Depression is the focus of April, and I’ll be talking about it for the duration of the month. I want to help you recognize if you’re depressed, and how to identify the symptoms of depression. Depression is quite common, especially for men, and the factors contributing to it are varied. According to the National Institute of Mental Health’s website, depression is different from normal “blues” in that is is not short-lived and it interferes with daily life and causes pain for you and others.

Here are 6 ways to know if you’re depressed:

1. You’ve lost interest in things that normally bring you pleasure, like eating, sexual intimacy, and being with friends or family.  “Plugging in” to your life becomes hard, and you feel like an outside observer to it.
2. Constant low energy drains you, and you feel fatigued, slower or “fuzzier” than normal.
3. Difficult feelings linger, like chronic sadness or hopelessness, feeling anxious, or a vague sense of emptiness. Something’s not feeling right inside of you, and you can’t quite put your finger on it.
4. Many men also feel irritable, stressed or even angry much of the time, for no reason why. This may not typically look like depression on the outside, but it’s underneath.
5. Your “blue” mood may be interfering with your ability to work, study, and sleep
6. The depression puts strain on your marriage or relationship, and on your wife or significant other

Depression varies from “dysthymia,” or low grade depression, to major depression. In the case of the former, many people are functional in their lives and work, but have an experience of “the blues” or low grade depression. In the case of the latter, major depression is usually debilitating and preventative of general functioning, such as taking care of oneself, getting to work, doing things around the house.

Sadness, on the other hand, is a normal part of the human experience. Often times, we can “process” sadness if we’re present, and it can work it’s way through as a normal emotion. If, on the other hand, it “freezes” and we don’t process it, it can turn into depression. Sadness builds, and if we have no way to “process it” (for lack of a better metaphor, think of an “emotional bowel movement”), it gets stuck and builds up. Then, we have depression.

So, how can I get help? Consider these ideas below. We’ll elaborate on them next week when we talk about the alleviation of depression.

• Recognize that you may be suffering from depression, and commit to seek out help
• Talk with your doctor about possible antidepressant medication options for your depression
• Seek out a trained psychotherapist or counselor who specializes in depression. Research shows that seeking out treatment for depression sooner rather than later can relieve symptoms of depression quicker.
• Try to get some exercise, such as walking or light jogging
• Eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables included in a healthy diet; stay away from caffeine, nicotine and sugar
• Maintain a normal sleep schedule as best as you can

Depression is multifaceted, meaning there are a number of causes and factors involved. I tend to look at people holistically, and see if they are helping themselves with everything from lifestyle, interpersonal issues with others, stress management, coping strategies, etc. before I refer to a psychiatrist for a possible antidepressant medication.

Consider these symptoms of depression, and try to differentiate the different kinds of depression you might encounter, from normal emotional feelings like sadness and pain. Continue to read for more information on depression this month, as I’ll be looking at different aspects of it.

This post concludes the anger series, in which we’ve looked at getting assertive, stuffing anger and blowing up in anger (video). I think this post is especially pertinent to men, because men tend to hide from their feelings, including anger. Being afraid of your anger is like an extra layer between you and the anger, and prevents you even further from making emotional contact or being intimate with your wife, girlfriend or partner.

We have certain cultural messages that are quite schizophrenic around anger for men. On one hand, we are told to keep our cool and stay in control by not “losing it,” which would include angry displays. When we think of getting angry, a lot of men I talk with have these warped fantasies that, if they actually were to get angry, they would turn destructive and start to smash like The Hulk. The problem gets compounded because we assume this false identity of the “angry guy”, and then we reject it.

We think that to get angry is to be an angry person, and the two are very different things. One is an emotional feeling (anger), and the other is a label or an identity (“angry person”) that we, or others, attach to us. We then have to “manage our anger” or “get it under control.” We characterize it in television and movies as something that is deviant, that other’s close to us or in society simply don’t want.

The fact is, not too many people really “do” anger well. We usually play games around it with others, without being straight about expressing it. We people please, manipulate situations, or stuff our anger because it’s not “acceptable” and others will reject us. Sometimes, we stuff it and it turns into depression and anxiety, especially for men who “flip” it back onto themselves instead of finding healthy expression for it into the world, and to the people that need to hear it.

