COVID, Household Chores and Your Guy
The COVID-19 pandemic has forced us to make many changes. In particular, many households have had to change the way in which they operate. People spend a lot more time at home and engaging with each other, which has shifted the dynamics and the way in which many families approach chores and childcare. It might put a lot more demand on women, who traditionally engage more with these tasks, and create a situation where husbands need to pitch in more. How can women make this happen?
First, it's worth noting that your influence on the behavior of other people is limited. You can't really force someone to pitch in more if they are not willing. However, there are ways to approach the situation that make it more likely for a change to occur. How can partners and spouses ask for more help and more support?
How to Help Change Happen: What to Say (And Not Say)
The first step is to talk the situation through. Point out what has changed and, specifically, how the change has impacted you. It's useful to focus on several things. Mention what has changed using concrete examples. For instance, maybe before you were able to take care of the kids because they spent half the day at school, but now they are at home all the time and that limits your ability to get things done. Things have changed, and this is undeniable, so the first step is to point out what has happened. The second element to include is how you feel about the situation. Focus on your own experience. Have you felt more tired, more frustrated, overwhelmed? Comment on your feelings and your experience.
The next step in the conversation is to say what you need from your partner. It helps to express clearly what would you like and what type of help you need the most, for instance, that your partner watches the kids in the morning or is the one to cook supper. Specifics help. It’s best to say “I really need you to watch the kids from 6 to 8 on the evenings” than to say “I need you to spend more time with the kids.” By setting specific expectations, you can see what your partner has to say.
There can often be some resistance to this change. People might not be happy to take on more tasks or more responsibilities. From their point of view, what’s obvious to you and the strain you experience might not be so obvious. By laying out the situation and expectations, you can make it more likely for them to recognize that there is a problem, but, of course, you can’t force a change that the other person rejects. By explaining your needs and showing what you need, however, the chances for a successful dialogue increase.
Other things can also help this be smoother. First, avoid criticizing the way your partner does the new tasks. Maybe you’d like it better if he played with the kids in a particular manner, but if your request is being fulfilled, it’s useful to let it happen as it is, unless, of course, there is something dangerous or harmful going on. Criticisms can make the other person resentful and controlled, while giving them more autonomy over their tasks will increase their motivation to do them. When people feel micromanaged, they might pull away or feel frustrated with the situation.
Men Need Appreciation From You For Their Efforts
Another useful thing is to express appreciation. This works twofold. First, it helps the person feel like their efforts are being acknowledged and noticed, enhancing their motivation and also contributing to the relationship. Secondly, it can also help you recognize the work that is being done and appreciating it. Gratitude can be hard, especially if we feel that our partner should have pitched in more or should have recognized the issue without being told. But in many cases, this mindset won’t help us and will encourage us to criticize. Gratitude can promote a more positive environment in the home, which is especially important now that we are all spending a lot more time indoors. Yelling or trying to evoke emotions like shame can be reactions that reflect our emotional state, but they usually have the opposite effect. They don’t help in a practical sense.
What else is there to consider? If it’s important that things get done a certain way, it’s better to share it with the partner rather than assume that it’s obvious. Very often, it is unclear. Another thing to take into account is that the pandemic is the best time to lower the bar for yourself and others a little. There is a lot of stress already, so if something can be skipped without serious consequences, it might be worth it to have more peace at home and more time to rest.
What We Can Change
Of course, we can do everything right and still find that our partner, for whatever reason, is still resistant or unwilling to provide help. Ultimately, in a relationship, our influence only goes so far, and our partner has a responsibility to listen and engage as well. If they are not willing, then there is no way to force them. What to do then? It’s important to consider whether we would be fine to continue with that relationship as it is. We might also try to find other sources of support and help. However, a complete refusal to change the way chores and childcare are distribute usually does not have a positive impact on the relationship.
Overall, the conversation to redistribute tasks and chores is rarely a pleasant on. You can increase your chances for a successful outcome by being clear, focusing on your feelings and experience, providing a good idea of what you need, and practicing gratitude rather than criticism for the tasks the partner takes up.
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