Is People-Pleasing a Trauma Response?
Some people need approval and validation from others in order to feel confident and valued. In their constant need for approval, people-pleasers live up to other people's expectations and requirements, putting others' needs ahead of their own.
They never express their true feelings, needs, and expectations. People-pleasers struggle with advocating for themselves, setting boundaries, and protecting their own rights. As a result, they frequently form unhealthy, codependent relationships.
You may be a people-pleaser if you always put other people's needs ahead of your own and if your sense of self-worth is based on how others perceive you.
People-Pleasing vs. Kindness
People often mistake people-pleasing for kindness. Kindness means being selfless, compassionate, and friendly to others because it is part of your nature.
However, people-pleasers cannot refuse other people's requests because they are afraid of being rejected or perceived as disrespectful, imperfect, or bad. As a result, they neglect their own needs and never stand up for themselves, allowing others to take advantage of them.
But, to overcome people-pleasing behaviors, we must first understand their origins.
Does People-Pleasing Result from Childhood Trauma Bonding?
The quality of the emotional bonds we form as children determines the quality of our adult relationships.
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is motivated by insecurity and low self-esteem caused by trauma bonds in childhood. People who were neglected, mistreated, or abused by their caregivers tried to please them in the hope of receiving attention and better treatment. At the same time, they internalized the belief that they were not good enough.
Repeated traumatic experiences with an attachment figure in early childhood can result in trauma bonds, causing you to become insecure and overly sensitive to rejection. Such mindset can affect your mental health and all your future relationships.
The need to please parents and the desire for their approval can become a way of life over time. So, as an adult, you may find yourself constantly involved in codependent relationships, trying to please your partners to gain their approval.
How Does Insecure Attachment Lead to Codependency and People-Pleasing?
Growing up in a dysfunctional family with insecure attachment typically sets the pattern of insecure attachment in adult relationships.
Three common types of insecure attachment styles involve:
Anxious-ambivalent attachment
Anxious-avoidant attachment
Disorganized attachment
Insecure attachment is usually characterized by emotions such as profound fear of rejection and dependence on another person for one's identity.
Growing up with insecure attachment styles models how the person will relate to others throughout life. So, the internalized belief that you are not good enough may push you into a toxic, codependent relationship.
Some signs you struggle with people-pleasing behavior may include:
Lack of Boundaries and Inability to Say "No"
You feel responsible for other people's feelings and needs while ignoring or neglecting your own. As a result, you cannot stand up for yourself and refuse others' requests, regardless of how unreasonable or extreme they are.
Always Feeling Guilty
You are afraid of disappointing people, so you tend to apologize for things that aren't your mistake. You always feel guilty, whether it is your fault or not.
Low Self-Esteem
You often struggle with low self-esteem, not knowing how to protect yourself assertively, feeling emotionally disconnected, and struggling to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
Your self-esteem is entirely dependent on what others think of you. For example, you feel confident only if your partner compliments or praises you.
Perfectionism
You never knew what to expect or struggled to meet your caregivers' high expectations in childhood. As a result, you develop into a perfectionist who fears failure and mistakes. You're never short-tempered or rude to others, for example, because you believe such behaviors are unacceptable.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser?
People-pleasing behavior can prevent you from accepting yourself for who you are, reaching your goals, and enjoying your life. Constantly trying to please others can lead to you being taken advantage of repeatedly. This can cause you to develop resentment and anger issues.
In addition, constantly pleasing others can lead to a lack of self-care and burnout. It can make it difficult to enjoy life, relax, and do things you like.
So, how to stop people-pleasing behavior and prioritize your well-being?
Recognize that Taking Care of Yourself is Not Selfish
Self-care strategies such as affirmations, mindfulness, or gratitude can help you better know yourself, be more self-compassionate, and become more mindful of your needs.
Learn to Communicate Your Needs
Learning how to communicate your needs and feelings openly and assertively can boost your self-esteem and improve your relationships.
Seek Counseling
Consult a professional if you believe you cannot manage your people-pleasing tendencies on your own. You can learn to set boundaries, make room for yourself, and express your needs and feelings openly with the assistance of a qualified counselor.
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