Experiencing the divorce of one’s parents as a child can be difficult. It leads to many consequences for one’s emotional and psychological development, especially if the divorce is a messy one. However, the consequences might continue beyond one’s childhood years and adolescence into adulthood and impact the way in which a person experiences their adult relationships. Let’s see what impact it might have. 

Our understanding of relationships is shaped, to a degree, by the relationship we see between our parents. Their bond is usually the one we observe the most and that influences us directly. We often learn what a relationship is by watching them. It is, of course, not the only factor, but it does play a role. We might develop a relationship that is just like our parents’ or one that is not at all similar, and the decision we make is not always conscious. We might fall into their patterns without noticing or make the decision to do the opposite.

Some data would suggest that there is a higher likelihood that children of divorced parents will get divorced themselves. This is not necessarily related to just the experience, however. It could be that these are adults who are more aware of divorce as an option and more willing to use it. However, some studies also suggest that people who come from divorce are more likely to experience relationship dissatisfaction, depression, and stress, which could, in turn, also contribute to more relationship difficulties.

The Effects of Divorce on Adult Relationships

This doesn’t mean that all children of divorced parents get divorced themselves. First, it’s worth mentioning that divorce, in general, is becoming quite common, and a large percentage of couples are likely to separate regardless of their backgrounds. Secondly, not all adult children of divorced parents want to take that same route.

Many choose not to marry at all. Some don’t enter many romantic relationships or do but don’t formalize them. Instead, they might choose to live together or be together without tying the knot. Certainly, some may feel that a marriage is not a desirable thing or experience trauma due to what they saw but for plenty it is a practical choice. It involves  fewer expenses, reduces paperwork, and, if there is a separation, makes  it easier and more convenient. 

Another way in which people cope with the consequences of their parents’ divorce is by working very hard to make their marriage continue. This is not always negative, however, some people might be very adamant in their decision to stay together even if there are serious problems. They might be strongly motivated not to get divorced and consider separation to be unthinkable. While this can lead to positive changes for some couples, for others it becomes a source of misery. 

Yet another possible scenario is that the person will try to preserve their marriage by doing the opposite of what their parent did. For example, if they come from a background of constant fighting, they might try to avoid this at all costs. Sometimes, it can lead to positive outcomes, however, there is always the danger of taking it too far the other way. A person might completely avoid conflict and not communicate to their partner that they are upset.  A strategy based on doing the other thing is not always the best one.

Not all is so gloomy. People who experienced divorce might be more mindful of the perception children have and more committed to making the process of separation more bearable. They might indeed learn from their parents’ mistakes and take a healthier approach to the situation. They might be more careful with their relationships and more invested in making them work as well.

There is no single effect of parental divorce that all adult children experience. It depends on many things, such as how well or how poorly it was handled, how their relationship with their parents continued, their own personalities, and so on. For instance, if the divorce was sad but ultimately friendly, and both parents stayed in the child’s life, it might have been a much less traumatic experience than seeing one’s parents insult each other or fight in a violent way.

Despite this, it does seem that for many, parental divorce influences their own approach to relationships. It can add a traumatic situation that might push the person to act a specific way, not always the best or most appropriate, but it might also push them to be more empathetic and careful in regards to their relationships. If someone’s parents got divorced, it doesn’t mean that they are doomed to repeat the same pattern or to fail at their marriage. It might place additional obstacles along the way but all people enter marriage with some form of baggage or past trauma that can have the same effect.

Takeaway

We need to be sensitive to each specific situation. We can’t do what our parents did or do the opposite or choose to avoid relationships altogether. Seeing each new relationship as unique and as an opportunity to change can help us avoid old patterns. However, working with the experience of divorce through therapy, counseling, or other means can also help us learn new approaches and avoid common pitfalls. We can change our relationship patterns if we choose to, by ourselves or with professional help, and as divorces become more a part of life, it is especially useful to work with the consequences. 

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of divorce or if divorce therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my divorce counseling page.