I’m aware of this contingent of men who are in marriages and who are having feelings for other men, or who are interested in exploring same-sex relationships, whether that’s an emotional relationship with another man, a sexual relationship or a full-out committed relationship.

The issues becomes twofold: first, these men need to deal with the emotional confusion that comes with being attracted to another man, yet feeling ashamed or resistant to admitting that to themselves, let alone their wives or girlfriends. Second, the issue of infidelity is just as pertinent to the discussion, as many times, women end up discovering their guy’s penchant for other men in an inadvertent way – maybe from visited web sites, or from phone calls, or maybe from gay-related materials (such as porn or community magazines) that they find there guy to have brought home.

These issues can be explored in counseling, but it’s important to differentiate the two issues, and understand that they are linked. To differentiate them is to peel them away from one another, as hard as this may be, because the confusion of lumping them together creates more pain, confusion and reactivity in both partners.

It can be extraordinarily difficult for straight men to come to admit that they have strong feelings for other men (whether those are emotional or sexual feelings), as well as admit to themselves that they have possibly wasted time living with their wife of x years, and experiencing the guilt that comes from not being honest about who they are to themselves or their wife.The fear of admitting to themselves their own truth is sometimes debilitating, especially when these guys fear that they will lose their whole lives as they know it.

On this Father’s Day, what will you to to acknowledge the man that brought you into this Earth, and who showed you the ropes about how to be the good guy you’ve grown into? Remember your first little league game where he cheered you on from the stands? How about that first bike ride? Maybe you remember the fumbled and universally awkward sex talk from Dear Old Dad (D.O.D.)

It’s so rare for sons to have that “heart” conversation with their Dads, because in our culture, “it’s just something that guys don’t do.” It’s hard for guys to connect with their fathers through an emotional connection. It’s usually through activity, or sport, or some shared hobby or activity, that dads and sons can meet, connect, and come together.

So, on this Father’s Day, I challenge you to come together and connect with your Dad. Remind him how great of a guy he is, and how much he has given to you over the years. Say it in words or actions, not in another electronic gadget that he may not really need anyways. Say it in a way that he’ll understand. You may have negative feelings towards D.O.D., but can you push them aside (or deal with them) for trying to make a connection with him on this special day.

In addition, I also see Father’s Day as a kind of “Fathering Day,” where the things that dads aren’t quite able to give their sons – whatever that may be for you – you learn to give to yourself. It’s kind of a “self-fathering”: giving to yourself what you needed, and didn’t get, from your dad.

Maybe it’s money management. Maybe it’s the art of communication. Maybe it’s learning about different relationship survival skills. Good old dad may be the greatest, but there may be some things that he didn’t pass down to you that you needed to thrive in some of your relationships, or things that you actually needed to unlearn.

“Fathering Day” is helping yourself fill in the gaps to help yourself thrive in the places where Dad might not have been able to help you. It’s honoring what you have been given from him, and making adjustments to help you thrive and succeed on top of what you’ve already got.

Remember how great your “A-Game” once was? Remember how you felt in control and really enjoyed what you were doing, whether in work or in your personal life? Yeah, we’re talking about that quality of life were you’ve achieved that sense of mastery, enjoyment and free flow, where everything seems to just line up for you – that effortless zone of achievement and happiness that makes it all happen the way it should happen.

For a lot of guys, before they know it, they’ve lost their game. Or maybe they’ve never had it. Whatever the case, bringing your “A-Game” back to your life will help drive you past feeling unmotivated and uninspired by your life. Life is way too short for a “B-Game.”

Bringing your “A-Game” back is about facing what needs to be faced in your life. It’s about summoning up the strength to burn out the barriers that are right in front of you that prevent your forward motion. It’s about taking responsibility for your self, your success and your own happiness, and taking the actions needed to optimize yourself, your life and your relationships.

Consider these possible barriers to losing your “A-Game”:

• Losing focus on what your values or goals are
• Losing your sense of self – “Who am I anymore?” (e.g. the midlife – or quarterlife – crisis)
• Avoiding anger or other negative feelings that, if dealt with, can push you through back to playing ball on the “A-Game” field
• You’ve been job hopping, unsatisfied by your work, or unstimulated by what you’re doing to earn money
• You feel blue, de-energized, lazy or shiftless a lot
• You’re angry, or just plain irritable, most of the time with others who don’t deserve to get it from you
• You are dwelling in the “it sucks to be me” state, and are pissed when others are enjoying themselves.

