The Influence Of Extended Family On Marital Issues

When we enter a relationship, we bring our baggage with us. Our past relationships, issues, and experiences will continue to influence the way in which we engage with our spouse. One of the most significant factors is the relationship we have with the extended members of our family, and this can often become a source of on-going problems.

Many people have good relationships with their parents and siblings as adults but many others face on-going conflicts or problems that can influence their marriage in a negative way. Let’s look at some of the most common issues.

Interference in family life

One problem is that the family of a spouse becomes too involved in the marriage. They hear about everything or demand information, they give advice or push specific solutions, they may ignore the couple’s wishes or talk negatively about the spouse’s partner. This interference, if it is not halted, can breed conflict and stay as a constant source of dissent and stress. 

Abusive and toxic behaviors 

Abusive and toxic behaviors don’t stop when a person leaves the family. They may continue, especially if the victim does not recognize them as toxic or does not have the chance to put an end to it. These behaviors create stress and might undermine the relationship.

Cohabitation 

Living together is a challenge, and having to share spaces with the family of a spouse can be an even more significant one. Different preferences, cleaning habits, diet, and many other factors can create tension, especially if a person is not willing to reach a compromise. 

Excessive demands related to resources

We all need help sometimes, and helping a family member is important. However, there are families that are constantly in crisis or constantly require the couple to help, to give money, to support, to do to the point where it becomes a source of pressure and distress. For example, a family might always put pressure on a wife or husband to support a sibling with addiction and also shame them if they try to set boundaries, requiring the person puts in time and money to help a person who is always in a crisis. 

These are just some of the situations that can strain the marriage. The common elements related to the problems involve, firstly, a lack of boundaries. The problematic family does not recognize the boundaries of the couple, does not respect them, or does not see that the situation of their family member has changed now that they are married. Second, a common element is that the family feels entitled to aspects that belong to the couple, such as their information, their time, their money, or even the decisions that they make. 

What are the effects? Usually, having a family that is so involved, creates stress, especially for the other spouse. It can make both people tense, create additional reasons to fight, or stoke an existing conflict until it becomes huge. 

Having a family so close can make it hard for the couple to build their own family with their own set of rules, values, and boundaries. Rather, they find themselves repeating the patterns that the other family has or work with the limitations imposed by this family, for example, the need to live together and respect the rules set by older family members. The couple does not get to see who they are on their own but become a part of the bigger, enmeshed family. The couple’s arguments often are not about issues that are actually theirs but instead may focus on things that are associated with the family and, thus, not on things that they can solve directly. 

Family problems, if left unchecked, can lead to severe distress and even to divorce. The spouse from another family might feel that their opinion or their wishes or their needs matter less, and that is a big problem for a successful marriage. 

What To Do

It’s important to set boundaries with the extended family and put one’s marriage first unless there is a case of emergency with the extended family, and there cannot always be a state of emergency. Renegotiating boundaries and prioritizing one’s marriage are essential steps to becoming a couple. It is not that the spouse should cut the family out of their life, but they do need to cultivate their marriage.

To find out more about our services, click here: divorce counseling.