Understanding the Affair: The Importance of Facing Infidelity Together
Several surveys have found that extramarital affairs are among the top three most common reasons why people divorce.
Learning about the partner's infidelity can cause intense emotional pain, shaking the marriage and the whole life of the deceived to the grounds. But it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship.
Why is Infidelity so Painful?
Trust is the foundation of our relationships. We expect our partners to be honest, faithful, and committed to us and our relationship. So, infidelity represents a betrayal, turning the person we trusted into an offender and calling into question all we thought we knew about them or our relationship.
The aftermath of an affair is usually painful. The partner who was betrayed feels hurt, insecure, and angry. This makes them stuck in a cycle of hurt and suffering.
In addition, couples who have children can't avoid involving them. So, you might worry about how the infidelity will affect them or be concerned that your children will never see you as parents or your relationship in the same way again.
However, you can choose to see infidelity as an opportunity to learn and grow, both individually and as a couple. Facing infidelity together might help you begin to restore your marriage. Of course, healing from an affair takes time. But it is possible.
Why Does Infidelity Occur?
Whether you were cheated on or were the one who had an affair, understanding why the infidelity happened in your marriage is the first step toward regaining trust and rebuilding your relationship. It might help if you ask yourself and your partner some of the following questions:
Do you and your partner show a lack of commitment or affection?
Do you feel trapped in a roommate marriage that lacks passion, intimacy, and genuine connection?
Is there an imbalance of giving and take in your relationship?
Do you struggle with communication? Can you be open with one another?
Is there a sense of independence or space in your relationship?
Exploring these and similar questions in depth might provide a good starting point for uncovering the reasons for infidelity in your marriage.
How to Heal after Infidelity?
The initial stage following betrayal is the most traumatic phase. You may feel crushed, furious, and perplexed if your partner cheats on you. So, take some time to think about everything and reestablish inner peace without making any big decisions. Prioritize your needs and take good care of yourself during this time.
Answer Some Questions
One of the most important things to consider after an affair is whether it is worthwhile to restore your marriage. What makes your relationship worth fighting for? Can you forgive your spouse? Will you be able to trust them again? Do you need marriage therapy to assist you in forgiving and healing? Also, consider if you want to inform your family and friends of the situation.
If you decide to forgive and reconcile after being cheated on, start working on restoring trust in your relationship together.
Focus on the Present
You may be tortured by thoughts such as "Could I have predicted this?" How didn't I see it coming? Is it somehow my mistake? Even though it's important to know what led to the affair, dwelling on it will only make you feel more angry, resentful, and hurt.
Instead, try focusing on the present and what can be done to repair trust. Staying focused on the present does not mean you should avoid discussing infidelity. However, letting go of unpleasant feelings is the best way to rebuild trust and move on.
Insist on Honesty
Trust in your relationship cannot be restored if your partner refuses to talk openly about the affair. An open, honest conversation is the most effective way to understand the reasons for infidelity, reestablish trust, and improve the quality of your relationship.
When discussing your partner's infidelity, insist on honesty and transparency. If you were the one who cheated, demonstrate a willingness to stop seeing the other person and talk openly about your affair.
But don't insist on getting into the details of an affair because that will only make things worse.
Instead, try to communicate openly and without accusation or judgment. Allow each other space and postpone the discussion when you feel upset until you're ready to communicate without becoming enraged.
Seek Couples Counseling
Couples counseling might help you understand what prompted the infidelity and start repairing your marriage. Also, relationship therapy can be a safe place to learn from this experience and figure out how to talk about cheating without the other person getting defensive, shutting down, or being rude.
A skilled couples therapist can also help you make a plan for recovery and take steps towards improving the quality of your relationship.
To find out more about our services, click here: infidelity counseling.
