On this Father’s Day, what will you to to acknowledge the man that brought you into this Earth, and who showed you the ropes about how to be the good guy you’ve grown into? Remember your first little league game where he cheered you on from the stands? How about that first bike ride? Maybe you remember the fumbled and universally awkward sex talk from Dear Old Dad (D.O.D.)

It’s so rare for sons to have that “heart” conversation with their Dads, because in our culture, “it’s just something that guys don’t do.” It’s hard for guys to connect with their fathers through an emotional connection. It’s usually through activity, or sport, or some shared hobby or activity, that dads and sons can meet, connect, and come together.

So, on this Father’s Day, I challenge you to come together and connect with your Dad. Remind him how great of a guy he is, and how much he has given to you over the years. Say it in words or actions, not in another electronic gadget that he may not really need anyways. Say it in a way that he’ll understand. You may have negative feelings towards D.O.D., but can you push them aside (or deal with them) for trying to make a connection with him on this special day.

In addition, I also see Father’s Day as a kind of “Fathering Day,” where the things that dads aren’t quite able to give their sons – whatever that may be for you – you learn to give to yourself. It’s kind of a “self-fathering”: giving to yourself what you needed, and didn’t get, from your dad.

Maybe it’s money management. Maybe it’s the art of communication. Maybe it’s learning about different relationship survival skills. Good old dad may be the greatest, but there may be some things that he didn’t pass down to you that you needed to thrive in some of your relationships, or things that you actually needed to unlearn.

“Fathering Day” is helping yourself fill in the gaps to help yourself thrive in the places where Dad might not have been able to help you. It’s honoring what you have been given from him, and making adjustments to help you thrive and succeed on top of what you’ve already got.

Remember how great your “A-Game” once was? Remember how you felt in control and really enjoyed what you were doing, whether in work or in your personal life? Yeah, we’re talking about that quality of life were you’ve achieved that sense of mastery, enjoyment and free flow, where everything seems to just line up for you – that effortless zone of achievement and happiness that makes it all happen the way it should happen.

For a lot of guys, before they know it, they’ve lost their game. Or maybe they’ve never had it. Whatever the case, bringing your “A-Game” back to your life will help drive you past feeling unmotivated and uninspired by your life. Life is way too short for a “B-Game.”

Bringing your “A-Game” back is about facing what needs to be faced in your life. It’s about summoning up the strength to burn out the barriers that are right in front of you that prevent your forward motion. It’s about taking responsibility for your self, your success and your own happiness, and taking the actions needed to optimize yourself, your life and your relationships.

Consider these possible barriers to losing your “A-Game”:

• Losing focus on what your values or goals are
• Losing your sense of self – “Who am I anymore?” (e.g. the midlife – or quarterlife – crisis)
• Avoiding anger or other negative feelings that, if dealt with, can push you through back to playing ball on the “A-Game” field
• You’ve been job hopping, unsatisfied by your work, or unstimulated by what you’re doing to earn money
• You feel blue, de-energized, lazy or shiftless a lot
• You’re angry, or just plain irritable, most of the time with others who don’t deserve to get it from you
• You are dwelling in the “it sucks to be me” state, and are pissed when others are enjoying themselves.

Setting an action plan for Bringing Your “A-Game” Back is important. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Where do I really want to be in my life? In my job? In my health? In my marriage or relationship?
2. Be specific: what does that look like? Write down the images, thoughts, ideas or draw pictures/make a collage about what that looks like in your head. Communicate it to yourself before you can clearly communicate it with anyone else, including your partner.
3. Identify the barriers to those changes: stress? depression? money? fear? lack of support from others? There are always barriers, so becoming clear on those things are important, as they tend to be a bit out of our daily consciousness.
4. Design ways to overcome those barriers: how will you figure out what it will take to conquer those things – do you need exercise? More money? More time? More communication from someone? Counseling? Time management? It could be more than one of these things you need.
5. Rank and prioritize those things that need your attention and resources. Set a reasonable time frame in which to chunk off small “baby step” goals, and then commit to the small goals every so often – once or twice a week, once a month. Remember: achieving the smaller goals, en route to the larger one, is the path to success, not chewing off a huge goal and then disappointing yourself.

Bringing your “A-Game” back will take some time, but with effort, diligence, patience and foresight, you’ll be getting back to the happy flow of your life that you’ve been missing all this time.

I counsel both men and women who are struggling in their lives and relationships, but my interest and specialty is working with men who need help. You know the guy – he’s too proud to pull over for directions (which isn’t this guy), too “strong” to admit anything that will wound his ego or his pride, has a tough time admitting responsibility for the things that he has done to negatively affect his relationship. I work with all of that.

A lot of guys I work with are guys that are “too nice”. Some people go so far as to call these guys “doormats”, but doormats are inanimate. “Nice guys” are just passive, and they aren;t used to looking out for their own needs. They can’t say ‘no’ and they sweep their own needs under the rug because they’re too afraid of actually speaking up for fear that they’ll get swatted down – especially by their woman. These guys live in fear and silence, and can be powderkegs waiting to explode.

