A lot of the time, we lose valuable experiences that take place in the present moment because we are busy “living” our lives in our heads, either lost in the memories of the past, or fantasizing about the future, where life will be better. It’s difficult to stay planted in the present moment, because that is where our minds don’t want to stay.

Men tend to avoid the experience of their emotions and feelings by living in the past or the future, and have a difficult time dealing with the present moment. Some men avoid their present moment experience by staying in their heads all of the time, and “thinking too much.” Some just avoid the present moment by not having their experience of anger, of pain, of sadness, or of grief. The failure to attend to these crucial experiences means that we have to find surrogate places to be. 

Growing up, many of us learned to stuff our emotions or feelings, and started creating a life that avoided the pain of the present moment. It was too hard then, and it’s too hard now. We build lives on top of these individual experiences of pain, fear and sadness, and then lament when our problems are getting the best of us. We forget that we are the ones that created a lot of the problems that we experience, because it’s been too long and our problems have been embedded in our lives for as long as we can remember.

Learning to be in the present moment is truly living our lives, and not living in the false realities of the past and future. It is difficult for people to do this type of living, especially when there are many places inside of us that are too scary to revisit.

Meditation, yoga, therapy, and other vehicles of mindfulness are all ways to get back into the beauty of the present moment. Deep breathing is also a practice into accessing the present moment. 

Learning to have our feelings and experiences, and then communicating them to the ones we love is a form of acceptance of the present moment. We are truly living our lives when we do this.

(This article I wrote also appears in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix, October 10th edition)

Every good general has a battle plan, and, if you’re like my former self, you’ve spent enough time alone waiting for the right date to come around. My friend Jay used to call me the hardest-working dater he knew. (Now I have bestowed that title on him.)

Although I really wasn’t sure how to feel about that honor, I did learn volumes about the dating process, and about myself, in the experiences that I had before I found success. Although there are forces that are sometimes beyond our control (the mysterious and cosmic powers of chemistry, for example), there are things that you can do in preparation for getting a date to improve your chances of finding the partner that you want.

What is essential to consider is this: Do you know exactly who you are looking for? Could you write a fictional profile of the woman that you are looking for, down to the name of her dog and her favorite flavor of ice cream? This may seem extreme, but until you have honed and refined your ideal mate, you widen the gap and allow for a lot of ambiguity and indecision to flow in. What you’re doing is creating the idea of your mate in your mind. Take some time to consider this invitation to create a profile of the woman you want. Identify her personality traits, values, physical features, professional aspirations and hobbies or interests - everything that you can think of. I’ll bet that when you put your ideas on paper, you’ll find out much more than you thought you would, and the results may surprise you.

Second, how is your networking “presence”? Do you set yourself up to meet as many ideal women as you can? The Internet - whether that’s JDate, Match.com or any other Web site - can be a great tool, but if that’s the only place you’re looking, you’re limiting yourself. Once you have done the first step of writing your profile, you’ll familiarize yourself with the places and settings where your ideal date will be, whether that’s at a film club, at Papago Park doing some hiking or at a yoga class. (Hint: Guys, go do yoga right now - if you’re not already. You’ll get a great workout, find tranquillity and meet women all at once).

Third, and this is important because it’s the hardest, how will you convey interest in her when you meet her socially? Will you walk the plank and take the risk of approaching her when you find her?

I will share with you my philosophy about kamikaze dating: Act fearless and summon the strength to go over to her even though your fear tells you not to (the girls without the wedding bands, of course). Your kamikaze mantra will become this: “There is nothing that I can say or do now that will kill me,” to borrow from Friedrich Nietzsche.

Unless you are a total bumbling idiot and drool or speak incoherently, she will appreciate your summoning the strength to go over to her, even if she doesn’t show interest back. Let me ask you this way: Do you want to live with the regret of not approaching her and the fantasy of “what if it did happen?” What could you be missing out on because you colluded with the fear inside of yourself instead of taking the risk?

For those less brazen souls, be everywhere you can where there is the possibility of meeting someone special. Don’t be shy if you really want it, and if you want it, you need to place yourself where you have better odds. Being at home obviously lowers the odds quite a bit more than being out where your date will be.

Next article, we’ll talk about how to create success while on “The Date” itself, and how to get her interested in you and on your side in no time. Stay tuned.

I was flipping through a magazine at the barbershop earlier today, and came across a disturbing idea. The article identifies the most popular men’s stress inducers, and the most popular stress relievers (source: Yankelovich Health and Wellness Study, 2006, in Best Life magazine, September, 2008)

Topping the inducers: planning one’s financial future, job/career, keeping family safe, health care costs. Interestingly, the state of your health came in third from last place, of a total of 12 inducers.

High on the relievers: taking a mental break, fun and laughter, exercise, sex, eating, tippling, smoking and… therapy, ranking a dead last of 12 relievers.

Why is this? Therapy is less important to men than smoking, eating, or tippling (whatever that is). What does this exactly say about us as men? I know it’s a tough economy, but I am managing to stay working in my practice with a large clientele of men. Does this reflect something about our culture stigmatizing counseling for men? Do men underreport their experiences in counseling?

Now, I am a realist. I get that counseling won’t be number one, especially when I am competing with sex, eating and prescription drugs. But, I think that this is a loaded idea, one that says something about either the underreporting of men seeking counseling or therapy, or that is is still seen as a less important to a man’s overall well being.

I don’t think counseling is the be-all, end-all of stress management. Stress management is a holistic concept, one that incorporates a wide variety of lifestyle choices that include counseling. 

Here’s some stress reliever ideas for those guys out there in the study who haven’t sought out counseling (by Phoenix, Arizona’s Counselor for Men):

• Exercise – exercise is an antidepressant, and can get your endorphins shaking for good feeling
• Communicate – for guys that don’t know how, this is a big source of stress. Not knowing how to do this in the right way can build up inside, and turn into physical pain, anger and tension.
• Watch the alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and sugar intake – all of these foods can promote stress and leave you tired, edgy or depleted. They all affect your mental well-being.
• Yoga – a lot of guys are doing this now, and it’s not as weird for guys to do this as it might have been once. The antidepressant GABA is activated during yoga. It’s great for tension and stress relief, and it’ll give your overactive mind a rest for once. Plus, if you are a single guy, there is ample opportunity to meet women (after class, of course).