(From the Jewish News of Phoenix, May 15th, 2009 edition)

To: Jewish mothers on Mother’s Day

From: Jason Fierstein, Jewish son and former dater

Re: Invitation to let your sons date who they want to date
CC: Frustrated and (still) single Jewish “Meinsteins”

On a Jewish humor Web site, I stumbled upon the concept of a “Meinstein,” which would translate to mean “my son, the genius.” It reminded me of how Jewish mothers, like my own, think the world of their sons. They all genuinely believe in the “Meinstein” quality of their sons, which is awesome. They are devoted to the care and success of their sons to the end of time, and it is so appreciated, as a Jewish son. So on this Mother’s Day, we honor you and are proud to be your Meinstein. But we want some space, please.

I’m keenly aware of the fine line between adoration and suffocation that marks the sometimes unhealthy relationship boundary between a Jewish mother and her son. Long before the concept of “helicopter” parenting, Jewish Mother Syndrome (JMS) was silently crippling hundreds of thousands of desperate Jewish men around the world. My point here is that there is a difference between normal maternal concern and being codependent in a Jewish son’s life, especially in the sacred areas of love and romance.

There are few other realms of a guy’s life more sacred (and thus susceptible to codependency) than dating. The world of women is already so difficult on its own, that we kindly (and lovingly) ask that you refrain from engaging in the following behaviors:

1. Setting us up on dates with women that you have hand-picked from the chavurah (or any other place).
2. Giving aforementioned women our cell-phone numbers without verbal or written consent from us.
3. Calling aforementioned women on the phone to get information from them, such as educational status, relationship history, temple affiliation or the like.
4. Setting up double dates with us (your sons), the aforementioned women, and you and Dad (not cool).
5. Googling or Facebooking the girls we tell you about; we don’t want to start fabricating their names so you won’t do this. They don’t want to be your Facebook friend, trust me.

What we do ask of you, in this Mother’s Day memorandum, are these things instead:

1. Acceptance of who we date, no matter how bad the date or whether you like that person. Let us figure that out on our own, please.
2. Not sharing your disapproval with us without invitation. And no disapproving or overly inquisitive e-mails, texts or Tweets either.
3. Trust that we are grown men capable of picking out dates in a respectable and thoughtful manner. We might even pick someone you approve of.

In conclusion, this Mother’s Day memorandum is to ensure the continued functionality of our family organization. We love you, Jewish moms, and we just need to know you’re there for us - but not there too much. Happy Mother’s Day, and know that your little Meinstein will pick a Mrs. Meinstein sooner or later all on his own.

Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Jewish men and couples. He practices in Phoenix, working with men who want to make their wives and girlfriends happier, and simply be happier themselves, as well as those about to find love. Call 602-309-0568, or visit phoenixmenscounseling.com.

(From Jewish News of Phoenix, Dec. 12, 2008, Vol, 61, No, 11)

Let’s pick up where we left off: You’ve done all the steps from October’s Part 1 article (”What single guys need to do, but aren’t yet,” Jewish News, Oct. 10), and, like a good soldier, are ready to report back for duty. You’ve created the ideal profile of your fictional woman. Your romantic networking presence has been expanded, and you’ve (hopefully) walked the plank and approached a potential date (or two or three) and gotten a phone number. Kudos!

You’ve got “The Date.” So now what?

First, the use of creativity in planning the date is important. Break the monotony of the traditional dinner-movie combo, and you’ll become most memorable. I wouldn’t suggest planning a Brazilian Carnival on Date 1, as that might frighten her, but picking a unique restaurant should work well. For example, when Leanne and I started dating, I chose Pepin in Old Town Scottsdale. They have flamenco shows you both can enjoy with your sangrias and paella. It’s different and sexy. Mix it up a bit, and she’ll be flattered. Women universally like to be taken on an adventure, and you can achieve this in the comfort of your very own city. Keep it creative yet simple for Date 1.

Next, intuition has to be applied to the date. Men like us have to hone this powerful (and highly underutilized) dating tool. In my former life as a professional dater, I could tell you that the best therapy skills I learned came from dating. Picking up the signs, reading body language, whatever you want to call it - this is information that she is making you privy to. Use your gut to know when you should say something you’ve been waiting to share with her, or when to refrain. Intuitively hone in and discern when she wants more of something, or a little bit less of something. It’s a subtle dance that plays out smoothly if done right.

Expressing genuine interest in her is a top priority. Please don’t get lost in talking about yourself and your wonderfulness. She’ll get it if she’s interested. First, she needs to know you are into her as a person and invested in what she’s saying. Get excited about learning about her and what makes her tick. Share related stories about your experiences that illustrate you as an interesting being, while joining with her. Risk it and tell her about the time where that embarrassing something happened in the fourth grade - she’ll admire your humor, wit, vulnerability and self-confidence. Be an interesting storyteller (again, the adventure idea), and you’ll be good to go.

Alert: Here’s what not to talk about, or the deal breakers: your ex, inappropriate and lavish sexual innuendo, how bad the waitstaff is (or worse, treating them poorly), video games, how much the date you’re on is costing, or rambling monologues on obscure topics. Try to clear yourself of negativity way before the date happens, or that’s what you’ll attract for yourself. Women will sniff out repressed anger and hostility as sure as you are reading this article.

When the match between you and her works, then everything I’ve just described above will go well. If the match doesn’t work, then everything you have just read, bluntly, will probably not work. If there are sparks, then the above steps will work effortlessly and magically. If not, do them anyway, because if it doesn’t work now, it will work in the future. It’s good learning experience. Don’t give up hope, don’t resort to bashing women, and stop swimming in self-pity. The best date will unfold naturally and in its own time.

Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Jewish men. He practices in Phoenix, working with men who want to make their wives and girlfriends happier, and simply be happier themselves, as well as those about to find love. Call 602-309-0568, or visitphoenixmenscounseling.com.