How to Get Over Gay Shame

Shame is a self-conscious emotion that mirrors our feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, or degradation.

While the terms “shame” and “guilt” are often used interchangeably, guilt is always behavior-related emotion. We feel guilty as a result of realizing we've done something wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is the conviction that we are fundamentally flawed or in our essence.

Gay shame involves feelings of inadequacy caused by your gender identity or sexual orientation.

Growing Up Gay and Internalized Shame

Despite significant changes in attitudes and regulations around LGBTQ rights in recent decades, most LGBTQ persons were raised with cultural beliefs that indicate cisgender and heterosexuality as normal, stigmatizing, and discriminating against the LGBTQ community.

Have you been discouraged from playing with "opposite gender" toys, questioned whether you had girlfriends, and told you should not wear pink? Perhaps you were body shamed because of your physical appearance, felt uneasy meeting new people, and dreaded holiday family gatherings where you had to pretend to be someone different.

Most likely, these kinds of questions, attitudes, and comments have made you worry that you are different from what people around you expect of you. This is something that would make most people feel uncomfortable, insecure, and embarrassed.

Even in a modern culture that values diversity, many parents still struggle with masculine stereotypes, believing it is not okay for their little boys to play with girls' toys such as dolls and dollhouses.

So, you may have acted as your true self while alone, but you went about your everyday life as the gender you were given at birth. Or you may have decided to have romantic or sexual relationships in secret. Some people choose celibacy to avoid the discomfort associated with their own sexual orientation and sexual encounters.

In short, growing up, your gender identity and sexual orientation may have made you feel alone, lonely, and unhappy.

Growing up with shame about "being different" can hurt your mental health, behavior, relationships, and overall sense of well-being, making it harder to live a fulfilling life.

Dealing with Shame

Growing up in a family and society where "gay" was a bad word, you may have spent years denying who you actually are. Maybe you tried to change your sexual orientation or deny your gender identity to cope with shame and feelings of inadequacy. You learned to isolate yourself from others and suppress your feelings. You may have used alcohol or drugs to deal with your problems, eaten too much or too little, or engaged in risky sexual behaviors.

But these unhealthy ways to deal with stress can only worsen your self-esteem, cause mental health problems, and harm your relationships.

Your sexual orientation and gender identity, on the other hand, are essential aspects of your authentic self. So, how can you overcome the shame of being yourself?

Breaking the Cycle of Gay Shame

The hardest thing you've ever done might be coming out about your sexual orientation and gender identity. But the first step to living an authentic, fulfilling life is to break the cycle of uncertainty, shame, and self-doubt.

Here are some suggestions to help you overcome shame and become your authentic self.

Acknowledge Your Shame

Shame can feed your subconscious mind with self-critical thoughts of failure and worthlessness, diminishing your self-esteem and leading to mental illness. In addition, according to research, shame is linked to mental health issues such as eating disorders.

Acknowledging shame is the first step to overcoming it. Recognizing the core feelings of shame when you feel angry, sad, or afraid can help you understand yourself and move toward self-acceptance.

Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion and self-acceptance are the most effective ways to overcome shame. Self-compassion represents the ability to relate to yourself with kindness and love. Such a mindset can help you recognize and stop negative self-talk and self-criticism, become more forgiving, and treat yourself with understanding and acceptance.

Participate in the LGBTQ Community

Engaging with the LGBTQ community can be a great way to build your identity, find support, and reclaim your authentic self. Consider educating your community about LGBTQ rights and challenges, advocating for LGBTQ rights, or volunteering for a local LGBTQ support group.

Seek Support

If you feel that you cannot deal with the consequences of internalized shame, seek help from supportive friends, LGBTQ groups, and mental health experts.

Psychotherapy may provide a safe space for you to overcome shame and embrace your authentic self.

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