The Emotional Impact of Absent Fathers
Whether physically or emotionally unavailable, the emotional impact of absent fathers on men cannot be understated. So much of how we define ourselves - for better or for worse - reflects our relationships (or lack thereof) with our fathers - the first men we encounter and model in the world.When men aren't there, because they're working, avoidant, caught up in alcohol, drugs or gambling, or have not lived up to their parenting responsibilities, boys suffer. They do worse in school, are more prone to self-esteem problems and violent outbursts, and tend to make poorer choices for themselves.One of the ways in which the emotional impact of absent fathers plays out is in self-esteem. Men that I speak with often trace their sense of failure or not being good enough to their fathers. Either their dads were absent (emotionally or physically), or were so hard on them that they incorporated those negative messages about themselves into their personality structure.
As a result, low self-esteem gets generated, and these boys that don't feel good about themselves turn into men that don't feel good about themselves. Those men are more prone to make bad decisions, not take risks because they don't believe in themselves, or choose partners that reflect their own low self-esteem.In relationships, or marriages, this low self-esteem simmers underground. These men may not be able to incorporate the love of their partner, because they don't love themselves. They may choose behaviors that create more problems, like cheating, alcohol abuse, avoidance, because the pain of those feelings surrounding low self-esteem (e.g. worthlessness, inferiority, inadequacy or feeling like a failure) are too painful to deal with, so they mask them and cover them up with harmful behaviors that get them into more trouble. The coping skills that they choose keep digging them a hole.
Men also seek out father figures when their own father isn't available, either emotionally or physically. There is a longing "vacuum", or emptiness, that seeks to unconsciously be filled, usually with surrogates that present some type of problem or don't quite do the job. In fact, no person or surrogate can fill the void; it can only be filled by stopping the search and providing it to oneself emotionally.A lot of men don't have the skills that they need to thrive, or even survive, in situations that demand their emotional participation, like marriages or parenting. Without this emotional skill set, men founder. They are less successful in parenting, in their marriage, and in their professional lives. They lack the "glue" to keep male friendships going, and turn to harmful behaviors, like mentioned above.What do I mean by "emotional skill set"? Making emotional contact in an intimate relationship requires "tools" like identifying, naming and communicating vulnerable emotions by way of risking disclosure through authenticity. Being authentic, bringing down your ego or facade, and risking "opening up" and letting someone else in emotionally, and recognizing a deep trust that things will be o.k. - that you and your ego won't be destroyed in the process.
This is one of the toughest things for men to do, especially since we live in a culture that bombards us daily about being a successful man by "manning up" and pushing our emotions ay down, out of reach of ourselves and others.If men have learned how to "shut down" by their fathers, it's their responsibility as men to learn something different for themselves. Guys can only blame their fathers so much for the deficiencies that they have inherited by their dads; only after deep emotional recognition and transformation of those neurotic and dysfunctional lessons, can we really start to author our own lives, and break free from the chain of generational problems we've gotten from our fathers, and they from their own.
Emotions are everything. They are the core drivers of our behaviors, and consequent decisions. They affect every nook and cranny of our life, and understanding them and communicating them will develop men, not feminize them. If you’re interested in learning more about the Men’s counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Men’s counseling page for detail.