Setting an action plan for Bringing Your “A-Game” Back is important. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Where do I really want to be in my life? In my job? In my health? In my marriage or relationship?
2. Be specific: what does that look like? Write down the images, thoughts, ideas or draw pictures/make a collage about what that looks like in your head. Communicate it to yourself before you can clearly communicate it with anyone else, including your partner.
3. Identify the barriers to those changes: stress? depression? money? fear? lack of support from others? There are always barriers, so becoming clear on those things are important, as they tend to be a bit out of our daily consciousness.
4. Design ways to overcome those barriers: how will you figure out what it will take to conquer those things – do you need exercise? More money? More time? More communication from someone? Counseling? Time management? It could be more than one of these things you need.
5. Rank and prioritize those things that need your attention and resources. Set a reasonable time frame in which to chunk off small “baby step” goals, and then commit to the small goals every so often – once or twice a week, once a month. Remember: achieving the smaller goals, en route to the larger one, is the path to success, not chewing off a huge goal and then disappointing yourself.

Bringing your “A-Game” back will take some time, but with effort, diligence, patience and foresight, you’ll be getting back to the happy flow of your life that you’ve been missing all this time.

I counsel both men and women who are struggling in their lives and relationships, but my interest and specialty is working with men who need help. You know the guy – he’s too proud to pull over for directions (which isn’t this guy), too “strong” to admit anything that will wound his ego or his pride, has a tough time admitting responsibility for the things that he has done to negatively affect his relationship. I work with all of that.

A lot of guys I work with are guys that are “too nice”. Some people go so far as to call these guys “doormats”, but doormats are inanimate. “Nice guys” are just passive, and they aren;t used to looking out for their own needs. They can’t say ‘no’ and they sweep their own needs under the rug because they’re too afraid of actually speaking up for fear that they’ll get swatted down – especially by their woman. These guys live in fear and silence, and can be powderkegs waiting to explode.

On the flipside, I also work with alpha males, guys who are the power drivers in their lives and relationships. Some of these guys go so far as to attract the label “narcissist”, but we’ll reserve that for some of this group. Sometimes, guys in this group, have a hard time with control issues in their marriage or relationship, or even on the job for that matter. They are consumed with winning, which, as we know, comes at a cost either in the breakdown of a marriage, total stress burnout, neglect of relationships with their kids or a host of other problemss and fissures in their life. They may be chronically unhappy, never enjoying the spoils of their victories and fruits of their labor. Is this you?

But, generally, I work everyday with guys who these days are worried about their jobs, preoccupied with wanting their wives to love them and not be mad at them, suffering from emotional withdrawal, and generally want to be free of the problems that brought them in. They want successful relationships, as women do, and they want to be able to connect with their women they way that their women connect with their man. We want what you want!

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One of the biggest issues that I work with is a guy’s simple inability to communicate his needs and feelings. It’s this lack of ability to communicate that creates seismic tensions in his marriage or relationship.

Guys are just generally less attuned to their feelings, and couldn’t possibly access their needs if their life depended on it, right? No so much. Guys are very much emotionally-based, as their women are, and need the same satisfaction of getting those emotions accessed and released as their ladies do. The problem has many origins and explanations, and to understand some of them, we look to understanding one simple fact.

A lot of the time, guys don’t have the tools to access their emotions and needs, and yet their women have a certain expectation that they should. This expectation wasn’t there 50 years ago, as society and culture shifted its focused towards the individual, self-expression and liberation in the 1960′s in America.

On top of that, guys have fathers that haven’t been able to teach them these critical tools. A lot of the time, their fathers behaved in the same ways that they did, although it’s harder to get away with it these days because of social pressures and expectations of men in relationships that we’re there back in the 1950′s.

What guys do if to suffer in silence, resort to pornography or alcohol, seek out friends whose advice is often not helpful (the friends are often struggling just as much as the guys themselves), or avoid conflict or adverse situations that would elicit their true feelings, which are often just “too difficult to deal with.”

What might help in relationships is to create a space to let those needs and feelings be more well known. Too often, we, as partners, get caught up in our reactivity patterns and can’t really listen to what is happening with our mate. We react to assumptions and expectations that our guy “read our minds” (read: women) and that “they should know what I need.” This type of false thinking contributes to the very communication problems that got us here in the first place.

Creating a space for your guy to communicate, or at least not react and avoid you, is key. Understanding what he is needing – straight from his mouth – is essential in helping your relationship along, because what you think he needs, and what he thinks he needs, are often two very different things. And not making the assumptions about where he is coming from is very important, because you may be reacting to him through your own assumptions. And that will make it worse.

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The biggest reason to work with a male relationship counselor (i.e. me) is because men often feel more comfortable talking with a guy. It’s true. I think that men feel like they have an alliance, although the reality is that counselors are neutral, shouldn’t take sides and should communicate impartiality in working with the couple.

