To: Jewish mothers on Mother’s Day

From: Jason Fierstein, Jewish son and former dater

Re: Invitation to let your sons date who they want to date
CC: Frustrated and (still) single Jewish “Meinsteins”

On a Jewish humor Web site, I stumbled upon the concept of a “Meinstein,” which would translate to mean “my son, the genius.” It reminded me of how Jewish mothers, like my own, think the world of their sons. They all genuinely believe in the “Meinstein” quality of their sons, which is awesome. They are devoted to the care and success of their sons to the end of time, and it is so appreciated, as a Jewish son. So on this Mother’s Day, we honor you and are proud to be your Meinstein. But we want some space, please.

I’m keenly aware of the fine line between adoration and suffocation that marks the sometimes unhealthy relationship boundary between a Jewish mother and her son. Long before the concept of “helicopter” parenting, Jewish Mother Syndrome (JMS) was silently crippling hundreds of thousands of desperate Jewish men around the world. My point here is that there is a difference between normal maternal concern and being codependent in a Jewish son’s life, especially in the sacred areas of love and romance.

There are few other realms of a guy’s life more sacred (and thus susceptible to codependency) than dating. The world of women is already so difficult on its own, that we kindly (and lovingly) ask that you refrain from engaging in the following behaviors:

1. Setting us up on dates with women that you have hand-picked from the chavurah (or any other place).
2. Giving aforementioned women our cell-phone numbers without verbal or written consent from us.
3. Calling aforementioned women on the phone to get information from them, such as educational status, relationship history, temple affiliation or the like.
4. Setting up double dates with us (your sons), the aforementioned women, and you and Dad (not cool).
5. Googling or Facebooking the girls we tell you about; we don’t want to start fabricating their names so you won’t do this. They don’t want to be your Facebook friend, trust me.

What we do ask of you, in this Mother’s Day memorandum, are these things instead:

1. Acceptance of who we date, no matter how bad the date or whether you like that person. Let us figure that out on our own, please.
2. Not sharing your disapproval with us without invitation. And no disapproving or overly inquisitive e-mails, texts or Tweets either.
3. Trust that we are grown men capable of picking out dates in a respectable and thoughtful manner. We might even pick someone you approve of.

In conclusion, this Mother’s Day memorandum is to ensure the continued functionality of our family organization. We love you, Jewish moms, and we just need to know you’re there for us - but not there too much. Happy Mother’s Day, and know that your little Meinstein will pick a Mrs. Meinstein sooner or later all on his own.

Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Jewish men and couples. He practices in Phoenix, working with men who want to make their wives and girlfriends happier, and simply be happier themselves, as well as those about to find love. Call 602-309-0568, or visit phoenixmenscounseling.com.

It’s Valentine’s Day. What’s a single guy to do?

When I was single, the holiday reminded me of that experience I had in second grade, where kids would walk around from desk to desk and stuff those small cartoon valentines in all those highly decorative Valentine’s mailboxes. Looking back, I now understand that kids would just write “To: Jason” in the blank field underneath Wonder Woman or Aquaman, wishing me a very generic “Happy Valentine’s Day.” In hindsight, I now recognize that experience as an anonymous one, in spite of the box stuffings. I don’t want you to have to succumb to the same experience of anonymity this year, so here are some ideas to help get you through Valentine’s Day as a single guy.

First, don’t buy into groupthink. Groupthink holds that everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I? And if everyone has a partner, then I should, too. Right? If you’re single, and prone to loneliness, it’s easy to buy into this mentality that everyone is gloriously in love, and you’re the only exception on Earth. The stores suddenly fill with red and pink hearts, and it reminds you that you don’t have that love in your life. Try reframing the experience by thinking about it differently. Saying to yourself “I’m in a love transition in my life right now” may help stave off the incessant voices (e.g., culture, friends and family) that remind you of what you want in your life and don’t immediately have. Don’t buy into the hype. Your time will come.

