Gay relationships face many of the same challenges as heterosexual relationships - who does the chores, how is the money used, what about kids? However, they also have to deal with additional challenges that are not as clear and that might blur the lines of what is a healthy relationship.

There is no single way of building a same-sex relationship

There are certain expectations attached to a same-sex relationship. For instance, many expect it to be more sexually open and even non-monogamous. These may be internal expectations by the partners or a degree of external pressure, however, there is no single way to have a relationship. It needs to have boundaries and values that work for both partners, and it comes as a result of a dialogue.

Same-sex relationships also can be toxic

Sometimes, there is an idea that abusive behaviors are somehow fine in same-sex relationships but this is just not true. Abusive and neglectful behaviors, manipulation, exploitation are not OK in any situation, and you have the right to address these problems. Hitting, yelling, pushing for sex, and general mean behavior are not healthy behaviors, and it’s important to acknowledge this and look for solutions.

Trust is essential

Jealousy is an important theme in a relationship, and it can sour it after some time. It is necessary to set boundaries and trust the partner to respect them. Controlling behaviors, like checking the partner’s phone or getting upset if they see their friends, is definitely not healthy.

Careful with competition

Men are socialized to compete with each other, and gay men might feel the pressure to measure up to their partner or their ex. This can lead to a sense of insecurity about one’s body, finances, and lifestyle and a pressure to reach a specific standard. If the partners compete with each other, it can also create resentment and conflict. It’s important to watch out for this in the relationship.

Communication takes work

Another issue that can appear especially with men is that they are often not used to talking about emotions and communicating in a relationship, although this is, of course, not true of everyone. Men are less likely to learn how to express themselves because they are often encouraged to be tough. This can mean that both partners need to work harder to talk and truly communicate what is happening rather than avoid the subject. Without communication, there is no healthy relationship.

Find support

Heterosexual couples often find it easier to discuss their experiences with other people and receive feedback about their partner and their relationships. Gay people might find that those around them don’t give their relationship the same consideration or have different standards, in particular, if they believe stereotypes (e.g., that gay people are less faithful). Finding people who understand these experiences and who take the relationship seriously can be a great way of supporting the relationship.

There are no givens

Same-sex couples come into the relationship with different expectations than a heterosexual one. In fact, there is often no predetermined ideas for who takes care of the home, who is the provider, and so on. This is very freeing and offers many opportunities to create a healthy functioning relationship but it also means that the couple needs to discuss it explicitly and decide how they want to manage chores, money, sex, and so on.

There is more external pressure that needs to be managed

Something to consider is that a same-sex couple also need to manage external pressures and stressors, such as discrimination, prejudice, harmful stereotypes, and more. It is important to stay loyal to each other and build a strong relationship that is resilient in regards to these problems. For example, it’s important to side with the partner and challenge homophobic ideas even if they come from one’s family. Some families, for instance, do not acknowledge the relationship or don’t see it as valid. It’s important to work with these situations rather than expect the partner to accept them.

Same-sex relationships have challenges just like any other relationships, but it’s possible to build a healthy lasting or short-term bond by paying attention and developing the necessary skills. It takes work but it’s definitely worth it. Whether you choose to have a monogamous or open relationship with your partner, it’s important that it makes you feel fulfilled, respected, and loved.

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of healthy relationships, or if therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my gay men’s therapy page.

Healthy Relationships For Gay Men