Stop Trying to Change People - It Won't Work!

It's true: people don't change according to your watch. They change according to theirs.
What do I mean? If you want someone to change, say a family member or spouse, no matter how hard you wish/interject/try to reform them, they have to come to a place within themselves where they want to do the work themselves.With many men, they need to see that there are negative consequences for their "problematic" behavior. When men come into counseling, often times it's because their marriage is on the rocks, or there are problems at work. The process of change then kicks in, and has a life of its own.It doesn't mean you can't communicate with the person whose behavior or habits is disruptive to you. You can. But, you can't hold out to the hope that change will come as a result. It may, and it may not.Why is this important? Because those that are committed to changing others suffer a host of problems. They many experience anger or frustration, which can be pent up when the targeted person doesn't want to hear what you've got to say. It may develop into general resentment, which can bleed over into other parts of your relationship with that person or job.What to do? Acceptance is an overrated word, I know, because we use it in this culture to deal with the things that we're out of control about. "Serenity now," proclaimed Jason Alexander in "Seinfeld," when he would be faced with daily adversities.

Acceptance, as a mental construct, makes sense, but if we continue to hold onto the emotional lack of acceptance, telling ourselves to "accept it" makes no sense.
We're trying to dupe ourselves into believing we should accept it, but our heart is holding on in a big way.We have to come to an emotional or experiential way of acceptance, which usually means going through the process of holding on. You can do this with a trained counselor or therapist, but sometimes it's hard to do alone.
We have to come to an understanding of how we're holding on to the person, place, job, memory, etc.

Some tips to help deal with not being able to change people:

1. Admit it's you, as much as it's them:
you have an issue with trying to reform them or hold onto hope of them changing.

2. Commit to stop reforming or changing them: it won't happen on your watch.

3. Communicate with them how their behavior is affecting you and speak through your difficult feelings with them, if they can listen; if not, find someone who will listen.

4. Deal with the grief of not getting what you want/need from the person, whether that's love, visibility, affirmation, connection, a relationship, respect, their time, their attention, more money, whatever.

5. Get on with life: don't stay stuck because of their lack of action. This will bring you down.

6. Help yourself/take care of yourself: focus on the things that you can change, which are primarily within yourself. Focus more on yourself, rather than on changing the other person. If you think that being healthy again means getting out of a bad relationship, it may be something to consider if there are no other ways to repair, especially if the relationship is abusive or codependent (substances or alcohol).Changing other people is a futile task, and most of the time, it's like hitting your head against a brick wall. People need the inspiration to change, and that often comes from within, and on their own time and agenda. If you’re interested in learning more about the Men’s counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Men’s counseling page for detail.