Phoenix Men's Counseling Blog » Tempe

How To Fight Depression

Jason — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 19:40:40 +0000

Depression is a problem that affects millions of Americans each year, and many more people are not aware that they may be suffering from it. Fatigue, loss of interest in usual activities, malaise, problems eating and sleeping – these all characterize forms of depression.

Here’s some tips on how to fight depression:

1. Recognize that depression may be what you’re experiencing, and decide to deal with it instead of avoiding it; stay open to feedback from friends or loved ones about what they’re seeing from you.

2. Seek out the help of a trained professional. Talk with your doctor, or seek out a psychiatrist or mental health nurse practitioner who can talk with you about a possible antidepressant medication. You may also benefit from talk therapy, or counseling, to deal with the underlying issues associated with your depression.

3. Get active: engage in moderate physical exercise daily to reduce depressed feelings. This can be difficult when you feel fatigued or disinterested, but it helps.

4. Get Vitamin D/get outdoors: vitamin D helps fight depression.

5. Take Omega-3 fatty acids, either in liquid, capsule or food form (cold water fish). Talk with a physician or a nutritionist about what’s right for you.

6. Get support from friends, family, people close to you.

7. Journal your feelings regularly to see what may be the source of your depression, if there are events or people that trigger your depression.

8. Ask yourself if there are things happening in your life that need attention, or if you are not getting any major needs met in your life at the time. Sometimes, situational depression can be a result of events that stoke depression.

There is help from depression, and some of these tips may assist your recovery. Seek our support from those closest to you, and ask for help from professionals who care.

Couples Counseling: What to Expect

Jason — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 23:29:47 +0000

For those who have never been part of the counseling process before, the idea of sharing one’s most intimate self with someone (a therapist), as well as their spouse, is fear-inducing. Many couples come to couples counseling because they want to learn how to better communicate with each other, and lack the trust to be able to breach the topics of the most sensitive issues: sex, money, trust, power. Men have a hard time with relationship counseling. Most would rather enjoy a root canal that have to buy into couples counseling.

But, couples counseling is not as scary as most people think it is. In couples counseling, it is the job of the therapist or counselor to be an impartial and participatory observer, among other things. Many fear that the therapist will take sides, which is understandable yet false. A good couples counselor should be supportive of both sides, and encourage dialogue, awareness and insight for both relationship partners.

Usually, a two-hour intake will include designing a treatment plan, which is based on the agreed upon goals each couple wants to work towards together, completing an in-depth interview, and agreeing on the treatment process with a consent to treatment conversation and paperwork completion.

Couples counseling sessions are designed to identify the blocks and barriers that keep relationship or marriage partners apart and disconnected. Moreso, through insight, greater awareness and ownership, each partner is encouraged to dialogue in a way that is not falling into blaming, avoiding, hurting or any of the other myriad ways couples dysfunctionally interact with each other outside of the counseling office. Goals are set, and weekly homework assignments are given to each couple/partner to work on between sessions. Always, prioritization of quality time together needs to be the foundation, even if there are hurt or angry feelings that need to be communicated about. Couples that maintain their distance will continue to: it’s addictive to want to avoid potential conflicts, especially for many men and people who are conflict-avoidant.

These are a couple of things to think about when considering starting the process of couples counseling. It’s critical that you interview your couples counselor and make sure that the therapist is competent, experienced, compassionate, and, most of all, that you connect with your marriage counselor. Couples counseling is an investment: psychically, financially, chronologically, emotionally. Because you are putting in so much, get a sense that you’ll get out of it what you need to by researching and choosing the right therapist for you.

Why Men Cheat

Jason — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:30:27 +0000

Acceptance of cheating among men has actually decreased in recent years, compared to previous decades, like in the 1970′s, but In the age of instant communication and viral storytelling, cheating has come (and stayed) in the forefront of the cultural consciousness, with the prominence of celebrities and politicians who have cheated, and gotten caught.

But why do men cheat? Do they cheat simply for sexual gratification? The answer is multi-dimensional and not as easy as that.

According to research, the number one reason that men cheat is because they no longer feel appreciated, validated or cared for by their wives. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship may contribute to it, but the vast majority of men admit that it was because they felt neglected at home, didn’t feel appreciated for their efforts or for who they were.

Here’s how it works: A marriage or relationship slowly starts to erode when partners start to distance themselves. Often times, having children takes precedence, and a marriage is redefined in a way that it becomes second priority. Men – when not getting those needs for intimacy, appreciation or validation – begin to feel angry and hostile towards their wives. They start the emotional disconnect from their wives or girlfriends, which, in turn, creates more friction and hostility towards them by their partners. The cycle continues, and many men opt for cheating or infidelity.

In my experience, men are emotional beings that have a very difficult time learning how to access those emotions, and communicate them in a way that their partners understand. Men are used to the avoidance and withdrawal, especially in the realm of getting their needs and feelings met. Often times, they don’t have or haven’t learned the communication tools to be able to fix the problem before it gets bad. They’ll avoid or repress the problem, and not deal with it as it needs to be dealt with.

