Mindfully Saying 'No' To Others (And Surviving)

Saying no is a hard task most days, but holiday time can make it especially difficult. Nobody wants to feel like The Grinch during the best of times, and the ongoing pandemic has not made it easier. During these times, a lot of boundaries come up and are challenged, so we need to see how to say no to things that are not good for us and feeling OK with it. 

No can feel rude. After all, we are disappointing another person, in a sense, not going along with their ideas, and that can feel like we are doing something wrong. But this is not accurate. A no is a valuable tool for protecting our own well-being, time, and energy, and making decisions that work better for us. For instance, during the pandemic many people dismiss its severity and may want to get together. If you choose not to do it, you are protecting yourself and your family. 

Considering this, the first step to boundary setting is giving yourself permission to do it. Yes, you have the right of saying no. Even if others are disappointed or angry, the decision is always yours, and it’s something to keep in mind. Your first duty is to take care of yourself. 

Why Saying ‘No’ To Others is Hard

There are several things that can make this more difficult, and it helps to become aware of these and be mindful of the reasons why we might feel guilty when saying no. First, there is often a desire to please others. We are taught to be nice and not make others feel bad, but saying no is not rude. Other people can become disappointed  due to their own expectations, and that is not something we can help.

Another reason is FOMO or fear of missing out. We might feel like we should say yes to the opportunities in front of us and that no-s might keep us from having new experiences. However, even so we have the right to prioritize our time and need to be mindful. We don’t have unlimited time or energy, so we can’t possibly do it all. During the pandemic, FOMO can be a little dangerous, as it might push us to agree to events before it’s safe. It’s  better to err on the side of caution and consider how us saying no might protect us and those closest to us. 

We might especially struggle to say no during the holidays, as there is an increased pressure to be generous and kind. It’s a time to be with the family, after all. But as the pandemic continues, it’s worth remembering that our health should be the priority, regardless of the social pressures to say yes to the family. 

Becoming more mindful of the beliefs or fears that make us say yes can make it easier to say no and give ourselves permission to do so. However, there are other things that can help us set boundaries. 

Steps to Saying ‘No’

First, we can prepare our arguments in advance. By creating a script we can use to say no to upcoming requests, it’s easier and less likely that we will get caught unawares. For instance, if you anticipate receiving social invitations, you might come up with a short script that says you are taking care of your health and using that to support your no. If people insist, they are the ones being rude, not you. Sticking to the script and repeating the same idea (e.g. “I am trying to be careful with my health, so I am not going out unless it’s essential”) can help you resist attempts at persuasion.

Another tip is to focus on the bigger picture, especially if we are prone to FOMO. Sure, we might enjoy ourselves at a party, but what happens in the two weeks after? This doesn’t mean that we should let anxiety consume us, but rather to take into account the potential consequences. There may be cases where these are worth it, but if they are not, they will help us feel more confident about that no. 

We can also rely on other people to help us. A trusted friend can help us see whether we are being irrational and support our will to say no. It is important, however, to turn to people who will support us and be authentic.

On Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is not some kind of divine gift. It is a skill we can develop through practice. Saying no to family members can be harder than to strangers in the street, but learning how to do it and practicing it can help us build the necessary “muscles”. We get better with practice, and if we have a hard time, saying no in low-stakes situations can provide us the chance to see that the sky doesn’t fall. Practice setting boundaries and saying no to make it easier on yourself.

Saying no and making clear where our boundaries are is a very important skill. It can be challenging to master and exhausting, especially during a time when we are facing so many other stressors. However, it is worth developing to protect our well-being and emotional stability. 

During a pandemic, we need to especially careful with what we agree to. We have every right to take care of our health first, even if other people take a lighter approach. The holidays don’t change that. Saying no is an essential tool for managing our time and ensuring that we stay healthy and happy. It’s important that we learn how to use it. Give yourself permission to say no and find tools that help you stick with it. It’s a skill that becomes vital during the pandemic, but that will be very important throughout your life.

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