What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Work on Your Marriage
Many couples seek psychotherapy because they face a similar situation where one partner wants to stay in a relationship while the other is with one foot out the door.
A mismatch in desires and expectations is especially present after the New Year when many people turn to their resolutions and want to make moves in their lives.
However, such disparity among partners causes distress in a relationship. It can be very discouraging and painful when you find yourself in such a martial standstill. If you are the only one trying to save the marriage, you may start feeling disoriented, abandoned, and betrayed.
What To Do If Your Relationship Is Stuck in a Rut
Is it possible to save a relationship if only one of the spouses is trying? Yes, it is. If you decide that you still want to fight for your marriage, here are some things you can do regarding your martial standstill.
Think Through Pros and Cons of Staying in a Relationship
Give yourself time to think about your relationship and decide whether it is worth the fight.
Is your marriage gridlock just temporary, or does it result from the long-lasting crisis that could end your relationship?
Are you willing to keep working on your marriage even if your partner isn’t?
Are there other persons involved, especially children?
Are there significant emotional wounds such as trust issues, infidelity, or abuse?
Answering these and similar questions about your relationship can help you decide whether you should keep trying to rekindle the connection or give up too.
Allow Yourself to Feel Confused
It is okay not to know where you stand in your relationship because relationships constantly change. It is normal not to know what to do or how to behave. Allow yourself to feel confused and vulnerable.
Do Comprehensive Inner Work
We need to understand ourselves before we can understand others. Once you better understand your emotions, triggers, and behavior patterns, you will feel more connected with yourself.
For example, when you become reactive and angry, or you shut down and withdraw, these behaviors have the purpose of bringing you back to balance. In other words, such behaviors are signals that something is going on a deeper level. Therefore, understanding what triggers them can help you better attune to your needs and emotions.
Seek Counseling
Suppose you want to work on the relationship, but your partner wants to split up. In that case, marriage therapy might not be the best option because your goals are different.
What you need in this case is individual counseling with a couples therapist. Individual psychotherapy can help you understand yourself better – what are your behavior patterns, what causes them, and why are you repeating them.
Many of us struggle with personal challenges such as insecurity, mental health problems, past traumas, trust issues, addiction, codependency issues, etc., that affect our relationships.
When you become aware of your personal issues, you can start working on them, make decisions regarding your martial standstill, open up, and communicate constructively with your partner.
If your partner is willing to join you in couples therapy, a skilled marriage therapist can help you:
focus on yourselves and each other
improve your communication skills
open up
start communicating honestly and positively
rekindle closeness
And even if you decide to part your ways, couples counseling can help you separate on good terms.
Give Your Spouse a Break
Even though you feel hurt and frustrated, avoid arguments and blame. Instead, give your partner some time and space to think about their decision and respect their wishes. Try to stay patient and understanding without putting pressure on your spouse. You will show your partner that you respect them by giving them a break.
Ask your partner about their feelings and be a good listener. Help them feel heard and seen. Tap into your empathy and try seeing your relationship and yourself with your partner’s eyes. This may give you a better insight into your spouse’s reasons for not trying to save the marriage.
Summary
Showing an understanding of your partner’s feelings and needs and willingness to work on yourself can motivate your partner to question their decisions and help save your marriage.
Even if your spouse seems unwilling to stay in the relationship, this crisis still doesn’t have to end your marriage. Couples therapy or individual therapy for couples can be a great way to learn how to communicate openly and reconnect on a deeper level.
If you’re interested in knowing more about the ways to deal with your stuck marriage, or if marriage counseling could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my marriage and couples counseling page.