Men often assume that female therapists are there to gang up on them, and that they’ll have two women in the same room barking at him. I understand the fear there for guys.As it happens, I get a lot of women calling me because I work with couples, and because they think two things: that a guy will indeed feel “safer”, but also because they will have a better chance of getting their guy into counseling at all. A large number of wives, girlfriends and women who care about their guys are the ones that initiate counseling.

Counseling is still seen as a self-improvement vehicle, and something that men just don’t do. We don’t help ourselves, and we surely don’t go to counseling. Part of my mission – personal and business – is to break that cultural stigma or messaging. It’s got truth to it, but it’s not totally true.

For women, the golden benefit of having a male relationship or marriage counselor is being able to work through the issues from a guy’s perspective. I have found that women are much more likely to empathize with men with they hear it from a guy counselor (your truly), and then they are more ready and able to hear, translate and assimilate what is going on for their guy. It’s very effective, because I am helping the guy to communicate to his wife in a way that only another guy can.

If you’re considering marriage or couples counseling in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, or anywhere in the Valley, consider the benefits of working with a male relationship counselor for those reasons I wrote about. I think you might find added value to the experience, and it’ll help your marriage or relationship a lot more than you might have expected.

by Morgan Neill
CNN

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) — They are young, earn little and spend little, and take a keen interest in fashion and personal appearance — meet the “herbivore men” of Japan.

Former CNN intern Junichiro Hori is a self-described ‘herbivore.’

Author and pop culture columnist Maki Fukasawa coined the term in 2006 in a series of articles on marketing to a younger generation of Japanese men. She used it to describe some men who she said were changing the country’s ideas about just what is — and isn’t — masculine.

“In Japan, sex is translated as ‘relationship in flesh,’” she said, “so I named those boys ‘herbivorous boys’ since they are not interested in flesh.”

Typically, “herbivore men” are in their 20s and 30s, and believe that friendship without sex can exist between men and women, Fukasawa said.

The term has become a buzzword in Japan. Many people in Tokyo’s Harajuku neighborhood were familiar with “herbivore men” — and had opinions about them.

Shigeyuki Nagayama said such men were not eager to find girlfriends and tend to be clumsy in love, and he admitted he seemed to fit the mold himself.

“My father always asks me if I got a girlfriend. He tells me I’m no good because I can’t get a girlfriend.”

Midori Saida, a 24-year-old woman sporting oversized aviators and her dyed brown hair in long ringlets, said “herbivore men” were “flaky and weak.”

“We like manly men,” she said. “We are not interested in those boys — at all.”

Takahito Kaji, 21, said he has been told he is “totally herbivorous.”

“Herbivorous boys are fragile, do not have a stocky body — skinny.”

Fukasawa said Japanese men from the baby boomer generation were typically aggressive and proactive when it came to romance and sex. But as a result of growing up during Japan’s troubled economy in the 1990s, their children’s generation was not as assertive and goal-oriented. Their outlook came, in part, from seeing their fathers’ model of masculinity falter even as Japanese women gained more lifestyle options.

Former CNN intern Junichiro Hori, a self-described herbivore, said the idea goes beyond looks and attitudes toward sex.

“Some guys still try to be manly and try to be like strong and stuff, but you know personally I’m not afraid to show my vulnerability because being vulnerable or being sensitive is not a weakness.”

Older generations of Japanese men are not happy about the changes. At a bar frequented by businessmen after work, one man said: “You need to be carnivorous when you make decisions in your life. You should be proactive, not passive.”

Fukasawa said the group does not care so much about making money — a quality tied to the fact that there are fewer jobs available during the current global economic recession.

Japan’s economy recently saw its largest-ever recorded contraction and has shrunk for four straight quarters. Blue chip companies Sony, Panasonic, Toyota and Nissan all reported losses in May, and most are forecasting the same for the current fiscal year. Though still low by international standards, Japan’s reported 5 percent unemployment is the highest since 2003.

Hori agreed economics has played a role. When he finished university, “a lot of my friends were trying to work for a big company that pays well and I wasn’t interested in that. I am kind of struggling financially and my father is not very happy about it,” he said.

Fukasawa estimated some 20 percent of men are what she would call “herbivorous” and said their attitudes were influencing others. Indeed, she said, it was a return to the norm for Japanese men, rather than a departure.

“It was after World War II and the post-war economic growth that Japanese men gained the reputation as a sex animal through the competition with the West. Looking back beyond that time, older literature talks a lot about men with the kind of character we see in the herbivorous boys.”

Will these men simply grow out of this? Fukasawa said it was anyone’s guess.

Some of them may, but Japan’s image of masculinity is nonetheless changing.

“The men in dark suits are changing, too,” she said. “Today’s young people in dark suits are different from the baby boomers in dark suits. They are evolving, too.”

