If there is no time to waste, use one or more of the seven short steps to turn around the tempo in your relationship or marriage. Many guys that I talk with call me at the 11th hour, when it may or may not be too late to save their relationship. They go in a panic mode, and wants to do whatever they can to save their relationship. The simple fact: it’s not as easy as that. But try telling that to some of these desperate guys.

Here’s seven short steps to improving your chances for relationship success, and hopefully staving off some more sour times for you and her. Here we go:

1. Listen well. if she feels heard, and she feels like you’re not trying to fix it, you’re doing well.
2. Take ownership or responsibility. You’ve probably helped contribute to the situation.
3. Understand your role. Don’t just apologize because you think that’s what she wants to hear, and for something that you didn’t do. It’s phony, and she’ll see through it.
4. Prioritize her. A lot of times, well-intentioned guys prioritize other things, like their friends, career, ESPN, or anything else but her.
5. Improve your ability to give her affection, whether it’s verbal, physical, or sexual. They’re all related.
6. Understand what she needs from you, and do it.
7. Time, energy and variety: prioritize her by creating time for her, put some energy into the planning and try to infuse some variety into activities that you spend with her. Try something new each time.

I hope that these seven short tips trigger something in you want to do a little bit different. Relationships are a lot of work, and those that think that just cruising through a relationship is okay, it ain’t. Relationships,  like everything else in our lives, yield great gains when attended to on daily basis.

If there could be a point in time where a couple realizes that there is a problem, I would have to say that one that I hear more often than not is when the guy ends up with his fist through the wall, or does a number of other scary behaviors that frighten or intimidate their partner. In this blog post, I want to talk about  the volcanic anger that guys experience, and how to help stave it off before it erupts.

I’m not just talking about “those guys.” One universal phenomenon that I see with many men is that they say that “I’m not that guy.” A lot of men are quick to push away the label of “angry guy”, because “that’s just not me.”

I think that there is a difference between being angry, and identifying yourself as an angry guy. The two are different. Having an experience of anger is different from taking on the identity of “angry guy.” the angry guys are always other guys — the violent types that have their fragile, crying women backed up into the corner, cowering in fear. You know who I’m talking about.

Once we get past that distinction, I’m interested to know what happens between point A and point B. This is the hard part because we unconsciously get sucked into reactivity when we get angry, and for many people, it’s extremely difficult to slowdown and become mindful of the thoughts and feelings that arise in us when our partner triggers that anger in us. It’s like she’s lighting the fuse, and it’s a matter of time until the explosion. The reactive experience seems out of our control, and then our fist ends up in the wall.

I could talk about ways to cool down, like simple breathing or “going to take a walk”, but that doesn’t relieve you of the experience of anger.

What’s really important is to get in touch with the anger and to see it as an experience that you’re having, no different than happiness or sadness or whatever. To see it as an experience instead of your identity, it creates more ease about allowing yourself to have that experience. So many guys that I talk with are afraid of their anger, and thus afraid of being “that angry guy.”

The ideal situation is to extinguish the lit fuse while it’s creeping up towards detonating your bomb. How do you do this? It’s critical to stay connected to your wife or girlfriend, get in touch with your anger (bonus: getting in touch with the physical sensation of anger in your heart or chest panel as it comes up and speaking from that place)  and to communicate what is happening with you in the present moment.

To speak from your anger, and not to react against it, is so key. Being able to speak your needs and that you’re angry, by simply saying “I’m furious” or “I’m so angry at you”, are things that will actually bring you closer, and shorten the distance between you and her. It sounds a little strange, but so is putting up this through the wall. Ultimately, counseling is cheaper than drywall repair.

Sometimes, for potential clients, the hardest part is working up both the courage to admit that there is a problem in their life that needs attention. For clients, especially guys, it’s easy to avoid admitting or knowing when to admit there’s a problem. That’s the first step. Actually finding a professional therapist is a whole other matter.

People don’t always know who they need – they just know that they need help. When it comes time to research a counselor or therapist, many seek out the recommendations of their friends and family. They trust that they’ll feel safe and comfortable with that professional if those they love vouch for the therapist (like any good service provider).

But if there’s no personal referral, the search for help becomes like hiding your eyes and throwing the dart at the board. You hope for a hit, and you could just as well throw it way off the target.

