What You Need to Know if Your Parent Has a Personality Disorder

It’s hard to understand personality disorders as a child. When you were young you didn’t look at your parent and think, my mom has a borderline personality disorder, or my dad has narcissistic personality disorder. You were too young to recognize their behavior for what it represented, so instead it likely felt like you were never good enough. It’s difficult to recognize a personality disorder, even as an adult. Most people don’t realize their parents have a diagnosable problem until they start attending therapy. 

Growing up with a parent with a personality disorder can be difficult and create lasting relationship issues that follow you into adulthood. Often, one of the first steps to overcoming these problems is understanding where they come from. Parents who exhibit borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder both have the same fatal flaw. They expect their child to serve their needs, instead of the other way around. In a normal parent-child relationship, the adult offers support and understanding to their child as well as love and affection. People with BPD and NPD have a hard time doing this because their focus is on themselves. 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 1.4 percent of adults in the U.S. have borderline personality disorder, and the majority of people diagnosed with BPD are women. BPD is a mental health disorder characterized by troubles managing emotions and behavior. People who have borderline personality disorder often experience drastic mood swings and suffer from intense feelings of insecurity stemming from a fear of abandomnent. 

Being raised by a parent with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. When you were a child, your parent likely struggled to offer you compassion, empathy, or validation. Your mom or dad couldn’t offer you this support because they were unable to recognize your emotional needs and they were also unable to respond appropriately. The other important aspect of a parent with BPD is their nearly overwhelming desire to meet their own need for security and love. Instead of giving you these things as a child, a parent with BPD expects you to provide all of the security and love by meeting demands and expectations they set. The often unrealistic and, at times, conflicting expectations are a way for your parent to exert control over you. This need for control is driven by a fear of abandonment, but as a child it was likely difficult to express yourself or trust your own instincts.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Narcissistic personality disorder is similar to BPD in that narcissists also like to have control. NPD is a mental condition that results in a person inflating their own sense of importance. Narcissists seek excessive attention and admiration while often lacking empathy. This inflated ego typically masks a fragile self-esteem.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent likely left you with the feeling that you’re simply “not good enough.” Parents with NPD see their children as a reflection of themselves. They therefore expect their children to be perfect. The problem is, kids aren’t perfect and they’re usually very different from their parents. From a young age, children of parents with NPD are always trying to fit into the mold their parent has created for them. In most cases, these kids develop anxiety from constantly pushing aside their own desires and personality traits to better fit what their parent wants to see.

The Impact on Adult Relationships

If you were raised by a parent with a personality disorder, you probably struggle to create healthy, lasting relationships in your life. This is completely understandable. You didn’t have a good role model growing up to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. In the past, you may have even met someone who was safe and loving, but their way of openly communicating was so foreign it made you feel uncomfortable. This is a common scenario for people who were raised by a parent with a personality disorder. You’ve been taught to expect conditional affection that’s based on how well you behave and perform, so it’s difficult to trust someone who claims to love you for who you are. 

Overcoming the limiting beliefs you were taught by a parent with a personality disorder takes time. Talking to a professional therapist about your experiences growing up, however, can help you work through the confusing parental behavior you experienced as a child. You deserve to live fully in your own personality and be happy with the person you are, regardless of another person’s expectations. Please check out our men’s counseling page if you’re interested in learning more about counseling and want to talk to someone.