For men, we push anger way down deep, and then we get scared of it. We actually are getting scared of who we think we’ll turn into if we express it. In our minds, we construct all sorts of fantasies about how we’ll be when we get angry, which may be far from the reality of actually just communicating our anger. I know in my mind, I can flip over parked cars, kick over fire hydrants and destroy small cities in my mind, and, of course, when I get around to communicating my anger, it comes out .1% as strong as those fantasies. Fantasies are not reality.

So, what can you do? Start by asking yourself these questions first:

1. Look inside yourself, and see how you handle anger: do you push it away? Are you scared of the person you think your’ll turn into if you express it?

2. Ask yourself: what messages did I get growing up about anger? How were they positive? How were they negative?

3. How did my parents display or communicate anger when I was a child? Or, did they stuff it or hide it from me?

4. How did my Dad show me about anger? Did I get a healthy or unhealthy education about it?

5. Who can I practice stepping up to and communicating my anger? Who’s safe to talk with about this?

6. Will I die if I express my anger? Will others? Will I be rejected, which, for some, may feel like death.

7. What are the potential benefits to me if I can communicate my anger in a healthy way?

Dealing with anger in the “right way” is a positive step towards emotional and psychological health, and to better relationships with others, whether those be at home, work or with friends. It will help you become a better person if you can learn to deal with the fear of getting angry, and not hide in the shadows because it has a hold on you.

In this anger series, here’s an 8-minute video on how to deal with exploding or blowing up angry. Most men have a very difficult time doing anger effectively, and one of the most common reactive behaviors is to blow up after continuing to stuff their anger. I talk about the anger continuum in this video, and what’s between stuffing it and blowing up, as well as some ways to deal more effectively with anger. Anger is not a bad force: it’s just what we choose to do with it that can be hazardous.

Two very ineffective ways of dealing with anger are stuffing it, or blowing up from it. We’ll address blowing up from anger next week in our anger series, and this week, we’ll focus on stuffing anger.

Stuffing anger has its repercussions. As you train yourself to not speak up or say anything, you stuff your frustration, irritability or general displeasure. That energy accumulates over time, and causes internal distress, as well as relationship problems with others.

We stuff anger because we’re afraid of it, or we’re afraid of other’s reactions to us if we express it. Like our childhoods, we fantasize that if we get mad and say so, someone will hear this, reject our anger, and, consequently, reject us. So, to prevent rejection, we get in the habit of stuffing our anger, or bottling it until some future trigger detonates it for a bigger, consequential explosion later.

What are some characteristics of men who stuff their anger?

1. Some guys falsify, lie or downplay their feeling upset. They’re not truthful about it, because they haven’t “owned” their anger, or become responsible for it
2. Playing games with others around the anger, and generally not being straight with it
3. Sarcasm, criticism, being judgmental or sometimes, acting superior can funnel unexpressed anger
4. Drinking alcohol to conceal anger
5. Depression: feeling depressed could be “inverted anger” that isn’t expressed back into the world, at the people it needs to be directed at
6. Health problems, including stomach problems, physical pain, headaches, feeling tired
7. Feeling “stressed” a lot, but not having a name for anything else but stress
8. Feeling motivated to work out to deal with the “stress” or possible anger, not for the sake or working out (more as an anger management tool)
9. People pleasers, or “nice guys”, or please, appease, can’t say ‘no’, or generally want to do good and make people happy, to the negligence of their own feelings, including anger
10. Self-sabotage, or turning anger on oneself to destroy parts of their lives: marriage, work, family, money, etc.

Anger is just an emotion: it can be used for the force of good if you can embrace it. Being angry doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an angry guy. One is an emotion; the latter is an identity. Some guys are afraid that if they express their anger, they’ll see themselves as an angry guy, or that others will, too. Not so. There’s a difference between effectively expressing your anger (e.g. through effective communication), and ineffectively expressing it (e.g. putting your fist through a wall or door).

What are ways to deal with stuffing your anger?

