Why do men in pain hold it in up until the last minute, and then seek out help when the damage has been done? Are men naturally predisposed to pain aversion? What would happen if men were to more proactively seek out mental health counseling or therapy before an otherwise manageable problem ended up destroying them?

Men are beings not socialized to seek out resources and social support the way women do. Women can seek out the comfort and support of friends and family, whereas men tend to hide and obscure their pain in private. A lot of this has to do with the stigmatization of what it means to be a man in our culture. Men are taught, from an early age on, that “real men don’t cry”, and to stuff our emotions and shift into mastery or accomplishment mode to overcome adversity and get things done in the world.

The effect is that problems fester and grow, like mushrooms growing in the dark and dampness of a dead tree. Without light, these problems will get larger, be they marriage problems, work-related issues or general mental health issues.

Depression has many causes, but it gets exacerbated by this effect. Depression can be treated by medications and/or therapy or counseling, but many men succumb to “suffering in silence” and don’t seek it out until facets of their life start to crack at the foundations. They choose to seek pain alleviation when things are bad, and possibly irreparable.

Seeking out a professional counselor for help, and stepping out of denial and stigmatization, are huge tasks for men to do. Often, it’s the bulk of the work just getting there to want help. Seeking out that help proactively is critical in learning the skills needed to learn to help oneself, so that life can get easier, relationships better, and quality of life can be improved.

Without a rudder, it becomes really difficult to steer our boat. We get tossed about on the seas, swing this way and that. The sense of direction is lost, and our journey is haphazard and without focus momentum.

Finding purpose — whether that be in our relationships, work, play or friendships — is outfitting your boat with a rudder. Actions and behaviors become intentional, and they become filled with a focused purpose. No longer are we just victims of circumstance or of our own lives.

Many people without that purpose, without that inner knowing, enter and exit situations within their lives in a very indiscriminate way. Without purpose, we are left to our impulsive mind to take over. And often times, that impulsive mind makes decisions for us that are not aligned with our deeper and truer purpose. We get into relationships that we look back on and think, “That was really not good for me in the long run.” we take jobs that we don’t really want to take, and spend money in places that we don’t really mean to.

Developing purpose is like bringing a high-powered laser into the equation. We have a very powerful tool in which to create a focus and energy to direct towards those people, places, and experiences that will enhance our sense of purpose, and fulfill those ideas about how our lives should be led, which makes us happier.

Connecting to that purpose — not just identifying it — is just as important. Learning how to connect regularly to that which brings us purpose is critical to our success and our happiness. Creating a regular relationship with those things that bring us purpose reinforces our sense of purpose and continually teaches us how to spend our precious time, energy and resources. What’s just as important is to identify those roadblocks and barriers to finding our purpose, which in some cases, can be just as much of a pursuit as going directly after our purpose.

A lot of counseling clients that I talk with have difficulties knowing how to take care of themselves. They are so busy taking care of work, family, money and other life stressors that they don’t have the time or the know-how to develop and practice good self-care techniques.

One of the most important ideas to understand is your personal threshold point. At what point do you start to show wear and cracks? Can you recognize when you get to that point? More importantly, how can you remedy those issues before they really start to affect your mind and body wellness?

That personal threshold point is different for every person. Developing an understanding and clear self-awareness about when that point arises is the first step in practicing self-care. Some people have a very high threshold for stress; others start to show wear earlier.

For men and women alike, the concept of saying “no” is one contributing factor to practicing better self-care. We live in a very demanding culture — one that expects constant multitasking and perfectionism. Being able to say “no”– even when our environment beckons that we say “yes” – is a practice in honoring and respecting yourself. It’s knowing your limits, and it’s not giving out more than you can give, which erodes one’s ability to give anything at all.

Another way to understand self-care is to know what blocks or barriers come between you and the healthy image of you in your mind. We can all agree that eating well, exercising, practicing spirituality or contemplation, and the like, are all positive pursuits on the road to self-care. But, what’s more interesting is how we limit ourselves from the inside with negative self-talk.

