Many problems that seem sexually based in a relationship or marriage are actually more interpersonally-based that would appear. Many times, conflict, fighting and distance between partners is often the basis for  sexual problems that develop between lovers. We're going to talk about some of those "behind the scenes" issues that negatively affect your sexual performance or connection.

Here we go:

1. Fighting and conflict:
When you're engaged in fighting with your wife or girlfriend (or partner), and bad blood is generated, it's really hard to feel connected to them on any level, including sexually. It may be easier for men to want to engage in sex, but for women, sex is much more than the physical act. Women need to know that their guy loves them, cares for them, and is emotionally attuned to them. Fighting and conflict dampen the sexual connection, and can leave a couple listless and uninspired for sex. Work on working out the issues you need to be for sex, so that the connection is felt on a deeper level.

2. Performance anxiety:
For a lot of guys, this is fairly common, especially in new relationships and for younger guys. Guys set certain standards for themselves as sexual partners, and when they do that, they almost guarantee themselves for failure. We may want to be the most sexually adventurous person on Earth, or the best lover that she's ever had, but by setting such high standards for ourselves, we end up disappointing ourselves ( and possibly her). Try to relax, practice breathing exercises, and try to stay focused on the present moment enjoyment of the act itself. If you focus on your performance, you're actually not very present. The best sexual performance is being present in the moment, and your partner will appreciate that a lot more.

3. Lack of communication, inside and outside of the bedroom:
Sex is all about communication, and if there is problematic communication or none at all, especially around sex, your sexual connection may wane. Communication is vitally important to the health of the overall relationship, but when it comes to sex, it's critical. Learning to start communicating what you need sexually, and what you like, is important in developing the sexual connection with your partner. Without it, sex becomes perfunctory, uninspiring and, well, just plain boring. Knowing what you want, and like, knowing how do  communicate that to your partner in a way that they understand will help ensure for a more satisfying (and varied) sexual life. Risk opening up and sharing some personal thoughts or sexual fantasies that you got, and in that risk  just may pay dividends.

4. Sexual confidence:
For a lot of guys, competence is a huge issue in general, not just sexually. Women want men to be overall confident, and sexual confidence is just an extension of that. Women specifically want men to step up the assertive factor sexually. Some women that I talk to in counseling say that they wish their husbands and boyfriends would be more sexually assertive with them, and learn to make more of the first moves towards them. They say that they get tired of waiting or feeling like they have to initiate sex first, and want to know that their guy buys in a little more. Again, sex is an extension of other things, and taking the sexual initiative is not unlike taking the initiative with cooking, cleaning, supporting your wife or girlfriend, or taking the initiative to take care of yourself. They all communicate to her that she's wanted, loved, and still attractive to you. She needs your validation, love and affirmation, sexually and otherwise.

5. Energy problems:
Plenty of things can chip away at our energy levels: kids, workloads, stress, alcohol, depression, marital problems, and just general fatigue. Learning how to keep your energy high is laying the foundation for sexual success. understanding your unique energy patterns throughout the day and making lifestyle changes will help keep your energy flying high consistently. Choosing the right foods, adding good sleep, staying away from alcohol and tobacco, practicing daily stress management and relaxation techniques, having a social support system of friends and family, and learning how to communicate when you're stressed are all really important things that you can do to generate more energy that will positively affect you in mind and body.

These tips are designed to help tackle some of the possible sexual problems in your relationship or marriage. If you suspect that there are physical or medical problems that need attention, please consult your primary care doctor. Many sexual problems are medically based, and these tips won't work for you if you're having those types of problems. Learning how to develop a sexual relationship with your partner is a relationship over time. You're learning what works, and what doesn't, to stay at your most optimal and to develop a sexual connection with the woman you love.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Marriage and couples counseling or Sex therapy, or if counseling might be right for you, please feel free to contact me directly or visit our marriage couples counseling.