The Problems With Avoiding Your Problems
Just because you've gotten good at avoiding your problems, doesn't mean that they've gone away. In fact, more often than not, they will fester and grow, coming out in all sorts of unexpected places in your life: self-esteem, other relationships with spouse and kids, and in your mental health.As humans, we seek to avoid painful experiences, and try to attract pleasurable ones. In many ways, this works well. This keeps us away from people or situations that can harm us, from an evolutionary perspective, and keeps us safe and out of danger. But, what happens when we are no longer under the threat of anything harming us? Why do we still run from things that we perceive as a threat to our well being, like negative emotions?As adults, we've forgotten that the things that caused us emotional pain or suffering as children, are no longer threats.
Our subconscious does really good job of keeping us on the alert system, by repressing those painful emotions and damage that was inflicted on us when we were growing up. As adults, we come to learn to repress and avoid those painfully emotions at all costs, which can lead to other, more intense problems and issues in our adult lives.For example, if we were rejected by a parent growing up, or rejected by previous relationship partners, that fear of rejection is still present, and is usually avoided by our conscious minds. We avoid it. We get good at tricking ourselves, through mental gymnastics, that we are okay when really we're not. We rationalize, we play games, and we spend a lot of our mental energy working to keep ourselves away from those painfully emotions, but they still fester inside of us on a deep level. So, what happens is, we push people away, who are the very people that we really would like to get close to. By avoiding those painfully emotions about feeling rejected in the past, we reject others so that they won't reject us first.
By avoiding the pain of the rejection, we limit ourselves and our relationships with others as we protect ourselves.The emotions of fear, grief, or inferiority, to name a few, are normal and natural emotions, and when we can learn to dial into them and process them through, we will have no problems. But, if we continue to avoid them and seek to bury them, problems will inevitably pop-up in other parts of our lives, such as in our relationships. Those negative emotions may prohibit meaningful or deep connections with your spouse or your children, and may prevent you from enjoying a happier relationship with yourself. Avoiding painful emotions limits the breadth and possibility of a happier life, and ends up tightly constructing us around those negative emotions.
The emotions aren't what's so painful; it's our mental fear of going into them that is so difficult. Usually, once were actually in the emotions, they dissipate in a flash, and only stay around for a minute or so. But, because we get so good at avoiding them, we create all these assumptions based on our fears, which are not the truth, and they stay stuck in place for decades. If we can learn to be more present in our lives, and steer into the emotions, even if they're painful, we can usually wash them out and get on with life, so that they don't affect other parts of our lives.For men, this has historically been a sign of weakness - to be emotional and deal with one's problems. To understand and go into one's negative emotions has often signified a source of weakness, which is just not true.
I think that the stronger men are able to deal with their emotions, and then become more available to the people in their lives, rather than pushing them away or avoiding them. I don't think it's a source of weakness at all.Taking a risk and letting others into your life is hard, but it's worth it. Connection and intimacy are what women are looking for from men, and we really hinder ourselves if we're not able to open up to our emotions and deal with our problems. If you’re interested in learning more about the Men’s counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Men’s counseling page for detail.
