There are many different aspects of infidelity, and one of the more common themes that I experience in working with men who’ve cheated on their partners is that most times, they avoid dealing with their issues, and seek out women to make them feel good or to give them what they want, or think that they want, as opposed to getting those needs met directly from their relationship partner.

Seeking out other women, whether it’s sexting, getting nude photos sent, or communicating inappropriately with women in other ways, serves as a distraction from many things, especially boredom or unmet needs in a primary relationship. Men tell me that they don’t feel affirmed, wanted, special or appreciated in their primary relationships, and upon discovery, they realize that they’ve been seeking to get those needs met unconsciously by other women. Many times, these guys don’t realize, or rationalize, that this behavior is okay, when it’s not.

Meeting or Avoiding Your Relationship Needs

We all have these needs in relationships, but whether we recognize those needs, and then work to get them met in our primary relationship is another thing. A lot of times, one or more partners in a relationship struggle communicating themselves, or the cycles of conflict are so high and often, that guys tend to back off and want to avoid conflict.

It’s this kind of a situation that fosters the beginning of reaching out to other women. When we don’t get our relationship needs met, they fester and grow, whether we want them to or not. We can’t avoid them, as much as we might try to rationalize them or deny that they’re a big deal. Our minds work to make these situations better or more comfortable, but in reality, it’s really just conflict avoidance, which often creates more problems that communicating them directly in the first place. When we’re sitting on that energy, the chances of it being expressed sideways, meaning seeking out other women to give us what we need, is higher at that point.

Other Women: Fantasy vs. Reality

Other women become the objects of our fantasy, as much as we might not see it or want to admit it. The fantasy of being with, or being wanted by, other women is intoxicating, and for many men, irresistible to the point that they put their primary relationships in jeopardy.

We think that new women will meet our needs, and they might, in the short term. Women may want us in the way we want to be wanted, they may affirm us and tell us what our primary relationship partner doesn’t, they may be more physically or sexually attractive, or they may care for us in the way that our wife or girlfriend may not be. In fact, there may be years of unhappiness and relationship stagnation in a primary relationship, which leads to the extreme hunger to satisfy these needs with someone else. It’s like finding an oasis in the middle of a long desert trek.

It’s important to differentiate fantasy from reality, because once we get lost in fantasy mode, we start to compromise ourselves and our relationship. We start living inauthentically and with duplicity, and the psychological and emotional weight of doing that will build and create pressure on us, which inevitably leads to destructive ends.

So, learning what your issues are, and figuring out if you’re avoiding dealing with those issues is really important in preventing yourself from seeking out other women and making your life and relationship or marriage harder.

Questions You Can Ask Yourself

There are many introspective questions you might want to ask yourself if you’re prone to avoiding your problems or issues when it comes to your relationship. If you tend to be an avoider, ask yourself what you might be avoiding when it comes to your relationship or marriage, and what would it look like to deal with your problems, rather than seeking out other women to make yourself feel better? What would you need to say or do with your wife or girlfriend to feel like you’re getting your needs met by her? And if your primary relationship isn’t working anymore, what do you need to both do to address or fix the issues, or end the relationship amicably if it needs to end?

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