Knowing who does what is an important start. Here’s a quick primer to get you going, and a simple way to understand the alphabet soup of credentials that your next therapist might have:

LPC = Licensed Professional Counselor. In the State of Arizona, LPC’s are licensed by the state through the Board of Behavioral Health Examiners, and are educated and trained to work with a variety of problems. Many specialize, so it’s important to know which speciality the LPC you are interviewing works with – kids, relationships, depression, trauma? Many generalize, and it’s important to know that yours will have experience working with your unique issues.

PhD/PsyD = Psychologist. These professionals are also licensed, and have a Doctorate in Psychology (as opposed to LPC’s who are Master’s Level in Counseling and Psychology). Psychologists can do individual and couples therapy, and have an advantage of administering tests and batteries, aside from clinical work.

LMFT = Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Background in working with families and marriages, and workj in therapy with those populations. These professionals are Master’s level, and licensed by their state’s licensing board.

MSW = Social Worker. Social workers often do therapy with individuals and couples, and are Master’s level in education, trained, and licensed by the state in which they practice.

Life coach = Life coach. Life coaches are newer to the scene, and do not perform psychotherapy. Life coaches are not therapists, but can help you in areas of life management, goal setting and much more. They are not licensed by the State of Arizona, but are certified through private organizations.

MD = Psychiatrist. Many psychiatrists do not do individual therapy much anymore. They are trained medical doctors, who specialize in psychiatry and psychiatric disorders. They are who you want for medications (including antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications) and psychiatric problems and illnesses, and often times refer out for therapy these days.

Hope this little guide to decoding the search for a therapist helps you understand you you need to get to to help you and your problems. Remember: the most important element to counseling is the relationship that you develop with that professional, and it’s important that you know, like and trust the person you are confiding in and opening up to.

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At Phoenix Mens Counseling, I work extensively with gay clients and couples to help them better their lives and relationships. My practice is same-sex friendly, and I work with couples to help communicate better, lessen anger and cool tension, and learn to have successful relationships.

Some of the issues that I help same-sex clients with include:

- dealing with family members that haven’t accepted their gay lifestyle

- working with the ill effects of social stigma, and feeling comfortable with themselves

- having fulfilling relationships with their partners

- sexuality issues

- working through difficult emotions dealing with HIV and AIDS

I invite you to contact me at 602.309.0568 to find our about my services that are tailored to the gay community, or check out PFLAG Phoenix to learn more about me.

When I saw this title, which came from a search for my counseling services, I thought it was brilliant. I couldn’t have said it better. I’ve never thought to Google things that specifically, but I liked it, and I decided to convert it into a blog post today.

So, how do you convince your husband to get counseling? I mean, guys are typically uninterested in counseling, or self-growth, or any of that gobbledy-gook.

Obviously, the best answer (and biggest plug) I could say is to bring them into a counselor for me, ahem, yours truly. As a counselor for guys, I know how guys tick, and I know that a lot of men do say that they feel intimidated by female couples counselors. They think that these therapists will malign against them, and their fears of a man-hating fest will come true. No so, but I understand the fear. Bring them into someone that gets them, and understands both the psychology of your guy, and how he operates within a relationship.

When communicating with your guy about seeking counseling, don’t try these things, ladies: shaming him, analyzing him, controlling him, crying, threatening to leave him or the relationship/marriage, parenting him, making him feel bad, prodding him over and over to go to counseling (parenting), the same way you might to get him to help with the chores or picking up the kids from day care.

Here’s what I think would work: taking special time to sit down with him, and speak from your heart. Say, “You know, I’m really concerned about some things that have come up for me in our marriage, and I don’t think that I/we can do them on their own. I’m feeling frustrated and helpless, and our marriage – and you – mean so much to me, that I’d like to talk with you about your thoughts about going in together to talk with a counselor about how to help fix our relationship.”

Guys respond well to the concept of “the fix”, because that’s how our minds work anyways, and by taking ownership for your feelings (and that you contribute to the conflict in your relationship), he will know that you’re serious and open to taking a look not just at the problems, but your role in shaping those problems. It will make him more likely to do the same, in taking a look at his role in creating those problems.

