Being Gay And Mormon: A Therapist's Perspective

I work with a number of men who identify as gay, and who have left the Mormon church. I profess neither to be an expert in gay issues, nor in LDS issues, but have worked with many men over the years who fall into both categories. I’d like to share my thoughts and experiences as a clinician working with those men, and hopefully validate some of your experiences along the way.

First, let me begin by stating that the goals of psychotherapy the way that I practice it is to support the whole person becoming who they are, whether gay, straight or another orientation. Therapy should be supportive, encouraging and compassionate about all experiences, and my job is to support your to develop your inner and true self, which often comes with one’s sexuality.

If you are gay, that fundamentally maligns with Church doctrine as I understand it. I’ve included some verbiage from the Church’s website that says as such:

The official Church of Latter Day Saints website says this: “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including [those with same-sex attraction]’” (“The Lord Needs You Now!” Ensign, Sept. 2015, 29).

The problem tried to be addressed with harmful conversion therapy, which is now banned and illegal in many states. Conversion therapy attempted to “convert” gay men to straight, and suppress their sexual urges towards members of the opposite sex to promote a more biblically-based way of life.

I disagree with these policies, and am glad to see that conversion therapy was outlawed. Anytime therapy has an agenda for the client, it’s compromised. Therapy has to and must meet clients where they are at, not coarse them or nudge them in one direction that is beneficial for the institutional party (in this case, the LDS Church).

When I have worked in therapy with gay Mormon men, a lot of the work becomes undoing programmed and indoctrinated views about their sexuality, which often relates to one’s identity, self-esteem and views about themselves. If people see themselves as fundamentally flawed or sinners, they’re likely to believe that about themselves, and act accordingly in their lives. If people are seen as fundamentally good, and their sexuality is supported as who they are, people are more likely to accept themselves and reject outside programming that has taught them otherwise.

Discovering that who one is and that they are okay as they are is one of the guiding principles that I use in my work with these clients. I affirm them as people first, and help them to work through the things that block them from self-discovery, happiness and self-acceptance. Sometimes, messages from family, church, or a combination of both, need to be identified, dragged out and challenged in the process of self-discovery. Sometimes, through the therapy process, those messages get burned out and fall off, leaving the person underneath to then find the freedom of self-discovery.

As far as acceptance and rejection issues, sometimes the work we do in therapy is also to deal with those themes as it relates to one’s family of origin. Many times, being gay in a Mormon family means rejection of some sort, from one or more of one’s family members who accept Church doctrine and see being gay as a sin. In therapy, we deal with those relationships, and help our clients learn to accept themselves, even if they aren’t accepted by close family members. We explore those attachments in depth, as to work through experiences of rejection, shame and lack of acceptance.

So, the process is not just owning and actualizing their own sexuality for these clients, but it’s also about doing the same for their identities as people, affirming their inherent worth and dignity as humans, as I believe all people should aspire to. This is a central belief about my philosophy of therapy.

I hope some of these ideas help you if you’re gay and Mormon. You’re valuable as you are, and your sexuality is affirmed, even if the Church or your family has not done that for you.

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of these things or if gay men therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my gay men therapy page.