Anger is a perfectly healthy human emotion. It’s only when that anger becomes uncontrollable that you start to experience problems. Constant or recurring anger uses a significant amount of energy and makes it difficult to think clearly in a given situation. When you’re angry all of the time, it also makes it incredibly difficult to actually enjoy life.

More often than not, people use anger as a defense mechanism against other undesirable emotions. For some reason, it’s easier to acknowledge feeling angry than it is to admit that you’re hurt. Recognizing other emotions like fear, hurt, and disappointment can seem more dangerous or less acceptable than expressing anger. The problem with relying on anger as your default emotion is that explaining why you’re upset become a lot more difficult. 

The Impact of Anger

When you’re angry, your mind tends to seek out the negatives in your life. For instance, instead of appreciating how your wife cooked a homemade meal, you might get irritated at the fish smell in the house, or instead of enjoying the opportunity to unwind and listen to music in the car, you get pissed off every time you hit a red light. The thing about chronic anger is that it’s not just directed at other people or situations. It’s also often directed inward at what you perceive to be your own flaws and shortcomings. 

Self-punishment is a defense mechanism people use when they feel out of control. When life isn’t working out as planned or when experiencing rejection, a lot of people blame and berate themselves for not somehow doing better. The constant negative self-talk often leads to isolation, depression, and a desire to escape from oneself. You may also feel these emotions if you struggle to express your anger to other people. Instead of discussing why you don’t appreciate a person’s actions, you turn those feelings inward and get down on yourself for not being more aggressive and standing up for yourself. 

How Anger Impacts Relationships

Unchecked anger doesn’t just negatively impact you, either. It also can have a detrimental effect on your relationships. It’s natural to fight with your spouse sometimes, so it’s important you both know how to communicate your frustrations with each other. Too often, partners will repress their anger and regularly let irritations slide without voicing their concerns. It may seem like you’re keeping the peace in the house by avoiding an argument, but more often than not this repressed anger turns into resentment. 

Over time, a spouse will resent their partner for perceived slights until everything boils over into a huge fight. At this point, your spouse may be taken completely by surprise. If you’ve been sitting on your anger this whole time, they may have had no idea you were unhappy or feeling resentful. If you’ve gotten to this point with your partner, a communication breakdown has occurred that could potentially be detrimental to your relationship. You both need to be able to express your anger and listen to one another so that you understand why a certain behavior is perceived as hurtful or frustrating.

Why It’s Difficult To Express Anger

Anger is a very powerful emotion, and when you initially feel angry it can be difficult to get your temper under control. In these anger-inducing situations it can feel natural to lash out and protect yourself with what feels like justified anger and resentment. Lashing out, however, usually doesn’t do a great job conveying what you need from a person, and it’s also often unclear what exactly has made you so angry.

There are a number of reasons people struggle to adequately express their anger from using anger as a defense mechanism to not understanding how to verbalize what one is feeling. If you’re the type to blow up at people, you may feel like you have to be aggressive and intimidating to make people listen and respect you. On the other hand, if you never bring up issues that make you frustrated, you simply may not know how to express or put your anger into words. Neither of these responses are ideal. 

When you blow up at people, instead of listening to what you have to say, they likely get defensive themselves and feel attacked. This bullying behavior will only drive people away. Bottling your anger and refusing to express it isn’t any better. When you fail to explain your frustration about a situation, this anger will fester and either be released in a big blow up or it will turn inward and transform into self-anger. 

Talking about your emotions is hard, especially ones related to anger, shame, fear, and other negative feelings. It’s even more difficult to express your wants and needs in a frustrating situation when you didn’t have good models to go on growing up. If your family’s reaction to anger was to ignore it or become combative, you likely use the same defense mechanisms you learned growing up. Breaking these unhealthy patterns to express your anger in a constructive manner can be difficult, but it’s worth it when you can improve your relationships and be more positive throughout the day.

If you struggle with anger in your daily life and can’t seem to get it under control, talking with a counselor can help. Contact us today to learn more about our anger management counseling services.