One of the hardest parts about marriage is that needs and feelings get repressed and obscured, and then the love seems to fade. When we hold onto anger and frustration, those experiences predominate our minds and hearts, and we lose the tenderness and the openness that we need to breathe life into the relationship or marriage.

Through our defensiveness, we protect our egos as to not expose them to the “relationship elements” of criticism, negativity, harsh words and perceived aggression. It’s hard, especially for men, to know how to function with their wives and girlfriends when they’re not playing those (unconscious) interpersonal games. We spend so much time and energy upholding these fragile egos, that it’s so difficult to be in the present moment, where true change and growth can happen.

To be able to let those defenses down, communication can truly start to rev its engines. When we can stop and listen to our mate, really sit back and take in what they are saying to us, then we can start to open and accommodate their needs. We can temporarily push aside our own needs to the empathic fulfillment of the other, which is where true relationship lies. We “relate” instead of “defend,” which is ultimately not about exchange but about protection.

Becoming aware of the wounds we carry, which precede our current relationship, and learning how to understand how those wounds guide our current behavior is critical to our success as good relationship partners. Understanding that our partner, in many ways, is a mirror to us, someone who reflects the “unfinished business” that we are currently still struggling with. Translate: we still have work that we need to do, and if we can see our partner as the person closest to us that can reflect all that back to us, and we’re open to it, then we can change through our relationship. It’s conscious relationship building, which creates better and happier relationships.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Jason Fierstein
602-309-0568
jfierstein@mac.com

May 28, 2009

The ‘Joe Six Pack’: Results-Oriented Counseling for Gun-Shy Guys

Phoenix -  Some guys complain that counseling drags on and on, without hope or help – “Joe Six Pack” aims to do something different. Jason Fierstein, Counselor for Men, is pleased to announce the “Joe Six Pack” counseling package this month for men seeking help with their wives and their lives. This results-oriented bundle helps make counseling more accessible for gun shy guys who know they have to take the first step to get help, but don’t.

“I have been seeing counselors for years and you were able to help resolve my issue in only six weeks. I will be forever grateful for that. You did in only a few weeks what no one else could do in years of therapy,” said David H., Phoenix, of the counseling package.*

The “Joe Six-Pack” Special Counseling Package includes the following:
- Six-pack of individual counseling sessions, including first intake session
- Six individualized progress checks every session
- Two complimentary 20-minute phone or Skype “tune-up” sessions
- “The Guy’s Airbag: A Relationship Crash Course” interactive cd- a $15 bonus
- $100 off standard counseling rates – a great deal!

As “the man that men will talk to,” Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, has made counseling accessible for men who wouldn’t otherwise commit. In his private practice, Jason has been counseling men (and the women who love them) who are seeking happier and more fulfilling relationships with their partner. His office is located at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix, near Sky Harbor International Airport. For more information about Jason Fierstein and his counseling services, call 602.309.0568 or visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com.

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*Counseling success is based on individual progress, and results may vary

They may not have fangs and live in coffins, but you know the type: those people who, when you walk away from a conversation with, it leaves you feelings drained, depleted and angry – almost like you had the blood sucked out from you. These so-called “emotional vampires” are there to instictually stun you, drain your essence and leave your carcass in their wake.

What to do? How to fend yourself? It takes a little more creativity than just wrapping a garlic bulb necklace around your neck, so let’s talk about what to do.

It all kind of depends on the type of a relationship. Emotional vampries can range from your social vampire at a party, to the best friend vampire who drains you over the course of years. Maybe you know both types, and maybe you fall prey in both ways.

Learning to disengage from the person, and to say ‘no’ is the first step. There are classy ways of making yourself “extinct”, especially at parties. A quick excuse, or the old “pick and roll” (finding another victim, introducing them to your new vampire acquaintance, and then sliding out of the way) will work at a party.Kindly (and gently) stepping out of a conversation with that person, as to not hut their feelings, yet keep you protected behind your forcefield, is essential to taking care of yourself.

On the other hand, having a close friend who is avmpire is trickier. I would suggest that you have an honest conversation about your feelings, and admit to them that you feel invisible, drained and unimportant when you talk with them won’t hurt anybody. Being able to create airtime for yourself is taking care of yourself, and pushing back against the torrent of words is tricky but not impossible. Also, setting boundaries about what is talked about in conversation is important: telling your friend that you don’t want to talk about a certain topic anymore, or that you feeling uncomfortable or are confused about what they want from you, are good segways to changing the conversation.

These are quick fixes, but standing up for yourself and for getting what you want take some time. Be patient with yourself, try and try again, and know that you can’t count on people changing – you can just change your own perspective and how your engage with that person.