1. Recognize your anger.
2. Start to become aware that you are angry, and then develop awareness of how you’re stuffing it (see list above)
3. Risk communicating your anger to people whom you’re upset with. Speak about how the situation or person has upset you. The quickest way to shut down a conversation is to start to blame or attack others (and see numbers 1-3 above)
4. Usually, anger is an emotional expression concealing a more vulnerable emotion, like pain, vulnerability, sadness, fear, feeling like a failure, etc. Try to access those more “primary” emotions by localizing them within your body in the present moment. We usually store those emotions there, if we can get out of our heads long enough to recognize them.
5. Watch the irrational, reactive behaviors that the anger drives you to do. Identify your pattern when you get angry, and take notes about how this usually plays out in the world. How does your anger translate into negative behaviors with others or in the world?
6. Minimize caffeine, sugar and nicotine. Cut down on refined carbohydrates, such as potatoes, corn, etc. Those things create swings in your mood, which can have the effect of amplifying your angry or irritable mood.
7. Get the right amount of nightly sleep for you.
8. Eat regularly. Try eating smaller meals spread out over the course of a day.
9. Own your anger. Take responsibility for it, instead of pinning it on others.
10. Get counseling to help you deal more effectively.
11. Identify that there may be childhood experiences that may be unconsciously keeping the anger alive. Be warned not to pin it on your parents, and then shrug it off. You’re still responsible for it, but you may need professional counseling to “unearth” the roots of your anger.
12. Practice kindness with yourself when you get angry. Let your anger come without judgment or trying to manage it.
13. Don’t try to fix it: just practice being angry.
14. Being angry is different from acting on it: it’s o.k. to be angry, not o.k. to act on it in an irresponsible way.

These can be used in conjunction with each other, and speak to the various levels of intervention you might want to consider when dealing with anger from a “holistic” perspective. There can certainly be other causes of anger, including medically-based issues, but from a counseling perspective, I think these are the big ones to look out for. What are your thoughts? What advice would you have for a guy friend of yours dealing with stuffing his anger?

The theme of anger will dominate this month’s blog posts, because so many men deal so ineffectively with it. I thought the best idea to write about was learning to get assertive instead of angry and/or stuffing it, three very different things.

I have learned to make my anger work for me, especially in the case of getting things done in the world or confronting people who, I feel, need to hear from me. Over the years, I’ve personally learned to challenge my fear of upsetting others, and being fundamentally o.k. with having a different – and contrary – viewpoint from what other’s may think. For me, learning to trust my gut, or instinct, and speak through my discontent, even if it’s perceived as “wrong” to others, has helped me get what I want, and deal with others in a whole new way (as well as gain their respect, contrary to what my fear lead me to believe beforehand).

I was stood up twice this week by a representative from a local nursery, who promised to come out to my home and help me sketch out plans for turning my bare backyard into a fruit “orchard.” After no-showing on two different occasions (I wrote the first standup off due to communication breakdown), I decided I needed to say something to the manager and/or the owner who, I felt, should know that a disgruntled customer walked away from a potentially large sale.

I actually drove in to the nursery this morning, explained my case to the two managers, and was immediately confronted with caring and concession in the form of a significant discount on fruit and citrus tree purchases, which will probably exceed $1000, as well as a commitment to get someone over to my house immediately for that layout and design (he called me ten minutes ago and we set something up for Friday). I felt great about standing up for myself, and felt it was the right thing to do to actually go in and talk with them in person. And it worked like a charm.

I find that, when others are presented with reason, respect and legitimacy, they will, almost always bend to your way of thinking and feeling. Getting assertive is so different from the extremes of not saying anything, out of fear, or blowing up and getting angry/enraged, which alienates others and ensures you probably won’t get what you want, or you’ll get what you want at a cost to others.

Possible places in your life to consider getting more assertive:

- With coworkers

- With your spouse

- With unsatisfactory customer service experiences

- With your children

- With your parents

Recognizing and combatting the fear and the irrational beliefs you may have about standing up for yourself is essential in working through them to get assertive. You need to challenge those beliefs that hold you back from getting what you want, and for many of us, it’s only those fears that hold us back. I know it did with me. What’s the lesser of two evils: summoning up the courage to deal with your fears, or dealing with the guilt and the “doormat” feel of not standing up for yourself afterwards (plus, the “what ifs” of not getting what you want”)? It’s a question you might want to weigh when presented with a situation that begs your assertion.

Remember: getting assertive and standing up for yourself is the middle way between stuffing your needs and feelings, and exploding from them. It’s the path towards getting what you want, being more well liked and respected by others, and living in accordance with yourself. It’s taking care of yourself, and treating others with that same care.

