Dealing with Narcissists
Narcissistic people are some the most difficult people you’ll ever deal with. You may have one or more in your life, and not know it. You may, however, feel it, and this post aims to help you become a little better at dealing with narcissists.Narcissists are charming and alluring, but they are also toxic and destructive to relationships, be they professional or intimate. Narcissists like achievement, so many are found in the upper eschelons of business, politics, in sports and in Hollywood. They are usually well-advertised, because they are so good at self-promotion, and are often as attractive as they are repellant.But, they cannot have true, intimate relationships with people because they are too busy avoiding their own vulnerability, which is the hallmark of a balanced, healthy intimate relationship. People in relationships with narcissists usually have to cater to their demands, and are usually left feeling invisible, demeaned and generally of only utilitarian use to the narcissist, because their is no intimate contact.
Who Are Narcissists?
Narcissists are characterized as self-absorbed and preoccupied, with a need to achieve the perfect image, according to Wendy T. Behary in her book, “Disarming the Narcissist.” Behary says that narcissists “have little or no capacity for listening, caring or understanding the needs of others. This self-absorption can leave them without a true and intimate connection to others…The truth is that he actually longs for a deeper and much more profound connection - a need that he simply cannot realize, comprehend, or accept” (p.16-17, Behary)Behary lists several characteristics that could characterize the difficult person in your life as a narcissist. They are that the person is:
Self-absorbed
Entitled
Demeaning
Demanding
Distrustful
Perfectionistic
Snobbish
Approval seeking
Unempathic
Unremorseful
Compulsive
Addictive
Emotionally detached
Narcissists are generally classified by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. They may be different from people you might experience as full-of-themselves, self-absorbed or generally “into themselves,” although they could be NPD. To have a diagnosis of NPD, one needs to meet certain criteria, not just be someone you find to be hogging the limelight all the time.
My Personal and Professional Experiences with Narcissists
In the field of psychology and counseling, especially in the Gestalt therapy background I come from, narcissists abound. Narcissists tend to get attracted to self-actualizing pursuits, and psychology is a haven for narcissists, so I’ve come across many.Over the years, it hasn’t always been easy for me to spot a narcissistic, be they a client or a professional colleague. I had several jobs where I worked closely with narcissists, and didn’t start recognizing the patterns until I became more versed in their ways of being. Then, my understanding of narcissists and their patterns began to fall into place.What I had to do was develop more of my own sense of self, and my intuition, to recognize narcissists. They would often come at me in a confrontational way, and from the get-go, the playing field was never leveled. Posturing and self-promotion are the hallmarks of the narcissist, and they would usually excel in fields like academia or in organizations that had competition involved, or they would create the competition themselves. Many would confront me, bully me, or generally challenge me, about things in my life that didn’t need to be challenged, like how good I was at such-and-such thing. I felt the confrontation coming at me, but had to get over the fact that I was bringing something to the table that was inciting this.
Probably the most impactful experience I had around narcissists was the feeling of being invisible to them, and not good enough. Over time, when I would become more self-aware, I could prevent myself from being overtaken by those experiences, and “put it back on” the narcissist as having produced the triggers that created those feelings for me. I no longer needed to take it personally, but it was an often difficult education in learning how to not be taken down emotionally by them. Now, if I felt invisible, or not getting the attention I needed, I had the choice to not engage with them, and if I had to engage with them (for work), I would keep engagement to a minimum, and not ask questions to elicit their self-promotion. I wouldn’t buy in anymore.When I would feel tiny, belittled, shamed or plain inferior when I was in the presence of a narcissist, what I was reacting to was the projection from the narcissist, not the actual person behind the mask, because that’s what narcissists specialize in: creating the illusion of superiority. They have, from birth, been “groomed for greatness,” having learned that their kind of special is better than others. But, at the core, is emptiness, behind the veneer and grandiosity. The problem is that they can’t access that inferiority, and they keep maintaining the narcissistic facade.
Their vulnerable sense of self lies way beyond, and out of sight, of the narcissist.Narcissists feed off of others by draining them of their resources, or their “narcissistic supply,” giving them the adoration. A narcissist that I know is the master seducer, deft at performing for others and giving the illusion of being psychologically and spiritually enlightened. I know him to feed off of the adoration and the attention that can only come in a uni-directional relationship, meaning that what we know to be give-and-take relationships are unknown to this person. Rather, only by being the adoring fan base or audience, does one get attention or “be seen” by this person. I only felt seen when I played a role with him, be it mentee, adoring fan to his music, or otherwise generalized “fawner” over his “wonderfulness."
The Different Types of Narcissists You Find
One type of narcissistic you’ll meet is the somatic narcissist. It’s generally easier to spot a somatic narcissist because they “wear” their narcissism more through their physique, their clothing, and their general aura. They often demand others to gaze at them, and often have manipulated their body through diet, workout or other means to ensure maximum viewing of themselves. They demand eyeballs, and will (metaphorically) leverage their physical self over you to gain superiority. Many are found in the athletic realm, bodybuilding, and other areas.The craftier types of narcissists are more intellectual in nature, and act narcissist in a different way. It’s less obvious, because the narcissism is more about intellectual pursuits. This is why narcissists are often found in academic or learning pursuits, and something like psychology or psychotherapy also provides them with the self-actualizing fuel, to boot. They will make sure you know how smart they are, and that’s not not as smart.The more intellectually-based narcissists like to remind you how learned and important they are.
