The word “codependency” is thrown out a lot these days to describe those who are enmeshed with someone else to the point that they sacrifice their own well being or their own inner voice. It happens in relationships affected by alcoholism or drug abuse, but relationship codependency can be present without the introduction of those things.How codependency essentially is defined is to say that a relationship takes precedence for someone over their own needs, feelings and sense of self. The relationship, or more specifically, the problems within the relationship or a problematic partner, become the central focus, and the codependent partner ends up falling victim to an “orbit” around the other relationship partner.

I’ve seen this happen to good men in relationships, where without a strong sense of self, they fall victim to this orbiting around their partner. They succumb, lose their strength, and modify themselves to fit the demands of their partner. The codependency part means that they’re willing (unconsciously) to sacrifice themselves or set aside their needs and wants to please/appease/satisfy or not make waves in the relationship or marriage.“Nice guys” are one kind of guy that codependency applies to. Guys who have a hard time saying ‘no’ to their partners typically stuff their needs, wants and desires, and end up with a lot of repressed anger and frustration as a result. They stuff their anger, in “nice guy” fashion, because putting a name on their frustration and anger may upset the “homeostasis” of the marriage. It may very likely upset the fixed order, and anger one’s spouse. As a result, “nice guys” - guys who can’t say no - end up becoming satellites orbiting around their wives and girlfriends. Many become so emasculated that they stay in these orbiting patterns for years, never breaking orbit to find their own voice and sense of self.So, how do you recognize if you’re codependent? Try asking yourself some of these questions:

• Am I sacrificing my needs and wants in this relationship? Is it to not upset the general order?

• Am I afraid to speak up to my wife, girlfriend or partner? How so?

• Do I have repressed anger and pain that I keep from my partner?

• Would I consider myself guilty of appeasing, overcaring or working too hard in this relationship? In previous relationships?

• Have I fallen victim to this pattern in previous relationships?

• Is this relationship more important to me that I am to myself?

• Can I identify an “orbit” or “tractor beam” in my current relationship, where I get sucked in and focus my efforts on pleasing the other person to the detriment of my own happiness?

Codependency is a common issue, but it’s hard to spot when you’re in it. Falling victim to the orbiting around someone else takes consciousness and awareness, first to spot it and then to start to break it. It can be broken, but it takes focused effort.Usually, professional counseling can help you break the cycle for good and help develop your awareness about your unconscious blocks and barriers. It’ll take work, but the freedom involved in stopping the codependent orbit will be rewarding.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be without a relationship. It just means that the relationship, as you and your partner know it today, will be forced to evolve with your own personal evolution.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Couple and Marriage counseling , or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our couple counseling page for detail.