On Self-Acceptance Of Ourselves (Video + Transcript)

Hi, this is Jason Fierstein, with Phoenix Men's Counseling. And, I want to talk with you today about self-acceptance, and the way that we talk to ourselves, and treat ourselves. Basically, the relationship that we have with ourself, I think is really important. And, it's a critical part of having good self-esteem, and good mental health. And, without those things, I think people can really suffer. So, I think understanding that we do have an inner voice, and a lot of the times, especially in our culture, that inner voice is negative, or critical, or constantly judging ourselves.

A lot of times we don't recognize this voice, we just take it for granted. And, we think that, this is just us, we were born this way, or this is how we've always been. And in fact, that's not the case, we've learned to adopt that voice, take it within ourselves, and we usually learn that from growing up, our families of origin, certain environments that happened to us when we grow up; a lot of times when there's problems in the primary family.

So, we learn to take in those messages, or transform things happening in our families of origin, and adopt those messages to make them negative about ourselves. What happens is, when we have negative self-talk or a negative self-critic, a strong negative self-critic, that usually is the basis for things like depression and anxiety, low self-worth, lack of self-acceptance, problematic relationships.

We can pick relationship partners, then end up validating our low self-esteem or our worthlessness, because we don't think that we're able to get another or a better, healthier type of relationship. We think that well, this is the relationship that I deserve, or this is the partner that I deserve. Even if the partner is problematic, or that there are unhealthy relationship patterns in your primary relationships. So, the consequences for low self-worth and low self-esteem are really varied, and they can ripple out in life. Again, especially taking shape in our intimate relationships, romantic relationships.

A lot of people ask me about affirmations and positive self-talk, and learning how to love yourself by talking differently to yourself. I think that those things are really helpful, but I also don't think that they really do justice, to the depth and degree in which we have these negative emotions and worthlessness, that drive things. I see those as much more substantial and that, just working on positive affirmations, or learning how to talk better to yourself, it's just skimming the surface, it's not really getting into the primary issues.

And so, what we do in therapy, a lot of the time are, go down and try to identify those core beliefs, those primary thought patterns; the way that we talk to ourselves, and really explore those things through looking at how a client does not accept themselves, and really amplifying that. I'm an experiential therapist, so what that means is, I work in a different way than trying to just identify negative thought patterns and rearranging them, or trying to reframe certain thought patterns; like therapists who work in a CBT or a cognitive behavioral therapy model.

So, I focus a lot on emotions and negative emotions, and helping to bring light to them, so that you can work through those and release them for good. And, those are usually the things that end up driving the mental health issues, the problematic relationships, things like that. So, and this can manifest in a lot of different ways, this negative self-talk about who you are. You can beat up on yourself for decisions that you have not made in your career, or in your life, disappointments, regret.

It can work in terms of sexuality too, if people are coming in, who are gay, who are not accepting of themselves and their sexuality; it can be a rejection of self. So, the implications again are, varied and far reaching. So, learning how to love yourself, I think is a process of identifying those blocks or barriers, or the negative self-talk, and the negative emotions that we have stored, as a result of learning that, early in our lives and looking at how it has propagated through our lives, and creating the type of lives we have.

So, even if they feel old or untouchable, or it's a exercise in futility, it's really not. I can say that those things can be identified, and worked through in a systematic way. So, even if you think that those have been haunting you for your whole life, I can say that therapy does really work, if you put in the effort, if you really want to try to deal with those things. So, just some thoughts about self-esteem and acceptance, and things like positive affirmations, and negative self-critic; and looking at how those things can ripple out in terms of one's life, and the decisions that one makes. So, I appreciate you tuning in to this video, thank you for continuing to read and watch our content, and hope you have a good weekend. Take care. Thank you very much.

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