thoroughly impressed those that need to be impressed? Does that make our lives that much better to keep striving in that way?Maybe we’re trying to impress ourselves, as well. It’s possible that we’re doing things in the world to make ourselves look better to ourselves, as well as others. Maybe we don’t even want to really do the things we’re doing, but think it’s the right way to do it based on our conditioning and the messages we received growing up. We spend endless time, money and energy propping up our egos, thinking that will make us better people, when, in actuality, it doesn’t. We aren’t any happier at the end of the day through that pursuit.
Masking Inferiority and Inadequacy
Egotism masks deeper inferiority, shame and inadequacy, and many of us need look a certain way, because we’re not happy with how we are underneath it all. Buffering the ego gives us a sense of security, albeit a false one, that we are loved, accepted and praised by others for what we do, how we live and what we have done as productive people - not necessarily for who we are as people.So many men I talk with say that they feel worthless, like a failure or inadequate, but you would never know it. I talk with men who have no idea that other men feel the way that they feel, yet there are so many guys feeling the same way. They’ve spent their lives working on bettering their ego, instead of trying to better themselves as people.It’s hard dealing with those negative feelings, let alone knowing that they’re even there. We often don’t have many opportunities to confront our worthlessness or inadequacy, or even want to, when we’re distracted by so many other things in our lives. Sometimes, with a job loss or a relationship crisis, those feelings bubble up to the surface, and then we’re left scrambling to figure out how to deal with them. But, more often, we just go about our days unaware of the deep pain and vulnerability we carry along with us, like heavy luggage, because it’s out of sight, and out of mind.In fact,dealing with our inadequacy makes us better people, and better human beings. It allows to to relax “working” to uphold an image or our egos, and makes people connect more easily with us. I think people naturally gravitate towards being real and being authentic, and can’t genuinely connect with an aggrandized ego, as much as we convince ourselves of that “fact."
What We Do To Feel Valued and Powerful
Choosing friends to reflect lifestyle status, rather than choosing them because they’re good people for you
Getting into debt unconsciously because you need to own a house/car/etc. to feel like you’ve “made it,” rather than because you really want it for yourself or actually need the thing you’re purchasing
Lie about ourselves, or fabricate the truth about ourselves, in order to be loved or liked by others
Seeking out the attention of women (emotionally, verbally, sexually) while you’re in a relationship already
Trying to impress people rather than connect with them; being phony versus being authentic
Spending on others because you want to be liked or be seen as someone important, instead of actually being able to afford it or want to spend money on them
Constantly bragging about your wealth/degrees/vacations/homes/etc. to get attention or validation from others, rather than connecting with them as you already are without the stuff
Getting into a career or job because of the prestige/power/money, and not because you really like it, want to do it or because it’s fulfilling to you
Allow your spouse to live outside of your means, because you’re trying to please her or can’t say ‘no’
Put on a mask socially, one that is different from who you are as a person, in order to make people like you
People please others, and don’t assert our ‘no’ because we don’t want to suffer rejection or not being liked
Living with Yourself As You Are
Unfortunately, men are seen as weak or as “not being men,” when they deal with their own inferiority or inadequacy. That’s too bad, because I think we can grow when we deal with those deeper and more hidden truths about ourselves, rather than reject them to build the ego up.
The only people that can truly reject us for being genuine are ourselves, and if others choose to not be in our lives because we decide to relax the ego, it’s their loss. True friends and those that really support you will be attracted to emotional honesty and growth, not superficial things that only displaying the ego can bring.
If you’re interested in learning more about the Men’s counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Men’s counseling page for detail.