What negative messages or beliefs keep you in a state of procrastination or lack of motivation? How do you undermine your own efforts, and keep yourself from the ideal healthy you in your mind? I think those questions are much more relevant, because we need only to listen to our culture which tells us to eat better, exercise daily, be happy… we know all this, and yet sometimes we don’t always do what we know is best for us in the long run.

Practicing good self-care is very important, but understanding our motivations and intentions, as well as the roadblocks and barriers to our own success, is even more important. If we create the right motivations and intentions, we are laying a solid foundation for the continued practice of good self-care over the course of a lifetime.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling – some of the benefits!

- Learn better communication with your wife/ girlfriend
- Feel more appreciated
- Get “in sync” again with her
- Break the “suffer in stoic silence” mode
- Generate energy, fun and laughter
- Lower stress and reduce tension
- Less “thinking too much” about your problems – get out of  your head
- Get help for your depression & start feeling better
- Stop avoiding!
- Be more productive on the job
- Cool your angry feelings
- Get the respect you deserve from others

I specialize in working with men who are struggling in all aspects of their lives: in relationships, in work, with money and with self-image and self-esteem issues. I am a therapist that understands the unique and complicated issues that men might not feel comfortable talking about with a general counselor. I work with guys in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, Chandler and surrounding areas. Give me a call, or e-mail directly through my website to find out more information about my services.

Looking for a gay-friendly counselor who you can work well with? Are you struggling with your partner and need to feel more at ease about your relationship?

My counseling practice offers same-sex couples and individuals help in dealing with the day-to-day issues, including:

Individual Counseling To:

• Deal with emotions related to coming out issues, including with friends, family and peers
• Feel good about yourself, and develop stronger self-esteem
• Cool anger and tension
• Feel less depressed and anxious
• Work through difficulties related to HIV/AIDS issues
• Combat issues of feeling stigmatized
• Take pride in yourself again

For Same-Sex Partnerships, You Can:

• Create better, stronger and more supportive partnerships
• Stop giving to others to the point of feeling depleted
• Start to really trust again
• Enjoy better sex with your partner
• Learn how to finally identify what you need
• Learn how to communicate to get what you want
• Work through tough premarital or pre-commitment issues
• Bring back the intimacy with your partner
• Identify if your current relationship is healthy (or not) for you

I invite you to visit my website at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com, Or call me directly at 602.309.0568. I’m happy to talk with you about how I can help you deal with your unique problem or concern.

People often talk about their moment of clarity when they shift into a higher awareness about how to tackle the problem. Some call it their “aha” moment. Some are less certain about what changes have come about but know something is different in the way that they approach a problem.

This process of illumination is different for all, and as varied as there are people experiencing change. It’s a very personal and subjective experience, but transforms both inner and outer environments in a profound way.

How do you jump from “tree-to-forest” perspective in your own life? Concerning the important changes that you have made in your own life and relationships, what has the illumination process consisted of for you? How have you made the changes in your life that have brought you improved awareness and success?

We know when we have achieved the forest perspective when things in our life (subtle or not) begin to take effect. Our loved ones respond to us differently. Maybe we feel less stressed. We can experience moment to moment happiness for once without mentally living in the future. Or maybe we can learn to stop being so hard on ourselves and develop a little more patience and gentleness.

(This article originally appeared in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix Online’s August 14, 2009 edition.)

I’m not mourning the death of the traditional dating experience quite yet, but I do see the heavy use of social media speeding it up.

Social media is now everywhere. Facebook boasts more than 250 million active users, and Oprah recently ushered Twitter into mainstream status. Is the heavy use of social media another death knell for traditional dating as we know it?

I think that the forces of texting, smart-phone use and social media addiction, combined with a wider cultural acceptance of “hooking up” (read: sexual encounters without the need for traditional relationships or intimacy), are making it much more difficult to really get to know someone in the way that the dating process did previously.