Before you can communicate effectively, you have to know what you want, and this can be difficult for a lot of people. For men, a lot of the times they don’t know what they want or need, and end up confused and confusing those they’re communicating with. Watch this 6-minute video and learn 4 questions to ask yourself about knowing what you want and getting it right before you start communicating with others, whether they be your spouse, children or co-workers or employees.

The emotional realm is not a familiar one for most men, and this is unfortunate, because it greatly limits our ability to develop and deepen both the relationships with ourselves, and those in our lives. It’s our emotions that lie at the bottom of our thoughts and behaviors, and take such a prominent place in our lives, yet most people aren’t aware of them.

Learning to speak from the emotions, and not just from our preprogrammed, reactive patterns could mean the difference between saving a relationship or marriage, or letting it die.

Many of the men that I speak with don’t understand this concept, or think that emotions are in the realm of the “feminine,” that to talk openly about one’s emotions, especially the negative emotions, is emasculating and will chip away at our concept of self as masculine. In fact, relationships, and dare I say a lot of modern living, has required a fierce reorientation into the mode of emotions. Our wives and girlfriends expect us to be more “emotionally available,” which is different than expectations from 50 years ago. Many professions require the use of “soft skills” in the workplace, because traditional jobs are fast disappearing, taking with them the job descriptions traditionally suited to the male disposition. In short, the world is requiring more emotional intelligence from us.

Fathers don’t teach their sons these tools, and it’s not something we learn growing up. We are socialized how to “be men,” and in that process overlook the one major factor required in healthy development: being in touch with, and being abel to speak from, our emotions. Instead, men often suppress or push away their emotions, and don’t deal with them, which causes depression, anxiety, dis-ease and a host of other problems ranging from the professional to the intimate. Divorce or separation are often unfortunate by-products of lack of emotional awareness, as are drug and alcohol abuse, poor parenting, and violence.

We can learn to self-actualize if we can learn to speak from our emotions. They have a way of helping us evolve in our lives, and break free from mental traps that we’ve set to cage us in. We can grow in our work, in our hobbies, in our character and in our relationships if we can tune into the emotions that are always present within us.

Start by making meditation a practice. I use mindfulness meditation to help me access my emotions, especially when there are painful ones that come up inside. Emotions often reside somatically, or from within the body, but we need to be able to come out of our heads to get in touch with the “felt sense” of the negative emotion. Those emotions can often be found in places such as the shoulders, stomach, heart or throat. Those places often house frozen emotions that generate suffering when we can’t let them “pass through” our organic experience.

Also, I think lessening the stigma of emotions with men is helpful, as is promoting more emotional awareness with men by starting with the acceptance of men’s mental health suffering and treatment as a culture, and then on an individual level.

Men and emotional awareness can go together. Men have real emotions that women have, and the more we start to accept the nature of our suffering from an emotional perspective, the faster we can seek peace, balance and happiness for ourselves, and those in our lives.

This month, we’re talking about how to improve communication, beginning with last week’s post on 12 foolproof communication skills for couples. This post is a continuation of the communication theme by focusing on better ways to listen.

We hear, but are we really listening? So much distraction invades our headspace, and it’s no wonder we’re not available to others much of the time. To those that really need it – our partners, children and loved ones – how much are you really listening to what they’re saying? I think there are men who want to connect more deeply with their wives, girlfriends, fiancees, etc. and don’t know how. This is a great start, because there are better ways to listen.

For men, especially, listening is not the most developed tool in the interpersonal toolbelt. We’re often fixated on the outcome, or the solution, if our wife or girlfriend is talking through an issue. Our “fix-it” helmets are on, when they need to be put aside. Try “resting” your need to fix the outcome, or fixate on the “ending” of the story. Women like to talk “spirally,” whereas men like to talk “linearly.” Men talk over the phone to get to the end of the conversation; women talk for the sake of talking. This is foreign to men, I know. But, it’s a communication difference, and understanding this can benefit you quite a bit. Can you listen for it’s own sake, and shift your orientation from “get to the goal” to “being present and listening” for it’s own sake?

We can open up and deepen our relationships tenfold if we can harness the power of listening – truly listening. Can we take in the other person’s words, as well as their body language, facial expression and other non-verbal cues to come up with a complete message about what they’re trying to communicate to us?

