If You've Ever Been Cheated On, You Might Want To Know This

The unfortunate thing about being cheated on is that it's an unfortunate gift that keeps on giving. As if being cheated on is hard enough, often the negative effects of having been cheated on ripple out into other intimate relationships you may have. If you've ever been cheated on, you might want to know about this.

How it Affects Present Relationships
Sometimes, we convince ourselves that we've done our grieving or worked through the negative impact of being cheated on. We can get good at convincing ourselves or rationalizing that we're "over it", but are we really over it? Once we're in new relationships, sometimes the afterburn of being cheated on plays out with our new partners. Jealousy and suspicion sometimes irrationally creep in our minds, and we can't shake the idea that will be cheated on again. No matter what our partner says or does, or how much they convince us that they're not going to do whatever previous partner did to us, it's still not enough to shake those irrational thoughts. We ruminate and we obsess. In our minds, we think that our new partners are going cheat on us, when they probably won't. We harbor suspicion and doubt, and then end up acting in ways that push our partners away with that jealousy and doubt. We create what we fear.

Dealing with the original issue
You may have convinced yourself that you've dealt with being cheated on. Maybe you have, and maybe you haven't. It's not enough just to tell yourself that you'vegotten over it, or that you've healed. If you're still ruminating irrationally in your new relationship, that tells me that the work may not be over for you. You may have some unfinished business about being cheated on, so it would behoove you to get some professional help to work on those issues. Often times, there's a lot of pain, grief, rejection and anger associated with the partner that cheated on us, that we really never got to identify or process when it happened because we were so rattled at the time, or we didn't want to look at those feelings within us.I know that feeling rejected by your mate is probably one of the hardest things to deal with, because it cuts so deep personally. If they've cheated on you, it may translate for you to mean that you're flawed, or that you're not wanted by this person, and that they chose somebody better than you to be with, or at least to sleep with. It really may go to the core of your being, in terms of your confidence, feelings of security, and trust. All those issues are really major things, and if you haven't looked at those issues in depth, it might be in your benefit so that you allow yourself to be more emotionally available for your future relationships. The past affects us in the present so long as we haven't dealt with it.

On Trust
Trust is one of the most precious things to create in a relationship, and once that's been corrupted, it's really hard to get it back. It affects us negatively well into our future, when we choose our future partners and when we try to create new intimate relationships. We have to localize our trust issues, and really commit to working on them. We need to clear ourselves out emotionally to be able to learn to trust again. Even if you know your new relationship partner isn't going to cheat on you or compromise your trust, on an emotional level your heart maybe telling you something different from your head. Your head knows that they're not going to do anything to you rationally, but irrationally, the heart probably is telling you something else. It's telling you to watch out for danger, that you could be put in the very situation that you don't want to be in before.

Being Closed to VulnerabilityNaturally, when we've been hurt, we want to close up. We shut our doors to someone else, and we push people out. We don't want to risk being open and vulnerable to someone else, when we've been so hurt in the past. This limits our ability to deepen and strengthen our new relationships, as we're being held back by old ones.
If time goes on and you're continuing to be closed to your vulnerability, your new relationship partner may, in fact, be starting to react against you for that. They may withdraw, or attack, or eventually want to get their needs met from somebody else, thus fulfilling the prophecy you have inadvertently created for yourself. You don't want that, do you?It is possible to get past the negative effects of being cheated on.

It makes sense, if you want to have another trusting, open relationship with someone else. It's unfortunate that a lot of people never really work on the issues we talked about above, and stay needed to being single or not ever getting into another relationship because they're terrified of being cheated upon again. It may be difficult to work through all of the pain, rejection and grief that's associated with being cheated upon, but in the long run, you'll have invested in a happier future for yourself.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Infidelity counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Infidelity counseling page for detail.