Dealing With Anger Directed At Your Kids

Parenthood comes with a lot of challenges but one of the most daunting ones is coping with anger. When you have kids, it’s not always going to be sunshine, and experiencing frustration or anger at certain situations is a normal reaction. What matters, however, is the way we choose to cope with this emotion and how we can use it constructively rather than destructively. Anger is a basic feeling just like any other, however, it can be easy to get carried away. What can we do to successfully manage the feeling?

Take Time To Breathe

Anger often relates to what we perceive as misbehavior. When our kid is not paying attention to us or is engaging in behavior that we find undesirable, bad, or troublesome, that can cause us anger. It is useful not to approach discipline from a place of anger, however. Sometimes, we need to take time and calm down a little before speaking to our child or telling them off. Anger can make our reactions harsher, and it is valid to take time before making a choice. 

Rely On Natural Consequences

A punishment might not always be a good idea. For one, it can make the child angry at you or less likely to understand the problem with their behavior. They might simply try to avoid you finding out rather than avoiding the behavior itself, which is not our desired outcome. However, in many cases, we can rely on natural consequences to show the problem with a behavior.

Of course, this is not the solution if the problem can lead to harm or danger, but it can help with a variety of situations. For instance, if the child is not doing their homework, they might receive a bad grade. That is just what happens when the homework is not done, and it might be fine to let the child feel these consequences. If a thing gets broken, then it is broken and not available anymore. Letting the situation show its own consequences can be an effective way of explaining why a behavior is undesirable or why the child should avoid it, giving a clearer understanding of the relationship between cause and effect. 

Present a United Front 

Something children need from their parents is consistency. It’s important that you and your partner show that you are on the same side when it comes to discipline or consequences. If one partner is the “good cop” and the other “the bad cop”, if only one is there to tell the child off or set boundaries, this creates an unhealthy dynamic.

It’s important that both of you talk and decide how you want to handle different situations, so that there is consistency. Being on the same page also means that you can delegate a situation to your partner if you find that you are too angry to deal with it in the moment. 

Talk Through It

Our children should not be exposed to everything that is going with us. Some of our problems  need to be resolved on our own. However, it is useful for the child to see what’s going on with us emotionally. When we feel anger, it can become a good opportunity for showing your kid how to cope with this feeling. You might tell them that you are feeling very angry right now, so you want to take a moment to calm down. Show them different ways of coping with the anger and recognize anger as a valid emotion that needs to be handled in a constructive way. 

Set Clear Expectations

It’s important that your kids know what the rules are. What do you expect from them? What’s especially important? Setting clear expectations beforehand can be a good way of ensuring that everyone is at the same page. Don’t assume that your kids know, rather, make every rule, expectations, and prohibition explicit.

Be Careful With Anger Caused By Other Situations

We all get angry sometimes, but it’s important not to let our anger get to our kids when it’s unrelated. Our kids are dependent on us, so it can be easy enough to express our frustration at life, work, and many other situations with them. However, that makes them fear our anger and can also breed resentment, anxiety, and other unhealthy situations. To successfully cop with anger directed at your children, you also need to develop new coping strategies to manage your anger. How do you relax?  How do you address the situation in an assertive way? How do you manage your anger and direct it at solving the problem that caused it?

Managing The Lockdown 

The recent pandemic has bred anger and frustration. Many people are locked in with their families, having to deal with online education, and have lost access to many of their coping strategies. It’s normal to feel more anger or react more intensely, however, this means that managing those reactions becomes especially important. What can we do during this extraordinary situation?

First of all, we might need to let some things go. Set priorities and decide what is especially important for your family. Maybe now is not the time to try and keep the house spotless. Lower the bar for yourself and for your kids, recognizing the stress everyone is under.

Another strategy is to find some personal space and personal time, even just a few minutes per day. Take time to decompress and be on your own, focusing on your own needs. Making the rules explicit is also very helpful. You might use visual reminders for when you are busy and not available, for instance.

It might also be a good time to implement some emergency measures. For instance, you might encourage your kids to focus on certain behaviors, like their online school, by using rewards on the short-term to help them set goals and stick to something that can be challenging. This is not a normal situations, and it’s important to recognize this, as it will help you feel less angry and manage this emotion more constructively

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of anger on parenting, or if anger counseling could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my anger management page.