As I do at the end of every year (and the beginning of every new year), I think about why I do this work in the first place. I ask myself, “How can I best serve the men in my community?” or “What is it that I think men need most in my community?” 

Counseling for men developed this past year after I did some soul searching, and figured out that to sustain a practice and myself over the long term in counseling, I needed to work with men because I enjoyed it so much. I found that a lot of the issues that I have worked through personally come up with men all the time. I wanted to dedicate my practice to working with guys who are struggling the same way I did in my past, and help them to find their voice and change their lives, whether it be to find a relationship that is good for them, to reduce stress in their lives, to find meaningful work, to access their emotions better or to have deeper and more intimate relationships with their partners, wives or girlfriends.

In some ways, I see that there are a lot of expectations on men to succeed in parts of their lives that they have not been able to be successful with, i.e. emotional intelligence and intimacy. I think that, compared to 50 years ago, the expectations of a mate have changed, and men are expected to do so much more. Just pick up any womens’ magazine and see what they are saying. Culture states that men are expected to be both the breadwinner and the heart opener. It’s hard to do both.
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The things that make us the men that we are are largely attributable to the relationships that we have with our fathers. Our intimate relationships, in some ways, are also results of the things that we learn from how to be in the world from our fathers, too. 

Too many men simply cannot be the fathers that they should to their sons, because they never got the right role modeling. Men go on to have imperfect relationships, and don’t know how to be effective intimate partners to their wives and girlfriends. Often times, it’s a combination of two problems.

First, men learn how to be emotionally withdrawn from their women. They learn, over time from the environment they grew up in, to shut down, stay in their heads and generally not be present to their feelings. This is the nucleus of the problem.

Second, as children we model behavioral patterns from our parents. As boys, we model the ways of being in a relationship from our fathers (and mothers). Many times, our fathers never got it right, so we simply take from them what we see, because unconsciously, if we do what they did, we just might get our needs met after all. This is child’s logic, and somewhere down the road, we fail to drop those tools when they don’t work for us anymore. As kids, they might have had some basic effectiveness. But as adults, we continue to use outdated tools to create similarly neurotic and ineffective relationships today.

The key is to understand these behavioral patterns, and the emotions that we avoid buried underneath. In seeing these, often for the first time, and experiencing them in the present moment unconditionally, they begin to transform themselves and set us free from the patterns that keep us stuck in conflict and unsatisfying relationships. We can work towards freedom from these blocks if we can first see them. Our fathers might not have been able to do it for themselves, but we can for ourselves.

I was working with a client, reminding myself that the way in which we recreate our own bad relationships leads us into trouble every time. Whether we are in a relationship, between relationships, or eternally single, I think that we recreate similar patterns with different partners or mates, that keep us stuck and recreating the same dysfunction over and over again.

Whether its that we are so committed to chasing a fantasy in our minds, that has little basis in relationship reality, or are so deeply embedded in our fear and insecurity, the power of the past keeps us very much stuck in the present. The problems within our current relationship come to a head, and then we seek out a way to feel better or reduce the pain, sometimes through harmful means such as infidelity, alcohol, pornography, workaholism, gambling, or any number of other outlets. The fact is that we can’t run from the unconscious patterns that we recreate. Only by giving these patterns attention, can we begin to become aware of them and stop insanely perpetuating this madness. 

Looking into the past to see how we have behaved or interacted with former partners, or even a parent for that matter, begin to shed light on the patterns that we currently create. Beginning to become aware and take responsibility for those behavioral patterns is a first step, and through therapy, those patterns will rise to surface and, with work, can be transformed so that energy is freed up for other pursuits. I think that if you could stop fighting with your partner, especially over the same issue time and time again, that you would choose that, and choose more peace in your home. 

We need to start to take a bird’s eye view of our lives, especially in the realm of relationships. If we are controlling, we need to own up to that. If we are based in fear and scared to death that our partner will leave us for someone else, it’s that place that we need to look into. Those things don’t go away, but only accumulate more strength the more they are pushed aside and neglected. I believe it’s easier to commit to blaming the other partner or avoiding things with one of the addictions noted above, but the hard part is to become aware that we have a role in our suffering, find help and start to become aware and take responsibility for changing our situation, our relationships, and our lives.