As long as the guy is the “identified patient”, as we say in the field, as is the “source of all suffering” in the marriage, his scapegoat status will affect his ability to come in for counseling and be on the same page as you. I see this dynamic all the time, and if this is true for you and your partner, watch the tendency to scapegoat the other while not taking personal responsibility for what you help to create that’s problematic.

I was watching a video of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina yesterday, stumble through his atonement from his bewildering escapades to South America. He explained his extramarital affair, and all the people he hurt, and uses a lot of “believer”-type vocabulary – basically his “fall from grace”. This type of thing happens so frequently with men, and it is embodied in our fallen politicians, such as Govs. Sanford, fmr. Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York and others.

Repentance is, well, kind of obligatory these days, and even promotional and accepted, to ensure a continued politcal career. But, what I am concerned about is ensuring that guys stop this self-destructive behavior, and start to embrace their “shadow sides”. Shadow sides, you may ask?

Carl Jung talked about the concept of the “shadow” to mean those repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts in us. “Everyone carries a shadow,” Jung wrote, “and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

As men, the fact that we act on our repressed and unsatisfied sexual drives and urges, and hurt those we love, is testimony to the “blackened and dense” qualities of extramarital affairs.

Embracing one’s shadow side is not easy. It takes guts. It takes courage. And it takes someone trained in exploration of these matter, such as a counselor or psychotherapist. So long as your shadow side lurks in your unconscious mind, creating unconscious thoughts, words and behaviors, you’re as good as on autopilot. It’s really hard to seize control back from those impulses when your shadow runs the show.

Shadow Man

Where is your shadow lurking?

Upon assimilation of one’s shadow, the behaviors diminish and stop. The impulses drop, and the behaviors quit. With extramarital sex, which is often unmet needs in a marriage or relationship (not so much the actual sex), we lose the sense of personal responsibility, both for our actions and for communicating to our partner what we are failing to get within the relationship.

Most of the time, when guys are asked, the reasons for cheating on their women is not about the sex: again, it’s what needs are not being met in the marriage, which could include sex, but not limited to. Maybe a guy doesn’t feel seen or heard. Maybe they’re angry, and wanting to unconsciously “get back” at their wife. There are reasons that motivate men more than just the sex.

I’m not going to start out by saying that depression is merely a function of not getting what you want. Depression has roots deeper than that explanation. It can be caused, or related to, nutritional imbalances, individual and varying biochemistry, neurochemical reasons (such as serotonin imbalances, or other neurotransmitters), and so on.

Many men I work with, however, experience depression as a reaction to deeply unmet needs. Many times, these men don’t know how to go about getting those needs met, so they will resort to employing the ineffective skills that they have learned growing up, which cause them to sink into depression. For men, being afraid of their anger, or speaking up for themselves, is threatening, so depression becomes “more comfortable” (relatively speaking) than activating their energy and going out into the world to get what they need.

Through poor interpersonal communication skills, a lot of guys can’t simply language what they need, either from a friend, a lover or an employer. The verbal skills aren’t there, and then these depressed men end up creating false assumptions about themselves that they link to that person or event. “Well, if I was worthy enough for their attention, then so-and-so would give me the time of day,” or “Well,if she really loved me, she wouldn’t be acting this way towards me. I must be flawed, or unlovable, and therefore unacceptable to her.” These are examples of the kind of self-talk that puts us in the depressed state.

We end up fabricating evidence based on assumptions we make up about other people’s intentions, that reinforce the negative and critical beliefs we have about ourselves. This perpetuates the cycle of depression, and we continue to look for that “evidence” out in the world, to continually reinforce those beliefs over and over again, getting us more and more depressed. We are creating our own reality, because our beliefs about ourselves are negative, all-consuming, and powerful.

Fortunately, we can change those beliefs, burn out what is not working in our lives, and start to look for “affirming evidence.” The negative messages are not us – as many guys falsely believe – but when we take those messages on as our identity, we end up creating a lot of problems for ourselves, such as depression.

I counsel both men and women who are struggling in their lives and relationships, but my interest and specialty is working with men who need help. You know the guy – he’s too proud to pull over for directions (which isn’t this guy), too “strong” to admit anything that will wound his ego or his pride, has a tough time admitting responsibility for the things that he has done to negatively affect his relationship. I work with all of that.