Next, don’t cast such a wide net. There are plenty of potential partners that you don’t want to date out there. Get selective about who you want to go out with, without being ridiculously close-minded. Be choosy, because you’re worth it. Get in touch with that part of you that is selective, because not everyone you meet will be right for you. Get in touch with the attributes that you want in your date, and you will narrow the field down quite a bit. A wide field of prospective dates, especially on Valentine’s Day, has the potential to feel overwhelming, and can contribute to a sense of hopelessness and loneliness about not having a partner.

Having an active personal life is very important. Try to see “finding the one” as a side project, or as something that is equally weighted with other things going on in your life. Make yourself as fun and interesting as you can, and a potential mate will be very attracted to your independence and confidence. Use the time to brush up on yourself, your hobbies and the things that make you a unique person to know and hang out with. If you prioritize yourself, and get involved in activities and interests that are close to your heart, others will more likely gravitate toward you. You’ll be a person who knows himself and knows what he wants. Women love confident men, and what better way to develop confidence than investing in yourself?

Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC, is a Phoenix counselor for men and couples. Call 602-309-0568 to set up an appointment, or visit phoenixmenscounseling.com for more information. ]]> http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/press/2009/02/valentines-day-and-the-single-guy/feed/ http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/press/2008/12/the-single-guys-playbook-for-success-on-date-night/ http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/press/2008/12/the-single-guys-playbook-for-success-on-date-night/#comments Sat, 27 Dec 2008 12:52:58 +0000 jfierstein http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/press/?p=5 (From Jewish News of Phoenix, Dec. 12, 2008, Vol, 61, No, 11)

Let’s pick up where we left off: You’ve done all the steps from October’s Part 1 article (”What single guys need to do, but aren’t yet,” Jewish News, Oct. 10), and, like a good soldier, are ready to report back for duty. You’ve created the ideal profile of your fictional woman. Your romantic networking presence has been expanded, and you’ve (hopefully) walked the plank and approached a potential date (or two or three) and gotten a phone number. Kudos!

You’ve got “The Date.” So now what?

First, the use of creativity in planning the date is important. Break the monotony of the traditional dinner-movie combo, and you’ll become most memorable. I wouldn’t suggest planning a Brazilian Carnival on Date 1, as that might frighten her, but picking a unique restaurant should work well. For example, when Leanne and I started dating, I chose Pepin in Old Town Scottsdale. They have flamenco shows you both can enjoy with your sangrias and paella. It’s different and sexy. Mix it up a bit, and she’ll be flattered. Women universally like to be taken on an adventure, and you can achieve this in the comfort of your very own city. Keep it creative yet simple for Date 1.

Next, intuition has to be applied to the date. Men like us have to hone this powerful (and highly underutilized) dating tool. In my former life as a professional dater, I could tell you that the best therapy skills I learned came from dating. Picking up the signs, reading body language, whatever you want to call it - this is information that she is making you privy to. Use your gut to know when you should say something you’ve been waiting to share with her, or when to refrain. Intuitively hone in and discern when she wants more of something, or a little bit less of something. It’s a subtle dance that plays out smoothly if done right.

Expressing genuine interest in her is a top priority. Please don’t get lost in talking about yourself and your wonderfulness. She’ll get it if she’s interested. First, she needs to know you are into her as a person and invested in what she’s saying. Get excited about learning about her and what makes her tick. Share related stories about your experiences that illustrate you as an interesting being, while joining with her. Risk it and tell her about the time where that embarrassing something happened in the fourth grade - she’ll admire your humor, wit, vulnerability and self-confidence. Be an interesting storyteller (again, the adventure idea), and you’ll be good to go.

Alert: Here’s what not to talk about, or the deal breakers: your ex, inappropriate and lavish sexual innuendo, how bad the waitstaff is (or worse, treating them poorly), video games, how much the date you’re on is costing, or rambling monologues on obscure topics. Try to clear yourself of negativity way before the date happens, or that’s what you’ll attract for yourself. Women will sniff out repressed anger and hostility as sure as you are reading this article.

When the match between you and her works, then everything I’ve just described above will go well. If the match doesn’t work, then everything you have just read, bluntly, will probably not work. If there are sparks, then the above steps will work effortlessly and magically. If not, do them anyway, because if it doesn’t work now, it will work in the future. It’s good learning experience. Don’t give up hope, don’t resort to bashing women, and stop swimming in self-pity. The best date will unfold naturally and in its own time.

Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Jewish men. He practices in Phoenix, working with men who want to make their wives and girlfriends happier, and simply be happier themselves, as well as those about to find love. Call 602-309-0568, or visitphoenixmenscounseling.com.

As the year comes to a close, many people reflect on the accomplishments they’ve made and the obstacles they’ve overcome. Some feel the pride, gratitude and joy of having a happy family, enjoying a fulfilling career and contributing to society. Others will enthusiastically set goals for years to come. Yet, some may look back and feel tired, out of control, and confused about where to go from here.

While everyone occasionally goes through tough times, chiropractors and other healthcare providers may feel they cannot afford to do so. After all, they chose their profession so they could tirelessly and selflessly give to others. What’s worse, for many, giving doesn’t end in the clinic—their altruistic personalities compel them to take care of others in their personal lives, as well.

“Many of the people who go into the helping professions have been taking care of others since early childhood,” says Terry Eagan, MD, medical director at Moonview Sanctuary, a holistic mental health center in Santa Monica, Calif. “People came to them for support—and they gave it because they had a gift for helping others.”

Over time, however, constant giving backfires. “People in the helping professions often don’t know how not to give—or they give too much, to the point of compromising their personal lives,” says Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, a counselor in Phoenix, Ariz., who has worked with healthcare professionals. By doing so, “they are wearing out their own gift of healing,” he says.

Are You Tired of Giving?

That’s what happened to Dr. Eagan. A psychiatrist in a busy practice who has always enjoyed his work, he started feeling run down, disinterested and irritable. “I dreaded seeing patients, resented the number of hours I worked, and developed a sour attitude,” he says.

Curious about what happened to him, Dr. Eagan started talking to other clinicians and people in helping professions—ministers, teachers and police officers—and found that many could relate to his symptoms. And although he didn’t find much literature on the subject, he realized that he was suffering from “compassion fatigue.”

“Those who provide a compassionate service can begin to take on some emotional residue, such as trauma, high anxiety or difficult life circumstances, from people they work with,” Dr. Eagan explains. Compounding the problem are doctors’ lifestyles—not taking vacations, lacking adequate sleep and exercise, and feeling the pressure to care for larger numbers of patients, especially in uncertain economic times, he adds.

For people who have been accustomed to taking care of others, resentment to being of service is often accompanied by shame and guilt, says Dr. Eagan. The good news is, small changes—such as cutting back on your workload or taking a break—can often bring back the spark. “Even stepping away for a couple of long weekends in a row can help you see the passion reignite,” he says.

Living Under Pressure

For healthcare providers, personal challenges can also spill over into their professional lives. “Problems with a spouse or children, or financial or health concerns can affect our attitude and bedside manner,” says Anahid Derbabian, MA, a nationally certified counselor in private practice in Bloomfield Hills, Mich. “How can we give a sense of hope when we don’t have it ourselves? If a chiropractor is feeling overwhelmed, how well will he or she treat patients and give them options? It is essential to honor and manage personal, health or career challenges separately,” she adds.

The problem is, doctors often feel that they can’t reveal their personal problems or negative feelings, says Randy Kamen-Gredinger, EdD, a psychologist who has been working in the areas of resilience, stress and pain management for more than 30 years. “Everyone holds doctors on a pedestal. They are supposed to be role models—authoritative leaders who have all the answers—and many buy into it, putting themselves under the pressure to find answers that may be impossible to find,” she explains. “The pressure to perform at a very high level all the time” pushes many to abuse alcohol and drugs and resort to other unhealthy ways of copying.

Perpetuating the cycle is often the fear of “compromising their standing in society” by asking for support, as well as “sophisticated defense mechanisms that many healthcare professionals develop,” says Rick Singer, MClinPsyc, a psychotherapist who currently teaches at the International College for the Cayman Islands and who has treated physicians in the past. “Doctors tend to rationalize their feelings and behavior, instead of seeing them as abnormal and seeking help.” For example, he says, healthcare providers may say to themselves that depression is normal for someone who is as busy as they are—or that they need alcohol or drugs as an outlet for their stress.

