How to Deal with the Loss of a Pregnancy or Fetal Demise

Pregnancy loss is a devastating experience that can change your relationship forever. To cope with the emotional impact of fetal demise or pregnancy loss, support your wife through this experience, mourn together, take good care of yourselves, and seek support. 

Grief after Perinatal Loss

After a perinatal loss, you and your partner might experience a mix of emotions, ranging from denial and guilt to anger, depression, and envy. These feelings are a normal part of the grieving process, and you and your wife should not try to suppress them. 

Denial

After the pregnancy loss, denial comes as a natural response to our inability to grasp what has happened. You might find yourself in disbelief and shock after fetal demise. 

Your wife may refuse to accept the reality of the situation and to discuss it. Or she may continuously be repeating the same statement, “This is not happening to me.”

The stage of shock and denial may last from several days to several weeks. Be there for your wife during this period and offer and listening ear whenever she needs it. 

Guilt, Hopelessness, and Depression

Your wife may wonder if she could have done anything to avoid losing a pregnancy. She might become angry at herself, you, or the doctors. She might develop depression symptoms such as feelings of hopelessness, lack of energy, loss of interest in daily activities, trouble focusing and making decisions, and changes in sleeping and eating habits.

While you might be experiencing the very same feelings yourself, show your wife that you understand. Practice self-compassion together. Encourage your partner to treat herself with self-acceptance, self-love, and understanding. 

Self-compassion means accepting your deepest feelings and thoughts. It allows you to silent your critical inner voice and its self-destructing ruminations. 

Acceptance

Many women experience feelings of profound longing and yearning to be with their babies. However, your wife will finally begin to accept the situation, acknowledge the loss, and understand that these feelings will not last forever. 

The grieving process takes time and unfolds differently for every person. You and your spouse might feel better some days but experience setbacks on other days. You may feel angry, envious, or sad after you thought you have moved on. That is entirely normal. 

Failure to show support to your wife after the pregnancy loss may result in other problems such as loss of trust, emotional disconnection, and unresolved issues. If both of you lock in your own grief and bitterness, your relationship might suffer. 

It is essential to understand that you are both grieving in your own ways, and treat each other with care and respect during this time. 

It is also essential to give yourself time to grieve so you can heal both emotionally and physically. Here are some suggestions to help you support your wife through the grieving process and move toward healing.

Accept and Support Her Decisions

If your wife doesn’t want to discuss the details of pregnancy loss with family and friends, or to pack away the reminders of your baby yet (baby toys, the crib, baby shower gifts, and similar), support her decisions and allow her to take as much time as she needs.

Encourage Your Wife to Keep a Journal

Research shows that journaling helps remove mental barriers as writing activates and occupies the rational and analytical left brain. At the same time, the creative and intuitive right brain is free to explore the subconscious. 

Expressing her thoughts without censoring them can help your wife understand her feelings and thoughts more clearly, and it can be a useful outlet for her pain.

Help Your Partner to Take Care of Herself

Encourage your wife to get adequate rest and eat a healthy diet. Exercise together and include physical activity in your daily routine. Practice mindfulness meditation or relaxation. 

Mindfulness meditation is an excellent strategy to tune out the inner critic and foster self-compassion, which is something both of you might need. Meditation can help calm your mind and body while being aware of your thoughts and emotions without self-judgment.

Talk with Her

Don’t expect your wife or girlfriend to cope with grief and loss the same way you do. She might want to talk about the baby all the time while you might want to withdraw and grieve in silence. Be respectful of each other’s feelings and needs but also be open for an honest conversation.

Seek Support

Seek support from your family and friends when you need it. They may help you support your wife and offer a listening ear when you need to express your feelings or vent. 

Join a support group and share your experience with others who have experienced pregnancy loss. 

If you feel overwhelmed and incapable of returning to your usual day-to-day activities, seek professional mental health counseling. Individual psychotherapy or couples counseling can be a safe place to work through your grief, learn effective coping strategies, and strengthen your relationship.

To find out more about our services, click here: women’s counseling.