The term “authenticity” has floated around culture recently, and has had me thinking about it and people’s relationship to authenticity. I think people are craving what’s real mores now than ever, because we’re exposed to so much that’s not.

We seek authenticity within ourselves, and others, but often times are held back by unconscious roles that we developed from early childhood. They’re out of our awareness because they’re unconscious, so many times, in spite of seeking authenticity, we’re chained and held back by these unconscious roles that we still show up with in the world.

In childhood, this gradual development of personality roles has us learning and adapting to meet the needs of the caregiver, and in most cases, one’s parent or parents. We develop these neurotic facades or roles (personality armor), which keeps us from truly being authentic. It’s only later, in adulthood, that we consider that these roles are even real, that we’ve been unconsciously been playing them, and that they’ve been presenting problems to us in our adult lives.

Many times, people seek out therapy for the immediate problems that they’re facing, like depression, stress, divorce or marriage issues. In those instances, there’s often a role or personality armor attached to those situations, which them becomes exposed through therapy. These roles that have been out of our awareness, have guided us through life and through situations in our life, like intimate relationships or marriage, and once they start to create real problems, we’re then often presented with those roles and forced to deal with them, especially in the event of the threat or loss of a committed relationship.

For example, In the case of people pleasers, this is a role. People pleasers are taught to forgo their own needs, wants and desires - as well as their subsequent feelings about suppressing those things - and learn to conform to other people’s desires of them. People pleasers figure out what others want, and conform to those expectations by contorting their personalities around those people and their expectations of them.

It’s tempting to want to be the person that everyone loves. Who wouldn’t want the praise, adoration, esteem and identity reinforcement that comes from being the kind of person people want? The problem is is that divorcing ourselves, we end up rejecting ourselves to our own expense.

We’ve learned in our culture, especially the American culture, that “to go along is to get along.” I believe that this is wrong, and that listening to ourselves, even if it goes against dogma and long-held beliefs, is the way towards authenticity. It may not always look pretty, and it might create conflict or tension between people, but bringing one’s true voice to one’s own life is a road to be valued. No one is living your life, and you’re the only one who has to live with yourself at then end of the day, not others. How do you want to choose your life and the way you show up in it?

In the case of codependency, it’s a similar issue. Codependent-oriented people tend to cling onto others who are not available in certain ways, either physically, emotionally or both. People pleasers can fall into codependency, and make themselves the people who they think others want them to be.

This is the opposite of authenticity. Neurotic roles, when we’re playing them, may seem genuine, but they’re not. Real authenticity is identifying these deeply engrained personality patterns, and working through them, like layers of an onion. Only true authenticity can be found in working through those things. As long as we show up in the world with our armor, we’re still being phony, even if we think we’re not.

Therapy can help in discovering these roles, and working through them so clients can find and develop their true selves underneath the facades, egos and ways we present ourselves to the world that aren’t really us. It can help you get back to the source of who you are, and learn how to be okay not playing roles for others, but living in accordance with yourself, even if it’s against what others want from you.

If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of roles, especially with people pleasers, or if nice guy therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact me or visit my nice guy therapy page.