A lot of guys I work with are guys that are “too nice”. Some people go so far as to call these guys “doormats”, but doormats are inanimate. “Nice guys” are just passive, and they aren;t used to looking out for their own needs. They can’t say ‘no’ and they sweep their own needs under the rug because they’re too afraid of actually speaking up for fear that they’ll get swatted down – especially by their woman. These guys live in fear and silence, and can be powderkegs waiting to explode.

On the flipside, I also work with alpha males, guys who are the power drivers in their lives and relationships. Some of these guys go so far as to attract the label “narcissist”, but we’ll reserve that for some of this group. Sometimes, guys in this group, have a hard time with control issues in their marriage or relationship, or even on the job for that matter. They are consumed with winning, which, as we know, comes at a cost either in the breakdown of a marriage, total stress burnout, neglect of relationships with their kids or a host of other problemss and fissures in their life. They may be chronically unhappy, never enjoying the spoils of their victories and fruits of their labor. Is this you?

But, generally, I work everyday with guys who these days are worried about their jobs, preoccupied with wanting their wives to love them and not be mad at them, suffering from emotional withdrawal, and generally want to be free of the problems that brought them in. They want successful relationships, as women do, and they want to be able to connect with their women they way that their women connect with their man. We want what you want!

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One of the hardest parts about marriage is that needs and feelings get repressed and obscured, and then the love seems to fade. When we hold onto anger and frustration, those experiences predominate our minds and hearts, and we lose the tenderness and the openness that we need to breathe life into the relationship or marriage.

Through our defensiveness, we protect our egos as to not expose them to the “relationship elements” of criticism, negativity, harsh words and perceived aggression. It’s hard, especially for men, to know how to function with their wives and girlfriends when they’re not playing those (unconscious) interpersonal games. We spend so much time and energy upholding these fragile egos, that it’s so difficult to be in the present moment, where true change and growth can happen.

To be able to let those defenses down, communication can truly start to rev its engines. When we can stop and listen to our mate, really sit back and take in what they are saying to us, then we can start to open and accommodate their needs. We can temporarily push aside our own needs to the empathic fulfillment of the other, which is where true relationship lies. We “relate” instead of “defend,” which is ultimately not about exchange but about protection.

Becoming aware of the wounds we carry, which precede our current relationship, and learning how to understand how those wounds guide our current behavior is critical to our success as good relationship partners. Understanding that our partner, in many ways, is a mirror to us, someone who reflects the “unfinished business” that we are currently still struggling with. Translate: we still have work that we need to do, and if we can see our partner as the person closest to us that can reflect all that back to us, and we’re open to it, then we can change through our relationship. It’s conscious relationship building, which creates better and happier relationships.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Jason Fierstein
602-309-0568
jfierstein@mac.com

May 28, 2009

The ‘Joe Six Pack’: Results-Oriented Counseling for Gun-Shy Guys

Phoenix -  Some guys complain that counseling drags on and on, without hope or help – “Joe Six Pack” aims to do something different. Jason Fierstein, Counselor for Men, is pleased to announce the “Joe Six Pack” counseling package this month for men seeking help with their wives and their lives. This results-oriented bundle helps make counseling more accessible for gun shy guys who know they have to take the first step to get help, but don’t.

“I have been seeing counselors for years and you were able to help resolve my issue in only six weeks. I will be forever grateful for that. You did in only a few weeks what no one else could do in years of therapy,” said David H., Phoenix, of the counseling package.*

The “Joe Six-Pack” Special Counseling Package includes the following:
- Six-pack of individual counseling sessions, including first intake session
- Six individualized progress checks every session
- Two complimentary 20-minute phone or Skype “tune-up” sessions
- “The Guy’s Airbag: A Relationship Crash Course” interactive cd- a $15 bonus
- $100 off standard counseling rates – a great deal!

As “the man that men will talk to,” Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, has made counseling accessible for men who wouldn’t otherwise commit. In his private practice, Jason has been counseling men (and the women who love them) who are seeking happier and more fulfilling relationships with their partner. His office is located at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix, near Sky Harbor International Airport. For more information about Jason Fierstein and his counseling services, call 602.309.0568 or visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com.

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*Counseling success is based on individual progress, and results may vary