Divorces and break-ups are emotionally fraught. Even if it was all very friendly, there is still grief, loss, and perhaps resentment to work through. All of these emotions can make us feel hostility towards our ex-spouse and make us want to reduce contact. We might never want to communicate with them again but if we have children, we have a responsibility to co-parent, and that means that it’s important to stay in touch and work as a team. 

Try To Get Along If You Can

If you separated it was for a reason, and it might be pretty hard to get along with your ex after. However, it’s still important to try. Your ex will always be the parent of your child, so making the interactions smoother will make your life easier on the long run. What does this mean? It means not speaking ill of your ex to the child and trying to show goodwill whenever you can. A good tip is to try and make their lives a little easier and, if that is not possible, avoid making their life harder. 

Work On Establishing Ongoing Communication

One of the most important skills to develop is communication. Consider and discuss options that are most comfortable for you. For example, you might set up a chat to pass messages about the child and not communicate in any other ways unless you are both with the child. As time goes by, you might become more comfortable with other forms of contact. Your communication should  be sufficient so that you can let each other know of any important issues. Some co-parents communicate through books and journals that are passed on. Others have a chat. Some can talk to each on the phone. There are even apps for co-parents to create logs. There are options.

Your Child’s Not a Go-Between

As adults, you need to find a way to communicate between each other. There is nothing wrong with an occasional tidbit but your child should not serve as your main channel to pass on information and, much less, emotionally-laden messages. Why?

First, it can put the child in  he uncomfortable position of having to give bad news or not knowing enough to answer the other parent’s questions. Secondly, it puts the child in the middle and can expose them to information they don’t need to know, like what’s going on between Mom and Dad. Finally, it can easily become a passive-aggressive back and forth of “well, tell your mother that…” that can be harmful to the child’s emotional well-being. A child should never be asked to pass on a message that expresses negative feelings between their parents. If you need to communicate it, do it yourself, because it puts the child in a deeply conflicted position by forcing them to choose sides. 

Everything You Do, Do It For The Child’s Well-Being

It can be tempting to try and get back at the ex-partner by withholding information or being uncooperative. However, it’s important to remember that this always comes back to hurt the child. You are not compromising and communicating for the sake of your ex, but for the sake of the child, and it’s important to always remember this. If you don’t pick up the child from school when your ex needs it, the one getting hurt is not her or not him, but it is the child. The well-being of the parent often correlates with the well-being of the child, so it’s important to cooperate, not compete. 

Your Goal Is To Make Life Easier For Your Kids

You can’t get divorced from your child, and neither can your partner. If you are a co-parent, working to find cooperative solutions to the day-to-day issues and planning together. You are responsible for 50% of the situation.  It can be deeply frustrating if your ex is not as cooperative but adopting the same attitude is not going to benefit anyone. Asking for support from mental health professionals, mediators, and others might help you figure out an arrangement that works for everyone, however, it’s important to put on the work. Your children are the ones who will come out on top. 

Co-parenting after a separation is a challenge. An essential element is trying to establish communication with your ex in a way that does not involve your kids as messengers and always prioritizing their well-being.  To find out more about our services, click here: divorce counseling.