Why You End Up With Emotionally Unavailable Men (And What To Do About It)

We have different patterns in our relationships, and sometimes these patterns repeat over and over again. We might find that our partners share the same flaws and problems, time after time.

A particular issue for many women is that they find that their partners are emotionally unavailable and can’t fulfill the needs that exist within the relationship. And yet, although they seem to want something different, they face the same issues again. Why does this happen?

Growing up Experiences

There are many different reasons why we can fall into the same patterns again and again. Firstly, we often repeat the patterns that we saw or lived with our parents, our first significant relationships. If our parents do not provide the necessary emotional support, we might learn that this is what a relationship should be like and then seek what we know.

This is especially true if we view our parents as neglectful and emotionally unavailable but have never examined and analyzed these patterns. The drive to seek emotionally unavailable partners can also be codified by our first romantic relationship or our most significant one, which shapes the expectations that we will bring into the next ones. There is nothing mystical about the process. We have our expectations, we behave a certain way, and that might bring some people closer to us, because we allow them to get closer to us.

Relationships With Parents Form Our Relationships Later On

Our relationship with our parents can shape our attachment style. What do we need? How do we try to find it with the people in our lives? Later experiences can also influence the way in which we engage with other people. Finally, we often seek the familiar, even if the familiar is not ideal. We might know how emotional unavailability works, what to expect, and that is a draw in itself, even if it does not fully satisfy our needs. It can be a lot less scary to deal with an issue we have already encountered than to open ourselves up for new issues, despite the benefits and advantages of a new type of relationship. There may be other factors. There is often a low self-esteeme and a distorted perception of one’s own worth. The person might not be satisfied with the relationship, but they could feel that this is as good as it gets or that this is their only chance. 

Sometimes, emotional unavailability is taken one step beyond. In cases where there is abuse, physical, emotional, or any kind of abuse, addiction, or severe problems in the relationship. These can involve not only emotional unavailability, but problems way beyond. Yet, many people find themselves in these relationships for a long time or find partners like these again and again due to the same patterns. 

Codependency in Relationships

A clear example of this is codependency. It occurs when one of the partners in a relationship has an addiction problem, and the other person works around that addiction to maintain the relationship. She might give her partner money, bail him out of difficult situations, ask him to stop, but stay there for a long time. Codependency can be difficult  to manage and take the toxic relationship pattern beyond normalcy.

When to End It

How do you know that it is time to walk away? It’s not always easy to do so, especially if we have strong feelings for our partner, but there are several key points. 

First, has the problem gone on for a long time without improvement? If our partner is consistently unavailable and the situation doesn’t improve despite communication and repeated discussions, it might be time to walk away.

Second, the question is whether the partner has tried to change or improve. Have we seen in them any willingness to try and change, to be more available, to try to feel our needs or have they been indifferent and distant?

The third question to ask is how we feel. Do we feel mostly positive emotions and have mostly positive experiences? Is the relationship a source of more  problems, suffering, and worry?

Finally and perhaps most importantly, we can ask ourselves: if this is how the relationship continues, can I live like this for another year? About five years? For the rest of my life? An emotionally unavailable partner might remain like this, and even if we feel love for them, we have a right to receive love, affection, care, support, and emotional involvement if we want it. 

It’s not always easy to walk away from a relationship with these issues. This is especially hard for long-term relationships an for people who have faced the same issue again and again. The first step is to become aware of the pattern that we follow and recognize the signs and symptoms that it has.

The second step is to give ourselves permission to want more. We might ask it from this partner or walk away to find someone who can give us what we need, but  allowing ourselves to want more, to seek more, is essential. The third step is to take action. We might have a difficult conversation with our partner, break up, or find another way, however, we need to start acting upon the situation.

Sometimes, we need external support to break and change these patterns. We might benefit from therapy or counseling to work with these issues and learn how to do better. A therapist can support us throughout these three steps. For people facing more difficulties, like an abusive relationship or codependency, additional support can be very useful. Support groups, shelters, professional organizations, and even our friends and family can be invaluable during the process of change.

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