Do I Have A Sex Addiction?
Not all addictions are about drugs. Some are about behaviors. Gambling is the most common one, but a type of addiction that is becoming increasingly recognized is sex addiction, which is a problem related to compulsive sexual behaviors. Let's examine what this means.
Sexual addiction refers to a compulsive need to engage in sexual activity that provides a sort of “fix”, a “high”. While people generally enjoy sex, people with an addiction in this regard feel a pressing need to engage in it to the point where it dominates their whole life. This sexual behavior can include intercourse, masturbation, watching pornography, and other sexual behaviors. People seek sexual activity many times a day, in inconvenient situations, where it can have negative consequences, and cannot stop it even if they try.
A behavioral addiction is harder to detect and recognize as such. It's not always easy to draw the line between “I enjoy sex” and “I have a compulsive desire for sex.”
Characteristics of Sex Addiction
Constant sexual thoughts regardless of the situation
Compulsive sexual relationships with people, including strangers
Engaging in sexual behaviors regardless of negative consequences or despite past negative consequences (e.g., getting fired, getting in trouble with the law, etc.)
Inability to stop or control the sexual thoughts and behaviors even when there is a desire to do so
Harm to one's work, study, and personal relationships due to preoccupation with sex
Sexual thoughts and behaviors interfere with daily life to the point of disruption
Remorse, guilt, shame, and other negative experiences after sex rather than enjoyment or pleasure
In short, sex addiction can be distinguished by an inability to stop the behaviors and thoughts, negative emotions (engaging in sexual behaviors out of compulsion and not for reasons of enjoyment or personal, empowered choice), and negative consequences in one's personal and professional life.
Sex addiction can become a serious problem for an individual, not only emotionally, but also socially. There are a lot of ideas about sexuality and about people who have a lot of sex or go through multiple partners. The person can feel guilt, like something is “wrong” with them, and might have difficulties admitting that something is a problem or seeking professional support.
It doesn't help that the sex addiction diagnosis is somewhat controversial. It is not yet fully recognized, and some argue that it might reflect a stigma towards sexuality or be a “convenient” excuse for people looking to cover their infidelity or improper sexual behavior, for instance, harassment. However, practice does support the existence of sex addiction as a disorder, and it is worth examining the differences.
Taking Responsibility for Sex Addiction
First, it is important to mention that a person who engages in chronic infidelity or in non-consensual activity cannot simply say that they have an addiction and get off scott-free. In the same way as with other addictions, they might serve as a factor, but do not absolve the individual of responsibility. If a person recognizes behaviors that can put themselves or others at risk, it's important that they seek help.
However, sex addiction is not only going to appear when it is convenient for the person, for instance, if they mention it when caught cheating once. The difference lies in the compulsive nature of the problem – the person wants to stop and feels guilty about it, but they find themselves doing it over and over again even in situations where it's mostly harmful to them. For example, a person might engage in sexual behaviors at work even if they know it can get them fired and they value their work. While it is possible that infidelity and sex addiction overlap, the latter is much less common than the former and provides an explanation, but not really an excuse.
Sex Addiction Vs. High Libido
On the other hand, it is important to differentiate between sex addiction and a higher sexual appetite. People can enjoy sex and have a lot of it or think about it a lot without being addicted. The line is associated with how much harm and negative consequences, including negative emotions, the person experiences due to their sexual activity and how much or how little they can control it and focus on other aspects of their life. Sex is healthy and natural.
What To Do
What should you do if you suspect sex addiction? This is a difficult situation to manage but there is support. 12-step programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous, that address addiction in general and can help reduce and address destructive behaviors. Some 12-steps programs focus on sexual behaviors specifically but there are fewer of those. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an method with a lot of empirical support that focuses on managing unwanted thoughts and behaviors, as well as resisting the compulsion to act. This approach can be recommended for people who suspect sex addiction.
Working on improving one's relationship through family or couples' therapy might also be an option to support the main treatment, as it can help people overcome conflicts that the addiction has contributed to. Finding supportive online communities can also be useful and offer a safe space to discuss experiences that might feel socially unacceptable. Lifestyle changes, such as exercise or artistic pursuits, can also help reduce the number of compulsive behaviors but, most likely, won't help without therapy.
Sex addiction can feel like a big challenge due to many reasons, among which stigma and shame are quite significant. But that is no reason not to address it. It is possible to improve the situation and find ways to reduce the negative impact the condition has on your life and your relationships.
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