Feeling Stuck

Even without apparent professional or personal challenges, people can sometimes find themselves “going through the motions,” says Derbabian. “You may be in a successful practice, and your financial situation is stable, but have you created a fulfilling life for yourself?” she says.

Dissatisfaction with close relationships may be one sign of an imbalanced life. “Ask yourself, ‘Do I have strong and positive relationships with people who I care about, trust, who feed me and who I feed emotionally and socially?’” advises Derbabian. Feeling that you are “racing through life” may be another red flag. “Are you experiencing the journey—or are you always trying to arrive at a destination and check it off the list?”

It’s also helpful to ask yourself if your life is consistent with how you envisioned it, she says. “Celebrate the positive things and tend to the ones that are not working. Are there specific actions you can take, new decisions you need to make, or conversations you can have?”

Self-Assessment

Looking for unresolved issues should start with monitoring the current situation, says Alan Allard, MS, a psychotherapist, stress expert and author of Cracking the Stress Code Six Strategies for Thriving Under Pressure and Uncertainty. “Ask yourself, for example, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how good do I feel about how my day has gone?’ Or ‘Has anything happened today that has created stress that I need to be aware of?’ Or ‘Is there anyone around me who is unhappy, frustrated or impatient with me for some reason?’” Allard notes that the last question is especially important because “stresses and challenges will always show in a relationship—with a staff person, family member or patient.”

Dealing with issues may involve setting boundaries, he continues. “If someone has a reasonable complaint, resolve it to the best of your ability. If you find that the complaint is unreasonable, you can still do your best to resolve it, but you may want to explain what you can and cannot do—and then explain the boundaries you set for them.” After resolving the issue to your satisfaction, it’s time to move on—even though the other person may not be completely satisfied, he says.

Sometimes, though, the problem may be ongoing. For example, a spouse, colleague or friend may point out that your relationship is becoming a problem because you are working too many hours and not getting home to see your children, or suspect that you suffer from psychosomatic illness or stress, says Fierstein.

To put things in perspective, ask yourself, “Am I feeling physically and emotionally in control of my life right now? Am I feeling different than I usually am?” says Joshua C. Klapow, PhD, a clinical health psychologist and associate professor at the School of Public Health, University of Alabama at Birmingham (www.drjoshk.com). Experiencing difficulty sleeping and regulating emotions, as well as some physical symptoms—fatigue, headaches, stomachaches, skin problems or lack of energy—may point to issues that require professional help, he says.

“If your ability to function is becoming impaired, get help,” Dr. Klapow continues. “Just as you, as a chiropractor, have a confidential relationship with patients, the job of mental health professionals is to protect our relationship with patients. Confidentially is in our ethics and legal standards—we treat high-profile patients almost every day.” Explain before the appointment who you are, the nature of your profession, and discuss any concerns you have about confidentiality and anonymity with the provider, he suggests.

Before unresolved issues escalate, “it’s much better to seek the help when your colleague or family member points something out,” says Singer, who has treated healthcare providers with addictions referred to him through a mandatory state physician referral program because their colleagues reported their problems. While the program helps physicians recover and get back to practice, it stays on the patient’s record, he says.

Seeking Support

Instead of isolating yourself—which people tend to do when they are feeling unhappy, dissatisfied or going through difficult times—reconnect with people who are “supporting, loving, and who want to see you happy and fulfilled,” Derbabian says.

Those dealing with divorce or grief should “seek out counseling or have a social support group of positive friends and family who can be there to listen, non-judgmentally, without injecting their own opinions and views,” says Fierstein. “If you don’t ask for help, grief can become a real problem, leading to sustained anger, anxiety, fatigue and helplessness, and you can end up infecting the people you are trying to help.”

In addition, remember that a life change is a process. “Telling yourself, ‘I should be over this by now’ will only compound the problem. Get feedback from someone you trust, someone who can say, ‘You are really doing pretty well, but you need to be patient,’”Allard says. Self-care is also key. “Discover what will help you in the healing process, such as getting professional assistance, journaling, exercise and nutrition, or attending to your social needs,” he says.