The Challenges of Being Gay in a Religious Family

Have you always been the best-kept secret in your family? Did you spend your childhood feeling painfully uneasy in the presence of your relatives, friends, and teachers? Did your family use coded or ambiguous language around you, making Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings with cousins uncomfortable?

Studies show that almost one-third of young Americans don't identify as heterosexual. Our attitudes about homosexuality and our culture's understanding of sex and sexuality have changed. What was once the sexual activity is today known as sexual identity. Sexuality and gender identities are now openly disused in schools and the support for same-sex marriages has undoubtedly increased over the past few decades.

Still, people who identify as LGBTQ+ who grew up in religious families understand what it's like to battle their family's lack of acceptance.

According to a Pew Research Center survey, more than half of the participants have a conflict between homosexuality and their religious beliefs.

So, you may know what it's like to grow up hearing your family's hostile rhetoric against the LGBTQ+ community, only to discover in adolescence that you are one of them. Or to be a victim of injustice, prejudice, and hatred just because of who you are.

And when all of this negativity comes from those you love and trust, the hurt is multiplied.

Coming Out

Many people are afraid to come out to their strict religious parents, who have negative attitudes toward LGBTQ+ people. Growing up surrounded by people who aren't understanding and supportive can make it extremely difficult to come out and confront your family's reactions. As a result, you may put off telling them the truth, dreading their reaction.

However, the following suggestions may make you come out somewhat easier.

Take Your Time

It's natural to be worried about how your family may respond. Coming out is never easy, especially when you have grown up in a religious Christian family with negative LGBTQ+ attitudes. So, take the time to decide when, how, and if you will come out to your strict, religious parents.

Many people choose to come out to their families when they are adults. Some people might wait until they move out or become financially independent before deciding because they don't want their parents to stop financially supporting them.

Talk to Them

It might be helpful to initiate a dialogue with your family members about their feelings and perspectives about the LGBTQ+ population - their lifestyle, rights, stereotypes, and treatment in your community. This can help you see how they will respond if you come out.

Maintain Your Calm and Give Your Parents Some Time to Adjust

Your parents' reaction may surprise you since many religious parents who negatively view LGBTQ+ people may respond more favorably when it's their own child.

However, be also prepared for a harsh response and a lack of support and acceptance. Allow your parents some time to process their feelings and come to terms with your identity.

Estranging Yourself from the Family

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to maintain contact with close family members. Your family's lack of acceptance and understanding can make it challenging to keep in touch.

Complicated family relationships can impact our mental health, other relationships, and well-being.

Especially if you are a victim of abuse in your family just because of who you are, cutting your family members off may be the safest thing to do. Fleeing in a harsh home situation is sometimes the best option for self-protection.

Studies show that many adult children who've estranged themselves from their families of origin experienced improved mental health and increased freedom.

But it can be painful to realize that a relationship with your parents or siblings is unattainable. Cutting off ties with your parents and siblings can also trigger feelings of loneliness, shame, isolation, stress, and grief.

Finding Support

Maybe you can reach out to a trusted friend or a family member and let them know what is happening. Telling trusted friends and family about your experience can be an excellent way to deal with the situation. They can provide support and help you feel safe.

Also, consider joining a support group. Sharing your experience with other people who can relate to your situation can feel validating and healing.

Finally, consider counseling if you believe the obstacles are too significant for you to handle on your own.

To find out more about our services, click here: gay men counseling.