Origins of Sexless Marriages
I talk with so many partnered and married couples that admit that they aren’t having sex anymore, or that it’s been months, or even years, since they have been sexually intimate. They find themselves interacting more like good friends, or roommates, rather than the sexually interested partners that they used to be.Many self-help books may advise you on using superficial techniques, which help in the short term. Concepts like setting time for date night, spicing up your bedroom interaction, “scheduling” intimacy, or getting away on a romantic holiday may work once or twice, or for a while, but they don’t deal with the underlying issues that you and your spouse may be struggling with that create sexual disconnection.
Those suggestions may help create sexual intimacy in the short term, but if there are deeper, underlying issues between you and your mate, those problems will surface again and create repeated sexual problems in your marriage or relationship.What is important to know is that sex, like money, is one of those arenas in marriage where underlying emotional or psychological problems will manifest if not talked about. If there is tension, or resentment, chances are you’ll see it play out in the bedroom. Couples that haven’t worked through their marital issues outside of the bedroom will experience the effects of that negligence through their sexual life.
Men and Women and Sexual Intimacy
Men do operate slightly differently than women sexually, but I talk with plenty of men that need the same affirmation, affection and emotional foreplay that women do. It’s not "unmasculine" to want those things; in fact, it’s pretty healthy for men to ask for those things to be met by their wives or intimate partners.Lack of sexual contact adds to the underlying problems, in that it communicates to one or both spouses rejection, both sexually and otherwise. The message we often construct is that “I’m not good enough,” to be wanted sexually by my mate. If I’m feeling rejected, I’m doing to act on that unconsciously, whether I retreat emotionally from the marriage, or attack to try to get my mate to understand the damage they’re doing to me. Rejection, or feelings of it, are poisonous to the health of a marriage, and a sexual disconnection can certainly communicate rejection to one or both partners, whether that’s one’s intention or not.
Some women talk with me about feeling used by their partner sexually, or even invisible in their marriage, so these feelings naturally close women up and shuts them off from wanting to have emotional, and consequently sexual, closeness with their partner. Those feelings of being used or invisible typically harden and get worse, and communication gets more and more strained or non-existent. If in this past, one partner tried communicating these things, it might have fallen on deaf ears, so what happens is that disconnected resentment turns into withdrawal, avoidance, or just “doing my own thing” within the marriage.Further, the problems become worse when one (or both) partner turns that ungratified sexual energy or need for connection to someone else. A lot of the times, this could be “unintentional,” meaning that someone at work - who was previously a friend - just happens to turn into a lover. The original sexual disconnection takes on a whole new problematic dimension, one that takes professional help to untangle. Also, many men turn to online porn, which becomes a virtual surrogate for men to “get off,” bypassing the need to connect with their wife or girlfriend sexually. This creates sexual disconnection if one partner feels neglected or resentful for the porn use or abuse.
Remedies to Building Better Sexual Connection
Look for patterns of avoidance like moving out of the bedroom, not talking about sex anymore, or starting to indulge in “wandering eye” syndrome. If you’re experiencing these things, you may be neglecting a much bigger problem in your marriage or relationship.Communication is obviously really important in working through sexual disconnection. Those deeper resentments or emotional disconnection issues need to take top priority. What needs to be discussed is how sexual needs are not being met, and why. This is a time to risk the discomfort of talking about sex, if you feel uneasy about it, and use conversation to have productive, connective conversation with your spouse. If you and your spouse don’t feel equipped to handle these larger issues, or if you fear that they’ll get out of control if you open them up to talk about them, you’ll need marriage counseling to help you work through them.
Affection - in and out of the bedroom - also goes a long way. If you consider affection to be an extension of foreplay, then you might consider it’s role in developing a positive sexual relationship together. Being affectionate in your day to day with each other, or showing caring and empathy for that matter, goes a long way towards building desire.And if there are medical issues that prevent sexual intimacy with your mate need to be attended to, like erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, chronic pain, or depression, those things need to be attended to, as well, with your doctor’s help and attention.Sex is a complex thing, and when you add negative emotions, histories of grievance, and intimacy to the mix, it can breakdown quickly. Planning time for sex, dealing with stress and making time for yourselves to be close are all important and add to sexual satisfaction. More importantly, understanding the subtler emotional dynamics between you and your spouse, and realizing how they may play out sexually, is a key to keeping and maintaining your sexual desire.
If you’re interested in learning more about the Couple and Marriage counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our couple counseling page for detail.
