How to Engage in Healthy Relationship Conflict
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but how you handle it can make a big difference in the overall health of your relationship. Every couple experiences disagreements, but it’s how you manage those moments that can either strengthen or weaken your bond. This article will walk you through strategies to approach fights in a way that leads to growth for both people.
1. Understand the Core Issue
The first step in resolving any conflict is to look at what’s really behind it. Often, a fight isn’t just about what’s happening in the moment. Maybe your partner left dirty dishes in the sink, but the underlying issue might be feeling unheard or undervalued. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and react without fully understanding what’s triggering the argument.
2. Own Your Part of the Problem
In any disagreement, it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, feelings, and responses. When we’re upset, it’s tempting to point the finger and blame our partner. However, blaming doesn’t help anything—it only builds walls.
Instead, focus on saying things like, “I felt hurt when…” or “I reacted because…” This shifts the conversation from a blame game to an honest exchange of feelings. It also helps to defuse any defensiveness, creating a space for both of you to communicate without attacking each other. This choice also makes the discussion about a feelings rather than an argument about perceptions of events.
3. Listen Like You Mean It
Fighting often feels like a contest to win, but healthy relationships are about understanding, not “winning.” Listening is one of the most effective tools you can use to resolve a conflict. However, listening doesn’t mean just waiting for your turn to speak. It means truly hearing what your partner is saying, without interrupting or jumping in with your own perspective right away.
Ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand something, and acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Phrases like, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated” or “I understand why that would upset you” show that you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
4. Avoid Defensiveness and Stonewalling
Defensiveness and stonewalling are two major barriers to healthy communication. Defensiveness happens when we feel attacked, so we respond by protecting ourselves, even if we’re not being attacked. This behavior often makes the other person feel invalidated or unheard.
Stonewalling, on the other hand, is shutting down during a fight. Both behaviors make it harder to resolve issues. Instead, try to stay engaged, express your feelings calmly, and make an effort to understand your partner’s point of view. If you notice yourself becoming defensive or shutting down, recognize it and take a step back to reframe your response.
5. Focus on Solutions
Once both people have had the chance to express their feelings and listen to each other, it’s time to focus on solutions. It can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of complaining about the problem, but it’s more productive to discuss how to move forward. Ask yourselves, “What can we do differently next time?” or “How can we avoid this situation in the future?” Keep the conversation forward-looking, focusing on practical solutions that benefit both of you.
Conclusion
Fighting in a relationship is inevitable, but how you fight can make all the difference. Healthy relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict, they’re about handling it in a way that deepens your connection and strengthens your partnership. A therapist can be very helpful in offering support and guidance on relationship conflicts, especially if you don't have a secure foundation of what healthy relationship conflict looks like. My office specializes in therapy for men and couples counseling so reach out to my office to discuss what we can accomplish together!
