Stop The Shoulds
You’re familiar with The Shoulds, right? The Shoulds live in your brain and tell you to do, which is what you might not really want to do if left to your own devices. “You should do this, and you should do that.” You know. The Shoulds. They create conflict between you and what you might really want to do, and leave you in a confused and often paralyzed state. They put you in situations that you don’t want, and don’t listen to your “no” very well. We’re going to take a look at the role of those pesky shoulds that you can’t shake off, and that stop you from doing what you really want to do for yourself.Last time, we talked about taking responsibility for your life, and I thought this was a nice follow-up to that. Shoulds could be considered taking responsibility too far, or not taking any, depending on how your should motivates you.
Shoulds create a disconnection between you wanting to do something, and actually doing it.
Shoulds have this effect of often making you end up in not doing something at all. Shoulds get in the way of forward progress - true forward progress - because a lot of the time, shoulds run out of steam after they’re indulged for so long, and then the negative default behavior often comes back. Shoulds are a form of self-criticism, which can be harmful to your overall confidence and self-esteem.Let’s differentiate between different types of shoulds. Lower level shoulds are "everyday" shoulds, which create a sense of lack of motivation and negligence in your day to day, and can often times be harmless. Compared to higher level shoulds (below), they can possibly have less of an overall effect on your life. Here are some examples:
Lower level shoulds:
“I should workout more each week”
“I should eat better”
“I should spend less money.”
“I should save more money."
“I should lose weight.”
“I should be nicer to my spouse.”
“I should stop beating myself up."
In general, shoulds are often empty mandates that get in the way of you actually doing the right thing for yourself. Yes, they can be motivating. Yes, they mean well. But they’re usually not sustainable because there’s often a competing “don’t want to” often times hidden behind the should. We have to learn about that voice, as well, and understand it so we can unhook ourselves from our lack of action and make our behavior more consistent.Sometimes habits like these will continue, in spite of you “shoulding” yourself into not doing it. In fact, they may grow in power, as you rebel against yourself and your shoulds. There are reasons that we do what we do - in spite of how much we “should” do something different - so maybe we can spend time trying to better understand our deeper motivations for doing things?We have to spend time understanding our deeper motivations, as well as our resistance to what we “need” to do. There’s a lot to be said in our resistance to doing certain things, and understanding that resistance may be the key between staying stuck and actually advancing and getting that “should” done once and for all without driving ourselves crazy. If not, we could should ourselves all day long, and not get anywhere and just be more miserable than if we had left ourselves alone to do nothing.Higher level shoulds are shoulds that operate with potentially more negative impact on our lives. These shoulds could keep us stuck in a bad place in our lives, and make the difference between unhappiness and happiness. In other words, they’re a bigger deal, and have more harmful consequences to us in our lives.Possible higher level shoulds:
“I should stay in my marriage - even if I’m unhappy - because it’s the right thing to do for the kids.”
“I should abide by my vows and stay in an unhappy marriage, even if there’s no chance of things getting better and my spouse isn’t willing to work on our marriage to make it better.”
“I should be perfect.”
“I need to take better care of my health, even though I’m not in good health now."
“I should just accept my job, even if it’s not fulfilling to me and making me unhappy, because it provides me a nice income.”
“I need to work more.”
“I need to work more and push through my stress, even though it’s taking a toll on me or my family."
“I should make others happy and sacrifice myself or my own happiness.”
Higher level shoulds, as you can see, keep us stuck and only seeing one avenue, not many. They can create very limited decision making abilities, which can keep you and your life stuck and unhappy.
Where exactly does your should come from?
Challenging those shoulds, be they lower or higher level, you can start to create some flexibility and more room for change, even if it’s scary.
Are my shoulds useful, or counterproductive to me?
Sometimes, we keep ourselves in a negative situation that’s easier, because there’s comfort and no fear. Exercising flexibility, you can find that you can break out of your limited scope of thinking, challenge the shoulds, and create different avenues for yourself.
Again, challenge your shoulds!
Do things because you want to, and do things willingly. Yes, there are duties and responsibilities in life that need to be attended to, but shoulds shouldn’t dominate that discussion. Act because you want to, not constantly out of obligation. You might just be happier if you did.
If you’re interested in learning more about the Men’s counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Men’s counseling page for detail.
