Gaslighting in Relationships

There seems to be some sort of secret formula to having and maintaining a healthy relationship of any kind these days. From family relationships to friendships to romantic connections, there’s a lot of effort and work that go into forming and maintaining them long-term.  While there is nothing wrong with this, relationships shouldn’t be all work and no play.  If you’re finding that you have relationship problems or you’re looking into couples counselling, it might be helpful to take the time to learn about the potential cause of your emotional exhaustion: gaslighting. 

What is gaslighting?

A term that is overused but not properly understood by many adults, gaslighting is when there is one person who uses their own power (emotional and intellectual) to twist the other person’s mind and emotional will to suit their own needs.  Gaslighting is when someone slowly and sneakily forces the other person to believe something to be true when they previously thought, rationally, that it wasn’t. 

For instance, a parent or partner may say “You are so annoying when you eat”.  There’s no truth to this, but after it is repeated several times or acted upon (ie: they won’t be around you when you eat), you start to believe that you are annoying when you eat and that that’s something to be ashamed of,

Gaslighting can take many forms, including lying, giving false hope, a need for control ver everything, and wearing someone down.  It can also be any and all of these at any given time. 

Part of what makes gaslighting so dangerous to someone’s sense of self, is that it is often subtle and easily explained away for them, yourself and even those around you if you try to confide in someone.  These features can all intensify the damaging effective of gaslighting and even cause more damage, faster. 

Why is gaslighting so popular in relationships?

Realistically speaking, gaslighting is popular in many kinds of relationship. The most obvious one is a romantic relationship. It is equal amongst women or men, and both can be either gas-lighters or gas-lightees.  Partners who gaslight are often sneaky and narcissistic. For this reason, gaslighting can take effect on you before you even know that it’s happening (even if you someone who is watchful).  It’s dangerous and serious no matter how seemingly “harmless” their comments are.

Gaslighting is thought be popular in parent-child relationships as well as parent-in-law connections. Lastly, there are many sibling relationships that also dabble in gaslighting, though it a behaviour that is often stamped out by attentive parents.

Practically speaking, gaslighting is popular because, well, it works.  Abusers to cult leaders to victimizers all know that psychological and emotional damage are “easier” to cause because its subtle, it’s effective, and it will brainwash the other person to the point that they will always be under their spell. Gaslighting is, all other things aside, a form of dangerous and complete control over the other person in physical, emotional and mental terms.

What are some signs of gaslighting?

One of the most terrifying things about gaslighting is that it is all around us. Men and women both have experienced gaslighting (on either, or both, ends of the stick) and it can take many, many forms that often slip under the radar unless you are used to looking for it.  Examples include:

Saying one thing, doing another: This can be one of the easier signs to watch for. Someone who is gaslighting is going to say that they love you, but won’t act like it. Maybe they only tell you they love you after they’re insulted you, for instance. Or maybe they tell others that they’re so grateful for you, but don’t prove or show that to you in any form that you are able to see yourself. These are classic signs and can be hard to acknowledge.

Lying and denying even with proof: Above all else, gaslights lie.  Sometimes it sneaky lies like “Oh, I forgot to tell you.”  Other times, it’ll be stronger denial and then followed up wild accusations. For instance, if you were to accuse a partner of favouriting someone else and have proof, they’ll lie, deny, and blame you instead.  Often, they’ll add in a little extra pain by pointing out your flaws and how they “have to” go to other people to get away from them. 

They tell you you’re crazy: This often follows point #2.  They’ll accuse you of being crazy or delusional or paranoid when you bring something up to them. They’ll truly make you feel as though you are the problem, not them.  Because, of course, it’s never their fault.  Even if you have that proof, they’ll just shrug it off with a comment of “stop reading into things”.  That can make anyone feel crazy. 

They follow abuse with “love”: Any time that a gas-lighter attacks, they’ll follow it with love. For instance, they’ll say: “I’m just saying it because I love you”.  This is classic.  Or, they’ll yell at you and then give you a treat of some kind to show their love for you.  It’s easy to get sucked into the positive qualities and think “Oh, they’re good people”.  This will make you more likely to believe them and to get sucked in deeper. 

They attack when countered: If you ever confront them for their behaviour, they’ll attack. This is often where points #2 and #3 come into play.  Someone who gaslights will never, ever believe that they are doing so.  And this denial is what makes it so hard to detect or understand gaslighting the first place. 

Gaslighting is real

Whether it’s your romantic partner, a sibling, or a parent, gaslighting is a real thing and it’s a real problem, too.  Learning how to deal with gaslighting (regardless of which side you are on) can be challenging but it’s possible right the right support.  In couples counselling, gaslighting is one of the most common relationship problems to overcome and it happens a whole lot more than most people think.

If you suspect gaslighting in your relationship, help is available. You are not crazy and you are not overreacting. Gaslighting is real, well-established in many romantic relationships, and it is something that canoe understood with the right professional intervention. 

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of gaslighting or if couples therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my couples counseling page."