Carving out time to talk – and listen – is also essential. I know I’m useless to talk and listen when I’m hungry/tired/bored/spent from working. I have to be upfront that I’m not available to talk or listen at those times, and you should to. Developing rules of the game, if you will, with your spouse as to when are the available times to listen will go a long way in helping her feel like you care, and aren’t blowing her off.

And, don’t talk about yourself. I know, it’s tempting to want to share your experience. But just this once, try to relax that need. Let her talk. She needs to feel as if she’s important to you, and that what she says is important. She wouldn’t be talking with you if she didn’t think that what she had to say wasn’t important.

You can ask probing questions, and go deeper into the topic that she’s describing. What was her experience with the conflict at work she’s describing? What are her feelings about said topic? If you can ask the deeper questions to open up the conversation, she’s going to sense your interest and will want to open up more. You’re helping her feel comfortable, and buying yourself some nice trusting feelings you can put in the bank.

And finally, just be present. It’s not a vague thing: it’s real. Just be there, listening. That’s it. Don’t get up and walk around. Sit and be still. Tune in with your eye contact, and pace yourself along through the conversation. You don’t have to act like a counselor or interviewer; just be yourself.

Listening is one of the hardest things on the planet to do, especially for guys like us. If you can develop this tool, you’ll be unstoppable. People will naturally attract themselves to you and will want to have your attention. I think people are hungry to have themselves heard, because, unfortunately, they aren’t so much in their lives. If you can be that guy that people want to talk with, you’re investing well in your relationships, and I would say that’s the makings of a very good life.

The right words open up a conversation, and strengthen a relationship. But what happens when you choose the wrong words? Disagreement, assumptions, reactivity and missed opportunities arise, and you’re left ten steps back. It gets worse: over time, negative feelings may build up for you and your mate, and can settle into a “solid state” of disconnection, antipathy and loneliness. Words have that power, for better or for worse, and I want to help you shift your conversations towards the productive-connective end of the spectrum.

Communication, especially in a marriage or relationship, can be most difficult, because you have a strong emotion commitment to your spouse or partner. Guys tell me all the time that they don’t have nearly the issues communicating with their friends or co-workers. Why? Because, I tell them, you’re not carrying on an intimate and vulnerable relationship with those people. The closer someone is to you, the more difficult and strained communication can get.

Here’s 12 foolproof communication skills for couples to improve the outcomes of your conversations with your intimate partner.

1. Watch your verbal reactivity: many times, we’ll step into a trap, when prodded by our partner. They curse us as the bain of their existence, and we, in turn, feel compelled to counterattack. Don’t. Try to be aware of saying hurtful things in retaliation. Even though you know her (or his) buttons, it doesn’t mean you need to press them. Pushing their buttons may end up blowing up in your face.

2. Talk about you, not her: If you can speak from your own experience of the effect of their behavior on you, you’ll get a lot further than fixating on what they did to you and how they wronged you. Be prepared to shift your focus here, and start to look inward as to the negative effects. For example, if your wife is nagging on you, you would state, “I’m frustrated with the way you’re approaching me,” or “It makes me upset when you constantly remind me to take out the trash.”

3. Make eye contact: she’ll feel like you are present, and that you care, and she’s going to be more responsive to you and what you have to say if she feels you’re “there.” If you’re not looking at her, she might feel like you don’t care or aren’t present, and may react more strongly back towards you. This isn’t what you want. Try making eye contact, and communicate non-verbally that you’re there and you’re serious.

4. Don’t speak in polarities – “always” or “nothing.” Nothing really ever happens in all-or-nothing; even people’s behavior happens in shades of gray. When you use the words “all” or “nothing” to describe your mate’s behavior, you’re pigeonholing them to those behaviors, as well as criticizing them. They’re going to react to you if you use extremes, or polarities, so try to watch it if you are. Try “many times,” or “at times” or “there are times where..”, and then proceed. You’ll have better success  this way.

5. Be aware of your tendency to want to fix things: I know, it’s hard. As a guy, I fall into the same traps I write about, especially this one. I want to fix the conflict situation, or fix her feelings. Neither gets resolved in this manner; they just get worse. I can’t stress this enough: don’t try to fix the conflict or her feelings, because she’s going to feel that you’re not listening to her, and she’ll react to you based on that premise. Be proud of the broken toilet or work-related situation you can fix on the job; leave the need to fix to those places and don’t bring it into your relationship or marriage. If she wants you to fix it, she’ll ask.