On the flipside, I also work with alpha males, guys who are the power drivers in their lives and relationships. Some of these guys go so far as to attract the label “narcissist”, but we’ll reserve that for some of this group. Sometimes, guys in this group, have a hard time with control issues in their marriage or relationship, or even on the job for that matter. They are consumed with winning, which, as we know, comes at a cost either in the breakdown of a marriage, total stress burnout, neglect of relationships with their kids or a host of other problemss and fissures in their life. They may be chronically unhappy, never enjoying the spoils of their victories and fruits of their labor. Is this you?

But, generally, I work everyday with guys who these days are worried about their jobs, preoccupied with wanting their wives to love them and not be mad at them, suffering from emotional withdrawal, and generally want to be free of the problems that brought them in. They want successful relationships, as women do, and they want to be able to connect with their women they way that their women connect with their man. We want what you want!

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The biggest reason to work with a male relationship counselor (i.e. me) is because men often feel more comfortable talking with a guy. It’s true. I think that men feel like they have an alliance, although the reality is that counselors are neutral, shouldn’t take sides and should communicate impartiality in working with the couple.

Men often assume that female therapists are there to gang up on them, and that they’ll have two women in the same room barking at him. I understand the fear there for guys.As it happens, I get a lot of women calling me because I work with couples, and because they think two things: that a guy will indeed feel “safer”, but also because they will have a better chance of getting their guy into counseling at all. A large number of wives, girlfriends and women who care about their guys are the ones that initiate counseling.

Counseling is still seen as a self-improvement vehicle, and something that men just don’t do. We don’t help ourselves, and we surely don’t go to counseling. Part of my mission – personal and business – is to break that cultural stigma or messaging. It’s got truth to it, but it’s not totally true.

For women, the golden benefit of having a male relationship or marriage counselor is being able to work through the issues from a guy’s perspective. I have found that women are much more likely to empathize with men with they hear it from a guy counselor (your truly), and then they are more ready and able to hear, translate and assimilate what is going on for their guy. It’s very effective, because I am helping the guy to communicate to his wife in a way that only another guy can.

If you’re considering marriage or couples counseling in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, or anywhere in the Valley, consider the benefits of working with a male relationship counselor for those reasons I wrote about. I think you might find added value to the experience, and it’ll help your marriage or relationship a lot more than you might have expected.

One of the hardest parts about marriage is that needs and feelings get repressed and obscured, and then the love seems to fade. When we hold onto anger and frustration, those experiences predominate our minds and hearts, and we lose the tenderness and the openness that we need to breathe life into the relationship or marriage.

Through our defensiveness, we protect our egos as to not expose them to the “relationship elements” of criticism, negativity, harsh words and perceived aggression. It’s hard, especially for men, to know how to function with their wives and girlfriends when they’re not playing those (unconscious) interpersonal games. We spend so much time and energy upholding these fragile egos, that it’s so difficult to be in the present moment, where true change and growth can happen.

To be able to let those defenses down, communication can truly start to rev its engines. When we can stop and listen to our mate, really sit back and take in what they are saying to us, then we can start to open and accommodate their needs. We can temporarily push aside our own needs to the empathic fulfillment of the other, which is where true relationship lies. We “relate” instead of “defend,” which is ultimately not about exchange but about protection.

Becoming aware of the wounds we carry, which precede our current relationship, and learning how to understand how those wounds guide our current behavior is critical to our success as good relationship partners. Understanding that our partner, in many ways, is a mirror to us, someone who reflects the “unfinished business” that we are currently still struggling with. Translate: we still have work that we need to do, and if we can see our partner as the person closest to us that can reflect all that back to us, and we’re open to it, then we can change through our relationship. It’s conscious relationship building, which creates better and happier relationships.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Jason Fierstein
602-309-0568
jfierstein@mac.com

May 28, 2009

The ‘Joe Six Pack’: Results-Oriented Counseling for Gun-Shy Guys

Phoenix -  Some guys complain that counseling drags on and on, without hope or help – “Joe Six Pack” aims to do something different. Jason Fierstein, Counselor for Men, is pleased to announce the “Joe Six Pack” counseling package this month for men seeking help with their wives and their lives. This results-oriented bundle helps make counseling more accessible for gun shy guys who know they have to take the first step to get help, but don’t.

“I have been seeing counselors for years and you were able to help resolve my issue in only six weeks. I will be forever grateful for that. You did in only a few weeks what no one else could do in years of therapy,” said David H., Phoenix, of the counseling package.*

The “Joe Six-Pack” Special Counseling Package includes the following:
- Six-pack of individual counseling sessions, including first intake session
- Six individualized progress checks every session
- Two complimentary 20-minute phone or Skype “tune-up” sessions
- “The Guy’s Airbag: A Relationship Crash Course” interactive cd- a $15 bonus
- $100 off standard counseling rates – a great deal!

