Divorce is a difficult process for everyone involved, but it’s especially hard on kids. Children usually don’t understand why their parents are separating and the adjustment to split custody can be jarring. You’re likely worried about how the divorce will impact your kids, and rightly so. Research has shown that divorce creates emotional distress for kids which can lead to behavioral problems. Below are some tips for helping and protecting your children through this difficult time. 

Plan how to announce the divorce

Before telling your kids about the divorce, have a plan in place. Both you and your ex should sit down and have a conversation with your children to explain what is happening and answer any questions the kids might have. It’s also important to have the living situations already worked out, too. You’re already disrupting a major part of your children’s lives by getting a divorce but changing homes, schools, and activities can make this transition even harder. Do your best to keep your kids’ regular routines in place while you finalize the divorce and adjust living situations. 

Reassure your kids regularly

Kids start to question their relationship with their parents during a divorce. It’s difficult for them to understand why the separation is occurring, which is why you need to make it clear your divorce is not their fault. They will reflect on the past, which likely involved arguments between you and your spouse over childrearing. They may see these past fights as the cause of the divorce. Firmly reassure your kids they in no way caused you and your partner to separate. 

During this time you should also regularly reassure your kids that you love them. Stress levels will be high and there is going to be a lot of tension in the house, so you need to let your kids know even though mom and dad don’t get along, they’re still loved.   

Remember, your child isn’t the one getting the divorce

The conflict is between you and your example-wife, so stop getting the kids involved. You need to recognize how your words and actions can impact your relationship with your children as well as their relationship with their mom. That being said, never criticize your ex-spouse in front of the kids. The bad-mouthing can damage your child’s self-esteem if they have similar qualities. It will also color their perception of their other parent, who they love, and might make them feel like they need to choose sides. 

Your kids need their mom and their dad, so don’t do anything that will make them feel torn or resentful. Let them know it’s OK if they want to visit their mom and that you still support that relationship. 

Co-parenting is different than marriage

Just because your marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean you can’t successfully co-parent with your ex. The first step is committing to create a different relationship with your example-wife as co-parents. You might rather forget your ex entirely, but that’s not possible when kids are involved so instead you need to work toward a cordial relationship. There are a few steps you need to take toward a more cooperative relationship, and they’re listed below.

Step 1: Set aside resentments

In most divorce cases, there is anger and hurt on both sides. You need to take responsibility for your emotions if you expect to successfully co-parent your kids. Admittedly, this is extremely hard to do, especially in cases of infidelity. However, co-parenting isn’t about your feelings or your ex’s feelings. It’s about the happiness and stability of your kid. 

Step 2: Figure out how to communicate

Communication is a big part of successful co-parenting. Now, you and your ex-wife may have struggled in this area when married, but there is no room for constant bickering as co-parents. To avoid unnecessary fights, put some rules in place. This can include setting a formal tone. Talk to each other as you would a colleague - be professional and straightforward. 

You should also keep conversations kid-focused. Only discuss the needs of your children and don’t devolve into how your feeling or how your ex is coping. It may also be necessary to put other boundaries or rules in place to keep things civil.

Step 3: Become a team

Even though you’re not married anymore, you and your ex-spouse still need to provide a unified front when handling your kids. This means setting the same rules and schedules as well as agreeing on disciplinary measures. Aim for consistency so your kids don’t get confused or try to play you and your ex-spouse against each other. 

Being a team also means making big decisions together. Whether you like it or not, major decisions require the input of your ex-wife, so plan to have a conversation around big issues such as medical needs, education, and even financial issues. 

Conclusion

Co-parenting is hard work, especially when the divorce is still fresh. Learning how to successfully co-parent, however, will be a big help for your children. In fact, one of the best ways you can protect your kids during a divorce is to figure out how to tolerate your ex-spouse so you can better support your children. If you’re interested in knowing more about the effects of divorce or if you think divorce therapy could be right for you, please feel free to contact us or visit our divorce therapy page.