Although communication is light-speed and readily available, I don’t know that it helps us understand dating and mating any better. We’re talking a lot, but are we really saying much at all sometimes? For the daters that I talk with, it seems even harder to connect with someone in a meaningful way, now that we’re all wired, active and interconnected. Loneliness still festers, even if it’s digitally.

As evidenced by popular dating Web sites, like JDate, Match.com and eHarmony, we want to put on our very best face to prospective buyers. I think the same idea carries over to the use of social media, where that invisible electronic buffer allows us to show only those parts of us that we want others to see, and keep hidden the rest.

In some ways, revealing oneself on a social media site is more instantaneous and easier to do from behind a keyboard than in front of a live person.

But how much are we really revealing? Did the “archaic” dating process allow us the slow “meet and greet” process that social media simply excludes?

The mystery of getting to know one another as a time-honored process is simply too lengthy and too time-consuming. For many formerly “traditional” daters, going on a date with a guy or girl is simply outmoded, considering that they can communicate directly with them in 140 characters or less. Why spend the money and time on dinner and a movie when we could be getting to know someone online in a more efficient manner?

The evolution of the Internet and social media forecasts some very interesting changes happening with the way that we date and create relationships. I hope we can still take the time out to get to know people the way we used to in the past. In more than 140 characters.

Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, is a counselor for men and couples who practices in Phoenix. Call 602-309-0568 to set up an appointment, or visit phoenixmenscounseling.com for more information.

When we get in our own way, it’s hard to do a post-mortem on what exactly went wrong, and it’s even tougher to look at what we did or did not do to contribute to it. Whether our relationship failed, whether we are lazy in pursuing our professional passions, or whether we haven’t learned to bring more friendship into our lives, it’s easy to blame the outside world and hard to take responsibility for making those changes that we need to take in pursuit of our own happiness and satisfaction. A lot of times, we just simply don’t know what we want. Or, were too scared to go get what we want. There is distance between us and expressing our values.

Wavering on our values is a big part of where we get in our own way. It’s hard to make the changes that we really want to see for our lives — the way we envision ourselves in the future — when we compromise those things that are at the core of our being — our values.

Getting in touch with what we truly value is really tough for many men. For a lot of guys, life just kind of “takes over”, and we let life live us instead of us living our own lives. We live from the outside, not the inside, and when that happens, we set ourselves up for a whole world of pain and problems. But, when we are living in accordance with those values, life just kind of “lines up”. We live from the inside, not the outside anymore. We create a certain flow to our lives that feels easier and cleaner, just by identifying, activating and lining up with our key values.

Some guys value learning to be a better father. For some, it’s learning to communicate their needs and feelings more clearly, and to not react so defensively or angrily with their partner. For others, living one’s values means developing hobbies and interests outside of our work, or to simply live in a more organized and efficient way. Whenever the value is, the degree to which that created life is lived in a clean, easy and organic way is reflected by the degree to which we are lined up with those values we prize.

Are you living those values that are closest to your heart? If not, the deeper question is, what roadblocks and barriers are challenges to you living those values? Are they external barriers, or internal, or both? Just starting the process of identification of both the values that you hold, and the challenges to lining up with them, is the beginning of living those values. It’s the start of making the changes that will bring you the happiness that you seek for your life.

Comments welcome. I’m interested to know how you live – or don’t – your own personal values.

If you suspect that the use of pornography is coming between you and your wife or girlfriend, it probably is. It’s not something that’s totally comfortable for guys to talk about with their women, and yet for a lot of couples, it’s the elephant in the room.

Some of the stats on pornography are staggering. More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (comScore Media Metrix). This stat especially stood out to me: 70% of all online porn access occurs during the 9-5 workday (Message labs monthly report march 2004).

If we’re that willing to risk our wives leaving us, and our bosses firing us, it must be pretty addictive to get online and surf for porn. But why?

Men are visually-oriented creatures, so there is a natural attraction to porn. From an evolutionary standpoint, men are attracted physically to women who they deem fit to mate with, and the most potentially successful genetic carriers of their DNA.

