Dealing with Divorce

Divorce can bring so many layers of difficulty and stress, and can leave partners in emotional, psychological and financial distress for years to come. According to the American Psychological Association's website, "more than 20 percent of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and 48 percent of marriages dissolve by the 20-year mark, according to 2006-2010 data from the government’s National Survey of Family Growth." (APA website).How can dealing with divorce minimize pain and anguish, for everyone involved. If you seek to end your marriage in a healthy way, read on. I'm going to bring you strategies that focus on dealing with divorce in the best way possible, mostly from emotional and mental perspectives.

First, it helps to really clarify your feelings about your marriage and your partner. Maybe, if you're like many people, you've been "fence-sitting" for some time, perhaps months or years, and done nothing, even though you know the marriage is irreparable. It's possible that no one wants to face it, or admit it, either to themselves or their partner. And, it's possible that one partner or the other wants to seek out marriage counseling, and the other doesn't.Falling into the day-to-day rut as roommates, or as co-parents, may seem like a semi-comfortable option, but it gets you nowhere.

If you've fallen into becoming strangers with each other, and no one's calling out the elephant in the room, it may be time for someone to speak up about the truth.And don't "stay for the kids." I could write a whole other blog post on this topic alone, but your kids are going to know that you're both not happy. They're sharp, and wise. They feel the gap/animosity between you and you're wife, even if you think they don't. Don't postpone the idea of ending your marriage for another decade just because you're waiting for your kids to hit a milestone, say age 13 or 18 when they're gone to college. Why would you prolong your happiness for another ten years? Are you using the kids as an excuse not to make a change? I know this sounds confrontational, but I wouldn't want to see you "lose life" by staying put in your unhappiness.Dealing with fear - either of hurting your partner or spouse  or of actually making the decision to end the marriage - can be debilitating and can limit you into passivity and stagnation. You may just not want to do it, because of the repercussions.

You may fall into complacency, "comfort", the roles you both play at home with each other or rationalize your situation until you're blue in the face. It's all still avoidance, and doing nothing is, actually, doing something. You're making a decision to make no decision at all. Sometimes, couples end up in this "standoff" position, where one is waiting for the other one to make a move and end the marriage, yet no one is doing it. Identifying the emotional barriers, including fear, can help you start to articulate reality to yourself, and then your partner.Second, you need to get right with yourself. There is a total difference between wanting to divorce out of feeling reactive towards your partner, and actually working through the painful emotions and issues you have to get to a point of emotional clarity for yourself, even if your partner isn't on the same page at all. You have to get right with yourself, so you feel comfortable with your decision and don't leave the marriage with the after burn of guilt and regret.Third, you have to actually start talking.

I'm always amazed just how many couples don't talk to each other, and when they do start talking, they can't stop. Or, one wants to talk, and the other doesn't. Sometimes, just breaking the ice and communicating with your partner about your unhappiness can set your marriage on a positive new trajectory. Sometimes, it won't. You have to try, and you owe it to yourself and your marriage, as well as your partner, to speak up.If, indeed, the marriage or relationship is unfixable and beyond repair, the issue of grieving the relationship will come up. Can you learn to work through your sense of loss, grief and pain to help you cope best with a difficult decision to divorce? Many men that I work with are so strongly holding onto hope, that their wives  will finally "get it," that they become blinded to the clinging to hope. You may want to check and see if this is reality-based or fantasy based.

It's so hard not to hold onto hope, because there were so many wonderful, connective moments you both have shared together in the past. It's hard to let go of that past, even if the times were so much better, and adjust to the harsher reality of the present. Living in the past is a sure way to help keep yourself in a stuck state.Taking care of yourself means attending to your emotions in a healthy way, as described above. You need to not drink excessively, get he right sleep, eat well, and try to live a normal life as best as you can. Seek help, whether it's with a group of close friends or confidants, or a counselor. Exercise and try to communicate with your partner as much as you can, even if they don't necessarily want to deal with the feelings themselves.These are some of the issues you're encounter when you deal with divorce. There are surely others: what are some unique challenges you've faced? Please add your comments below.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Divorce counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our Divorce counseling section for further detail.