One of the biggest problems couples face is not talking too little, but talking too much. Fighting and conflict result in talking more than need be, and couples fall into this trap because they say too much to each other. They bark, groan and sulk about little things – from laundry to bill paying to cooking – and this adds to the cumulative effect of relationship conflict.

We say too much. We say things we don’t mean. We put our foot in our mouth, and then regret that we said anything at all. We lose ourselves in the angry reactivity of the moment, and say things we wouldn’t normally have said in a cooler state.

Appreciating this maxim – less is more – and applying it to relationship communication is essential. Chances of conflict minimization increase when the “less is more” concept is applied. Talking less equals more of an opportunity to listen, or at least not say as much. Watching our reactive selves through detached (not aloof) mindfulness is better that losing ourselves in our reactive minds, which want to keep the fight going and say things that will will the power struggle. This just doesn’t work.

Couples who can learn to say less, while not avoiding or isolating from each other, and learn to make their fights and conflicts more efficient, can find newfound success and greater marriage happiness. Learning to speak directly from our feelings and needs, instead of attacking, criticizing, and playing the power games, we can learn to be more efficient in our words and getting our point across much more efficiently to our partner. Learning to develop these qualities is a must for couples seeking to stave off more conflict; couples counseling or marriage counseling provides a third-party and a neutral environment to develop those skills to better a marriage or relationship.

Control is such a basic and fundamental issue underlying men’s behavior, especially within the context of a relationship. I often hear women complaining that they feel controlled by their man’s behavior, and end up reacting against this perceived control. Men often times don’t know what they are doing, and have no ide nor desire to control their women. At least that’s what they say.

Control issues can rear their ugly heads in relationships, and cause a lot of destruction. It defines a relationship in terms of a power imbalance, and activities and interactions then become a sort of power currency between mates. I don’t know too many men that would readily or easily admit that they have control issues, let alone start to communicate about them in their relationship. Saying “I feel helpless or out of control” is a lot less harmful to the communication and to their spouses than is trying to control someone or their behavior overtly. It’s difficult to take ownership or responsibility for wanting to control someone or someone’s behavior that is somehow unacceptable to the controlling person.

Control issues within a relationship are subtle, and I think that they underlie other types of problems in a marriage or a relationship, and can manifest themselves in different ways, such as jealousy, anger, compulsiveness, rage, etc. 

To start to have an honest conversation about control is to start to depressurize it, and to stop letting it affect your relationship in the subtle and myriad ways that it does.

Have that sense of working too hard to make somebody else happy? Is that somebody your partner, girlfriend, or wife? It’s tough to decide on when you are at the point of working just a little too hard or two much to meet her expectations of you, as a boyfriend or husband.

Sure, there is work to any relationship. Ideally, you are able to meet as many of her needs as you can, and there will be some needs you simply cannot meet. But, are you feeling judged and criticized for underperforming? Does she complain that “you don’t love me?” or continue to remind you what you’re not doing for her? Do you numb out, or avoid hearing what she’s saying? Am I making any sense at all?

Deep listening is so important, as is a willingness to change and start to both understand and meet the needs that she is asking of you. It’s hard to listen when you feel defensive, and that happens when you feel criticised, belittled or generally upset. The difficulty lies in listening, because it’s probably true that you’re angry, disconnected, and otherwise unwilling or able to meet her needs and give her what she is looking for from you. The distance gets wider, and she may not realize that her words are pushing you further away from her, which is creating more of the original problem. The issues are snowballing.

So, good communication, listening attentively and deeply, and becoming crystal clear about what both people’s needs and feelings are (and how they can be met – e.g. through a hug, kind words, etc.) are critical elements of success in bridging the gap between the two of you. Ironically, its the verbal assaults, criticizing and name calling that creates more of the same problem.

(This is an MSN article from “The Nest” That I found online. I don’t post too many articles on these types of things, but what chaps my hide is that these articles continue to push stereotypes about men and how we supposedly all live, in this case like slobs. What do you think? Do you see where I am getting at? Comments??)

My husband drives me crazy. He’s a complete slob; I’m a neat freak. I’ve brought my issue up to a few different people — my mom, my sister, and my frenemy — in a desperate search for sage advice or some masterful man-ipulation. Each of my mentors employs a different tactic, but who knows best? My mom always preaches, “Oh, just let it go.” My sister (who’s a women’s mag junkie) says to trick him into doing his fair share. And my frenemy swears by the sex strike. Frustrated and hopeless, I set out to put each theory to the test.

Tactic 1: Suck It Up
Expert 1: Mom — happily married for more than 40 years
The Plan: After 40 years, my mom must know how to make a relationship work. When I complain to her about my SH (sloppy husband), she says that if something really bothers me I should just take care of it myself. And, with a slap in the face to women’s lib, she always adds, “You know how men are.” Yeah, I do: sloppy.

This do-it-myself tactic seemed too ’50s for my taste, but I gave it a shot. Is the answer simply doing stuff that I don’t mind? Or do I need more than that from my husband? For three days, I spent every moment taking out trash, Windexing the coffee table, hanging up his suits…you get the point. Did I mention that I also have a full-time job?

“Is the answer simply doing stuff that I don’t mind? Or do I need more than that from my husband?”

The results: The house was spotless, but I felt glum. I’m his wife, not his slave. It occurred to me that what works for my mom isn’t going to work for me. Times have changed. She got married in the ’60s and has never worked. My marriage is more modern with the two of us trying to be equal partners. I move to plan B immediately.