6. For women, don’t press him to get the answer: if he’s retreated or gone into hiding, watch your tendency to chase him, pry something out of him or generally open him up. You may be making it worse. Watch the criticism, analysis of his neurotic family of origin or deliberately pushing his buttons to pop him out of his hiding. Say something like: “You know, it’s lonely for me when you check out,” or “I feel hurt and sad and feel abandoned when you distance emotionally.” It doesn’t need to sounds clinical; just may it sound authentic.

7. Don’t lie (this one is for the guys): It sounds so basic, but so much of a healthy relationship is built on gaining (and preserving) her trust. When you lie, you’re flushing the “trust currency” down the toilet. If you’re conflict avoid ant, say that, or get some professional help with a counselor. But when you lie in communication, your partner is going to react a lot worse (a lot worse) to you than if you were to produce the truth.

8. Timing’s everything: effective communication is not going to come through when the kids are crying, or when you’re both speeding off to work. If there’s an issue to be addressed, carve some time out and make it a priority to talk with your spouse when you’re both in a space to really talk and listen, especially about the big issues.

9. Pay attention to the non-verbals: our communication is both verbal and non-verbal, so watch the non-verbal cues you are giving off to your partner, including looks of disinterest, body cues, facial cues, laughing, etc. These, at times, speak more loudly than do our words. People tend to unconsciously mirror our negative non-verbal communication, and positive ones reinforce the same in others.

10. What you both need: speak from your “needs” first, and listen for your partner’s needs. You can cut through a lot is you can whittle your way down to the need. What is it that I need from my partner right now? What am I doing or saying to get that need met? What is it that my partner is needing from me? Can I see past what they’re saying or doing to me that might allow me to see those things?

11. If you need to walk away, tell her you’ll be back: a lot of men, in the course of conflict, need to step away to “process” the fight, but risk inadvertently communicating to their partners that they’re abandoning them. Try to communicate that you need time to digest or process, and that you will eb back to continue the conversation at a chosen time. Be specific about that time, so it doesn’t get left open-ended.

12. Don’t criticize, judge or analyze: this is not effective communication; in fact, it usually reverses gains and is counterproductive to the conversation. If your partner is at the butt end of your criticism or judgment, she’ll bound to feel “not good enough” for you, and will communicate and react from that. Conversely, if you feel judged or criticized, state that, and attempt to continue to reinforce your awareness of that happening.

Communication is one of the most difficult things to do well that I know of. It has so much power to build, or destroy. Try using one or more of these things to improve the quality of your relationship together.

What comes to mind when you hear someone say that someone should “man up?” For some reason I always think of the rodeo cowboys who “cowboy up” to try to harness the incredible power of the bull. It’s very American, and very masculine, to conquer our animalistic wildness with strong sense of discipline and responsibility.

I read a New York times article that describes “man up” as a spectrum of meanings that could include meaning “to toughen up” and also “to be an upstanding man”, or to be a mensch, in Yiddish parlance.

Culture has certainly steered this term towards selling masculinity in its products, but I think the term still has merit. I’ve always thought of it in the latter sense, that it implies being an upstanding man or to take responsibility for oneself and one’s life. Conversely, I think that “man up” has also been used to inhibit men by way of saying that they need to be men and hide who they might actually be behind the facade they think society and others want from him.

“Manning up” works when it’s motivational and progressive; it doesn’t work well when it perpetuates the negative stereotypes of being a man. It inhibits instead of enriches, when used in that context, and is more meant to stoke our shame. Maybe our intimate partners thrown that at us when we’ve screwed up, or when we’re chronically lazy. On some level, maybe we already feel unworthy or not good enough. Being told to “man up” is just an extra layer of disincentive: it will contribute to our sense of failure and shame. Plus, what are we striving to attain? A sense of “becoming masculine” based on other’s definitions of us? I don’t think so. We already work hard to shed other’s beliefs about us, why would we need something else to combat?

We can use the idea of “manning up,” as a way to remind us to get back on course when we’ve encountered obstruction, and to own up to the many forms of responsibility that encompass adulthood: taxes, parenting, marriage, family, work and household duties. If it’s used in the reminder sense, we can strive towards our ideal self and meet our own expectations of how we think we should live our lives. If we take “to man up” in this sense, we can compare our lives to itself, and not have to compare it to others’ definitions of how we should be men.