Talking To Your Kids About Your Affair

The reality of an affair is that it has a wide-reaching impact. It doesn’t just affect the couple or just the people directly involved. It can also ripple through the family and the community, changing and influencing the relationships we have with other family members and especially with children. Young or adult children are likely to struggle and deal with difficult emotions related to an affair, so it’s a situation that involves them and that might require a conscious effort to address and overcome the situation. 

The Effects of The Affair on Your Family

An affair can be perceived as a breach of trust and a betrayal not only of the partner, but also of the family. A person who finds out that their father had an affair is likely to be hurt, question the relationships they have, and feel sadness, anger, shame, or other complex emotions related to this situation. In most cases, they will hurt, and this is not something that can really be avoided. However, it doesn’t mean that it cannot be addressed or dealt with.

Talking about an affair is not easy. It can feel difficult and is not likely to lead to an easy conversation. However, in many cases, it is a conversation that needs to be had, especially with older children, teenagers, or adult children who will notice something going on. It might be especially relevant when the affair is leading to a marked change in the parents’ relationship, up to and including separation, when there is the chance they will hear about it elsewhere, or when they become aware that something is wrong. Sometimes, a couple might decide to keep it a secret, but that has the potential of going south down the line or creating tension that the child cannot really understand or explain to themselves, which is stressful. This doesn’t mean that being open about the affair is right in all cases, but in many, it will be. 

It is usually better if the partner who engaged in the affair does the talking. This is not going to be an easy conversation, but this helps the partner take the initiative and responsibility for the situation. Regardless, there are likely to be some negative feelings involved.

What To Say About The Situation

What to say? First, it’s important to tailor the conversation to the person’s age. A teenager can understand something much better than a toddler, but in any case, the talk should steer clear of intimate details and oversharing. No child needs to know the sexual experience that their parent had or how attractive they found another person and other such details. A simple statement of fact and then a focus on feelings and actions taken to repair any damage works well. It’s very important to avoid negativity related to the other partner, as this can feel as an attempt to justify the situation or force the person to take sides.

It’s useful to take responsibility, address that it was not the best course of action and why, and outline what’s the intent going forward. If there is going to be a separation or a journey of healing, this is useful to share. Something to keep in mind is that it’s quite harmful for the child of any age to be pushed to take sides or serve as the arbiter (e.g., “I cheated because your mother doesn’t get me, do you see?”)

The other parent might be involved in the conversation as well, during or after. On their side, it’s also useful to remain more or less neutral and avoid pushing for their side. They can and should express their hurt or concerns, but avoid being hostile towards the other parent in front of the child. 

The person who is learning this is likely to feel many emotions, many of them intense and possibly directed at their parent. They might choose to express these emotions at the moment or later, and it can be important if the parent hears what they have to say and how they feel, even if it’s hurtful. Teens might react very intensely, for example, and say many things in the heat of the moment. If this happens, the parent’s reaction matters.  It’s more useful to choose a mature strategy for handling the situation, in particular, reaffirming that they love their child and will be there for them even if this affair happened. Giving the person some time to process also helps, however, there is no real way of making them feel fine about the infidelity.

The Process of Healing

The process of fixing the relationship with the child is likely to take some time. It’s not very useful to fall into the trap of overindulgence, not saying no or being very generous with gifts. Withdrawing, getting angry at the child, or pushing them to take sides are also not ideal reactions, as they can breed resentment and make the person feel that the parent has deserted them as well.

Talking about an affair is never easy, and there is no real way of making it go away. It does need time and effort. However, by being honest and supportive, it’s  possible to move past the situation and repair relationships that were damaged in the process. Through time, forgiveness, empathy, and support, the parent can become even closer to their child.

In this case, the parent is likely to be the one bearing most of the load for the healing. They should take the initiative and talk about their feelings, presenting as capable listeners as well. This is not an easy task, but it’s what helps relationships mend. The younger the child, the more responsibility falls to the parent. The conversations will not be easy. However, being open and making an effort to support the child and show them love can make a big positive difference in what the parent-child relationship will be like in a few months or even years.