Tactic 2: Trick Him
Expert 2: My sister — happily married for seven years
The Plan: My sister boasts about her ability to make a marriage work. I took her advice and decided to cease cleaning up. Note to self: Don’t tell my guinea pig/husband what I’m up to.

For an entire weekend I just let the mess happen. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. The key was resetting my expectations for how neat or sloppy our home should be. The lazy thing was going so well, I let it spill into Monday and even invited a friend over. I didn’t worry about the mess (especially because my buddy was in on the plan). When my husband got home from work, my friend was on her way out. The door was barely shut when he screamed, “I can’t believe you’d have someone over when the apartment looks like this!” I shrugged my shoulders and responded, “It looks fine to me.” And he frantically began putting away all his junk and asking me which cleanser works best on the coffee table. “Windex,” I replied with a sly smile.

The results: Victory was mine, but it was bittersweet. Sad but true, being passive aggressive in a marriage works. But despite having a fantastic flat, I felt pretty lousy. I’m not so sure I want to be the kind of woman who manipulates her husband.

“Sad but true, being passive aggressive in a marriage works.”

Tactic 3: Sex Strike 
Expert 3: My frenemy — who gets everything she wants
The Plan: I set off to deny my husband of sex, which quite frankly wasn’t too difficult considering that I’ve been so mad at him for being a pig. I knew if I taunted him by being sexy and then said no, he’d want it even more.

I just couldn’t do this — it’s too dishonest. My frenemy can use sex to get her way, but I decided to try something radical but all too obvious. I opted to talk to my SH. I told him I don’t want to nag but I feel like he isn’t doing his share of the housework (or respecting my neat-freak tendencies), and that I feel underappreciated. “I get it,” he said, “but I feel like you don’t realize the things I do for you.” And when he reminded me of the fact that he buys me stamps, fixes every single electronic around the house, and always replenishes the toiletries — even the girly ones — the lightbulb went off. A slob will never be neat, but that doesn’t mean a messy man isn’t trying. Oh, and as it turns out, Mom does know best. One day last week she said to me casually over coffee, “If you want your husband to do something, make sure to tell him early on because it’s much harder to get him to change later.”

The importance of a father’s impact on his son cannot be underestimated. The father-son relationship is as important as it is underestimated in the successful development of a man, who becomes a partner, husband and parent himself. 

For a lot of men in our culture, men are either physically absent, or emotionally absent. The problem is that a lot of men don’t have a clue about how to be emotional, or to use the tools that they don’t have to solve relationship or communication problems. With that inability to use the necessary tools to create and navigate successful relationships, men get into trouble, and then unconsciously pass down to their sons the things that creates problems for themselves.

One example of what I mean is the ability for men to connect to their anger. Men traditionally either explode in rage and anger to get what they want, or will internalize their anger, and let it turn into anxiety, depression and a host of other secondary problems. Depression and anxiety have other roots and causes, but interpersonally, anger is created a lot of times and then suppressed when our needs for love, affection, importance, to be seen, etc. are not met.

Men pass these things down to their sons, who then get modeled these ineffective and destructive ways of being in relationships. They learn to not meet their needs, quiet their voice, and generally suppress their various needs within a relationship and in their lives. To the extent that women are emotional beings, men could learn a thing or two about how to connect to and speak from their emotional pain.

Men can be good at doing the things that they do well: teach a kid how to fish, shoot hoops or change a tire. Men can be supportive of their sons, and provide a model in a lot of ways. Men can model being good fathers, but unfortunately, men don’t know how to model being a well-rounded man. A lot of our culture says that to be emotional is not ‘manly’, and is responsible for this, I believe. This is a problem, and a myth. 

Until we accept that connecting to our emotional selves is not a bad thing, and is not “unmanly,” I believe we are only operating with half of our full selves. I think that it’s time to break the generational cycle that fails to hand down all the tools needed for personal and relationship success for men.

If you think you struggle with not having the right tools that you need for your relationship (for example, you don’t know how to communicate with your wife or girlfriend, or you avoid conflict at all costs), I ask that you contact me for an appointment at 602.309.0568.

- Jason

How would you know this to present itself in your relationship or marriage? Here’s some ways that might help you to identify if this is a problem in your relationship.

1. You feel not good enough a lot of the time when you’re together.

2. You don’t feel praised or validated nearly as much as you feel criticized.

3. You sense that she is quietly angry at you a lot of the time.

4. She conveys to you (verbally or not) that you have to be doing something else, or something better than the way you usually do it.

5. You bottle anger up and (a) sulk and depress or (b) burst out or explode onto her.

6. When you attempt to do something for her, she has a problem with some aspect of it.

7. Your wife or girlfriend never seems to be happy or satisfied around you.

8. She’ll take control of things that you do or say.

9. You feel like she’s your second mother incarnate.

10. You find yourself avoiding her, to steer clear of her criticisms or judgments.

Although there may be somethings that you could be doing to improve your own relationship, it’s possible that your wife or girlfriend expects too much from you, and you’re confused, shut down or unable to give to her what it is that she is wanting. Maybe she’ll unclear about what she wants from you. Either way, maybe you need some professional help to understand what is going on. I would invite you in for a free consultation with me at my office, to see if these things are signs that a bigger problem is going on. Call me today at 602.309.0568. 

- Jason