Family of Origin Impact on Being Gay, Self-Acceptance and Relationships

We are the product of our upbringing, in good ways and bad, but the experiences, memories and relationships we have when we’re young significantly impact the people we are today. Our self-esteem, our relationships, our worldview is often attributed in no small part to our caregivers, or more specifically, our parents. If you’re gay, you may have struggled with getting that acceptance for who you were, and it may have impacted your life in many different ways.

Many gay men grew up in households that did not affirm or accept their child’s sexuality, or being in general. Gay men often tell me that they felt dismissed by their family for being gay, and consequently, learned how to do this to themselves as young people. Not knowing better, we are receivers for everything as kids, both positive messages that build us up, and negative ones that tear us down.

If messages were given to you that did not accept you, it’s quite possible that you deal with those messages today on an unconscious level. If we’re told we’re not good enough, valuable enough, or not loved enough, those are messages that we assimilate, and take those to be truth. They’re unconscious, and typically operating from below in a way that’s out of everyday awareness, but they do run us. In relationships, those messages often appear in our interactions with our significant others, and create negative relationships patterns as a result.

If we don’t feel good enough, worth enough or lovable enough, we tend to attract partners into our lives that reinforce those childhood beliefs about ourselves. We’ll pick partners, or get into relationship patterns with multiple partners over time, that in some way, shape or form, let us know and reinforce those strong negative beliefs about ourselves. Sometimes, partners are outright and abusive, in emotional, physical, sexual or verbal ways; in other situations, they’re simply unavailable and not really in the relationship at all.

It’s easy to fall into codependency in trying to fix someone else, or continue to stay in a relationship thinking or wishing that your partner will change, but it might be fantasy thinking. People don't often change, because they have to choose to initiate that work for themselves, and it can be tough work. You have to ask yourself, “Do I love myself enough in my current situation? Am I getting my true needs and wants with this person?” You might have to discover parts of yourself that might help you answer those questions.

For some people who don’t feel lovable or worthy enough, there is an inner emptiness, a void, that seeks fulfillment through relationship. Relationship partners cannot do this for us; only we can deal with our own emptiness on our own. If your relationship is based on filling that emptiness, is it ultimately healthy and sustainable for you? What might a relationship look like if you felt that your emptiness was filled?

Until we learn self-acceptance and to love ourselves, we may continue to unconsciously choose partners that are unhealthy and not right for our higher self. Counseling or therapy can make a significant difference in this, but lesser methods often fall short, like positive affirmations, doing things different, making “conscious” choices against how you’ve acted before, rationalizing the past, or breaking up with someone, only to get back together with them again. These dysfunctional patterns keep people locked and in place for years, if not lifetimes, and we only have so much time and energy in this lifetime to find happiness.

We have to believe, at the core of our very being, that we are not the people that others in our families of origin told us that we are, including around our sexuality. We have to find that truth within ourselves, and learn that we are okay as we are. This can be a hard-fought process through counseling, but one that can be positively life changing.

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of family of origin messages or if gay men’s therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my gay therapy page.