But in the 21st century, we continue to operate with those outmoded evolutionary responses. On a deep level, we are concerned about survival, but day-to-day, we have much less to worry about than our ancestors did.

We now live in a culture that has stripped sexuality down to the visual basics, and has removed intimacy and emotionality from the equation. In fact, most cultural vehicles — from movies to music to magazines — promote a sort of hypersexuality which continues to erode the other elements needed in healthy and functioning sexuality.

This is where men and emotional intimacy problems come in. Mens’ attraction to visually oriented things (like Internet porn), and combined with emotional withdrawal and avoidance, this creates a perfect storm of relationship problems. Men will retreat to porn as a way to not deal with the emotional intimacy problems that they are experiencing within their relationship. This creates a vicious cycle, because porn use further aggravates the problem is already inherent within a marriage or relationship.

This is a dangerous issue because many spouses may or may not know that their guy is using (or addicted to) porn as a surrogate for their relationship intimacy. Men may not even know that it’s a problem for themselves, but the first step is just to name the problem. Realizing that this is an issue for many guys is just too much; women need to know that this is an issue, and it may be a major contributing factor to the unhealthiness of their relationship as it is now.

Help is out there. Starting a conversation with your spouse or mate is a difficult thing to do, but if you identify your relationship success and intimacy as deeper, stronger values for you and your mate, then you may prioritize those things over continued avoidance and porn use. helping yourself is identifying those values that you hold closest to your heart, and not compromising on the junk food when it becomes a problem for you and her together.

(This is an excerpt from my upcoming e-book tentatively titled “The Nice Guy’s Textbook:
On Love, Life, and Getting a Spine.” Coming soon and will be available at my site – www.phoenixmenscounseling.com.)

Anger and nice guys don’t mix. Because nice guys and stuff their emotions, it makes sense that both of their anger, too. nice guys get angry because their needs aren’t being met, but they’re not in the community that the people who make them angry. That’s the whole thing for nice guys: they’re not going to express their anger because it will lead to devastating to actually express the anger to the recipient. Instead, nice guys will swallow their anger, where it ends up mutating into much worse problems for the host nice guy.

So what happens to the anger when nice guy swallow it? A lot of things. Because the anger is not being communicated directly to the people that need here at, it stays put within a nice guy. But anger needs to come out in some way, and it often comes out through the forms of sarcasm, criticism, self-criticism, superiority, judgmentality, and on the other end of spectrum, rage and acting out physically.

A lot of nice guys are also smart guys. Smart guys being who they are often reside in their heads most of the time. The very skills and abilities that smart guys have used to create success in their lives, such as in their professional lives, are the worst skills to deal with anger. Smart guys also have the unique ability to intellectualize their anger, and this is another form of fermenting that anger loves. When I talk to guys who come in because they can’t deal with their anger, we always end up talking about how they try to “think their way out of their anger”, but it never works. I was asked them “so how is it worked for you up until this point?” These guys usually say, “well, not to good. on here and counseling now aren’t I?”

This tendency to intellectualize our anger is a real problem. We become hamsters in our own mental wheels, spinning ourselves into a mental oblivion. We also try to apply those same election will skills to solving our marriage and relationship problems, and those skills and tools are about not very successful to fixing those problems.

When nice guys get mad after having said “yes”, they tend to stuff that voice within them that really doesn’t want to say “yes”. By not saying ‘no’, these guys swallow what they really want because they’re too afraid that and they’ll be rejected by saying ‘no’. And this phenomenon plays out in all sorts of areas of the guy’s life: work, friendships, intimate relationships, within family relationships and on and on.

Stuffing anger is a real problem, because anger slowly builds up over time when it gets stuffed. Each incident of stuffing one’s anger and not saying no creates a compounding effect, where people to comes more difficult to say no and anger festers even more. Others may even notice that we where anger on our faces or in our behavior, and not know why. We may not even know why we’re angry, and not connect the dots to know that by not saying no to others when we don’t mean it, creates this cause-and-effect relationship.