They may challenge you about where you went to school, what your interests are, what books you’ve read, or which people you follow, assuring that they stay in the top-dog position. They may need to constantly praise themselves for their various academic degrees, places they’ve traveled to, important and learned people they associate with, or professional achievements that they’ve accomplished. They want you to know how smart and cultured they are, and won’t give you the slightest foot in the door to talk about yourself. They’ll make sure they stay superior, and usually have the real intelligence to boot.The spiritually-based narcissists are usually cut from the same cloth as the intellectual narcissists, but use spirituality as their modus operandi for assuming superiority over the world. They will often posture as more “spiritual” and therefore “superior” than others, praying, meditating, doing more yoga or having transcendental experiences without being distracted by other, more worldly inconveniences that most humans would tend to deal with. Eastern spirituality is like flypaper to narcissists, because is has esoteric and mystical connotations, although narcissists can be found in any religious pursuit. Many can assume positions of power or leadership, something common to the intellectual or somatic narcissists.Finally, some narcissists are more subtle about their approach. They don’t advertise their narcissism, but only when you get to know them, does it make sense that they’re narcissistic.
Cultural Promotion of Narcissism
Many current trends contribute to our cultural acceptance of narcissism, even as we reject individual narcissists. As a cultural, we love/loathe celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and thus give mixed messages about what it means to be self-absorbed.Social media has provided a megaphone for those seeking constant self-promotion. Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube have allowed anyone to have the instant gratification or adoration from their own personal “fan base” that celebrities have been so accustomed to, and we’ve become hooked on promoting our best self online, and feeding our need for more and more attention.I think this has negative implications for kids growing up. Kids learn that the world revolves around them, and that they should come to have what they demand from the world, even if it has negative effects on others. The antidote to narcissism is empathy, and if we’re counterbalancing a flood of narcissism with that, I think we can teach kids how to be good human beings and have mutually rewarding relationships with others.
Healthy Narcissism (for the rest of us)
I think that most people fall along the spectrum of narcissism, and it’s the narcissists with genuine personality disorders that are the problematic kind. Most people have a degree of narcissism, but they can also balance that with empathy, genuine understanding of others, and a lack of a driving need to be loved and adored, but aren’t full fledged narcissistic personality-disordered people.The problem is when we subvert our narcissist tendencies, and they get distorted or expressed poorly. Everyone has basic needs like need for attention, adoration, praise, and when we don’t know how to meet those needs in a direct and healthy way, they come out as game-playing with others, like people pleasing or manipulation, or self-abuse or self-crticism of ourselves when inverted. Learning how to get in touch with our need to serve ourselves isn’t a bad thing; only when they start to consistently eclipse others’ needs does it become a problem. Without empathy, understanding, compassion, the narcissism you assert will be for nothing.Narcissists are toxic, yes, but they have had something to teach me along the lines of taking care of their own needs. They may step over others to get them met, yes, but fundamentally, many of their needs they do get met, albeit in unhealthy and potentially toxic ways. For the vast majority of us who are not narcissists, taking care of ourselves and our needs is not a bad thing, and can dissolve a lot of problems we’ve created for ourselves in our lives and undo dysfunctional patterns we’ve learned from our families of origin.
What To Do When Dealing with Narcissists
Narcissists are not often prone to therapy or counseling, which is ironic since so many are into personal development and “self-actualization.” If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the greatest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that you are indeed in a relationship with a narcissist, and educate yourself. For me, the hardest thing was even recognizing that the person was a narcissist at all.Checking yourself, gauging your experience and how you feel around them, is a second way to deal with them. If you can get in touch with the feelings that they are triggering in you, and not get swept up in the experience of them doing their dirty work on you, it will help you. “Ungluing” from their narcissistic trickery, you can start to reorient yourself and not make it about you. If you fall into thinking or feeling that it’s you, they’ve got you in their web. If you can let go of personal or emotional responsibility, you’re more likely to be able to take sound action and make better decisions where narcissists are involved.
Limiting engagement with them, or not buying into their need for adoration, attention, or game-playing are other ways to disentangle yourself from narcissists. The more you buy into their demands, the more you’ll be left feeling down, dirty or just plain invisible.Finally, get some therapy to help you understand how you fell in with the person in the first place, and help yourself to assure that it won’t happen again. Sometimes, there are negative experiences that you need to process, from having to deal with the narcissist in the first place.Being in a relationship with a narcissist - personal or professional - is tough, but educating yourself and learning how to deal with them is important. Taking the steps to do so will buffer against more pain and dissatisfaction in the future. If you’re interested in learning more about the couples and marriage counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Marriage and couples counseling section for more detail .