As “the man that men will talk to,” Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, has made counseling accessible for men who wouldn’t otherwise commit. In his private practice, Jason has been counseling men (and the women who love them) who are seeking happier and more fulfilling relationships with their partner. His office is located at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix, near Sky Harbor International Airport. For more information about Jason Fierstein and his counseling services, call 602.309.0568 or visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com.

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*Counseling success is based on individual progress, and results may vary

They may not have fangs and live in coffins, but you know the type: those people who, when you walk away from a conversation with, it leaves you feelings drained, depleted and angry – almost like you had the blood sucked out from you. These so-called “emotional vampires” are there to instictually stun you, drain your essence and leave your carcass in their wake.

What to do? How to fend yourself? It takes a little more creativity than just wrapping a garlic bulb necklace around your neck, so let’s talk about what to do.

It all kind of depends on the type of a relationship. Emotional vampries can range from your social vampire at a party, to the best friend vampire who drains you over the course of years. Maybe you know both types, and maybe you fall prey in both ways.

Learning to disengage from the person, and to say ‘no’ is the first step. There are classy ways of making yourself “extinct”, especially at parties. A quick excuse, or the old “pick and roll” (finding another victim, introducing them to your new vampire acquaintance, and then sliding out of the way) will work at a party.Kindly (and gently) stepping out of a conversation with that person, as to not hut their feelings, yet keep you protected behind your forcefield, is essential to taking care of yourself.

On the other hand, having a close friend who is avmpire is trickier. I would suggest that you have an honest conversation about your feelings, and admit to them that you feel invisible, drained and unimportant when you talk with them won’t hurt anybody. Being able to create airtime for yourself is taking care of yourself, and pushing back against the torrent of words is tricky but not impossible. Also, setting boundaries about what is talked about in conversation is important: telling your friend that you don’t want to talk about a certain topic anymore, or that you feeling uncomfortable or are confused about what they want from you, are good segways to changing the conversation.

These are quick fixes, but standing up for yourself and for getting what you want take some time. Be patient with yourself, try and try again, and know that you can’t count on people changing – you can just change your own perspective and how your engage with that person.

To start, a couple needs to mutually agree that counseling is what they want to do, and how they want to go about helping their marriage. Often times, one partner is hesistant or resistant to coming in and starting the marriage counseling process. Men have resistance to the process, as sometimes they think that the marriage counselor will side with the wife, and will malign against them. Having two marriage counselors works, and, as a counselor for men and couples here in Phoenix, Arizona, I can tell you it’s a lot easier to get men to come in when they think that a male counselor both understands their side and is less likely to side with their wife and against them.

How will you know if you need marriage counseling? A lot of couples report fighting incessantly over the same things, time and again. Fights and conflicts start from the smallest things, where it used to take quite a bit in the past to get a fight going. When communication is shut down, or nonexistent, then it’s usually time to seek out the help of a professional counselor or therapist. When joy and fun have waned, it’s probably time to seek out someone’s help. If you think that all you have together are external things, such as the children, house, car, lifestyle, or anything else outside of the relationship or marriage that keeps you together, it’s probably time to get help. The marriage needs to be happy on its own, and stand on its own two legs, not on outside things that prop it up.

Admitting that you both need marriage counseling is the hard part. Actually saying to yourself, and then to your spouse, that you think you both need help is a big step in the process of reparation and healing. Making the call is the next step.

Getting men into counseling is sometimes one of the harder aspects of counseling. Men who will commit to the process are sometimes resistant to get help until the problems have accumulated to the point of breaking – often the 11th hour.

One of the problems that men experience is a failure to diagnose the problem as it is accumulating. It’s hard for anyone to be able to be fully aware of what the problem is, when we’re in it. Our perspective is pretty skewed when we are in the midst of our own problem, yet for men, it’s difficult to ask for help, which compounds the problem.

Taking the first step to ask for help is half the solution. Just getting into talk with a therapist or counselor is a great start, but making the commitment to come in on a regular basis is just as important. At times, especially for a guy in a relationship, they think that having a “good week” with their wife or girlfriend means that they can quit counseling. Not true. Just because the week might go well, which is good, doesn’t mean that men have their relationship problems solved. Sometimes, the counseling work in do with men in Phoenix, Arizona, is deeper than than, and requires more time commitment.

A lot of time, it’s the wife or girlfriend who initiates the first step to get counseling for their guy. Then, the guy will come in, often times as a couple. Women often are the initiators to getting help to fix or save their relationship, but not always. As the traditional caretakers, I often talk with women who are more outwardly concerned about preserving their marriage than their guys are.

Men work very successful in therapy when it is solution-focused, and there are skill-building exercises and homework for them to do. They feel most successful when those things produce results in their relationship, which spurs them on to continue with the counseling process.

Here’s a little video on some ideas about the role of pornography in men’s lives, as related to their romantic relationships. I hope you like it. Comments? Questions? What do you think?

Men, Pornography and Relationships