Here are some highlighted reasons why men cheat, and then added points on the Tiger Woods scandal, to contrast celebrity cheating:

Why men cheat:

- The sex is gone in their relationship

- Intimacy is usually waning or gone, which is the root of the above problem

- Men are not feeling loved, validated, appreciated or cared for by their wives

- Their wives have stopped giving them thoughtful gestures, calls, ways to express that they are thinking highly of their man

- Their man has stopped thinking that he can win in the marriage – very important, because men are wired to win (think little league baseball)

- Men usually don’t seek out the women/the women are usually someone they work with on a day to day basis

- Men lack the critical communication tools needed to function in a relationship (to speak their needs and feelings in a proactive way)

- The problems aren’t diagnosed early on in the marriage, and routine and distance become features of the marriage

- Family history of cheating, including parents, brothers, etc.

Now, on to Tiger:

- New parents’ marriages often evolve to de-prioritize the couple itself; Tiger got deprioritized

- Being a superathlete at the top of his game, and injured, contributed to his pressure to win/mental distress

- There were marital problems that drove him to cheat that weren’t dealt with appropriately

- He is also possibly (clinically) a sex addict who needs treatment

- He is surrounded by not only beautiful women who throw themselves at him, but give him the praise, adoration and validation he needs that he was lacking with Elin

- He is possibly surrounded by a sports culture (think of his friends, Barkley and Jordan) that promotes/encourages him to cheat, be unfaithful or polygamous

- Athletes have notoriously high (and often insatiable) sexual appetites, and the perfect storm came together to allow him to cheat

- Celebrities often have unusually low self-esteem, but compensate with extraordinary feats, motivation and drive; part of Tiger’s sex addiction may be to fill his “wounds” and gain self-esteem through intercourse.

Some of the reasons with Tiger are speculative, and I have not been able to fully research some of the points, but the evidence is there. Men will cheat, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Casually dispensing our sexual energy wherever it takes us is wrong, and irresponsible. As men, we need to heal our wounds within the committed relationships we invest in instead of seeking sexual/emotional gratification outside of it.

Now Is All We’ve Got

Jason — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:45:06 +0000

When we’re not living in our heads – in the regrets of the past and in the hopes for the future – we’re living safely in the present moment of our lives. Nothing too special, just being at peace with what is unfolding moment to moment. It’s what ‘is’.

Losing ourselves in our minds is an o.k. place to be while planning or daydreaming, but to get lost there and forget that the presence that we are – who we really are underneath it all – is there, waiting for us to attend to it.

Our work, relationships, thrills, and pain often reside in the past or the present. We fixate on things, people and experiences that are unfinished for us, and become resistant to moving on. People become emotionally frozen in time, and find it impossible to live presently. They forget about the very breath right under their noses.

With guys, who tend to go to their heads to solve problems, it becomes more difficult for them to tune in emotionally. Not being able to tune in emotionally, we fixate and circulate in our heads, trying over and over to fix our problem or dilemma, but never really getting anywhere.

Learning to live more in our lives – in the present moment – reduces some of the illusion and fantasy we carry with us. Sometimes this takes the help of a professional counselor or therapist, who can help unearth the frozen emotions. When we can learn how to develop emotional intelligence, tune into our bodies for the information we need to fix ourselves, and stop overusing our heads to figure it all out, I think we can start to develop the presence we need for greater happiness and more fulfilling lives.

Money Talks to Have Before Marriage (from the NY Times)

Jason — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:43:40 +0000

Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

The risk that any marriage will end in divorce is about 45 percent, according to David Popenoe, a professor of sociology emeritus at Rutgers University. The chances fall to about 40 percent for first marriages and decline further for college-educated couples, people from intact families and couples who share the same religion.

Given the various financial complications, I’ve long wanted to devote a series of columns to divorce and money. This week, I’ll start with a topic that could save some marriages if more people made it a priority. It’s crucial to air and resolve financial disagreements beforehand.

“It’s almost impossible to be hooked up to somebody who has the same balance of spender and saver as you, or expansiveness versus conservativeness or financial circumstances,” says Gregory A. Kuhlman, a New York City psychologist who runs marriage success training programswith his wife, Patricia Schell Kuhlman.

He adds that the mix gets even more volatile with second marriages, when couples may have children, ingrained financial habits and savings or other assets that necessitate the discussion of a prenuptial agreement. “Success in marriage is only partly attributable to compatibility. It’s about how you manage those differences and whether you have a style for doing so that is successful.”

What follows is a list of four financial issues that ought to be near the top of the discussion list before getting married. Please add to the list in the comments of the online version of this article.

ANCESTRY When Lisa J. B. Peterson started her Boston-based financial planning firm,Lantern Financial, she knew she wanted to focus her practice on young professionals. She quickly realized that many of them could use premarital financial counseling and built a program called Harmoney around their needs.

One of the first things she asks clients about is what she refers to as their financial ancestry. “It’s looking back at your own personal past,” she says. “How did your parents deal with money, how does that impact how you deal with it, and how might that impact the couple’s relationship?”

Because so many of our money behaviors are learned, she asks couples to share their earliest money memories — whether their father hid money from their mother or how either parent fretted over the funds available. This can be a particularly intense discussion for people whose parents were divorced, and the stories are sometimes accompanied by tears. “Money is so emotional, and people forget that,” Ms. Peterson says. “You think that it’s just numbers.”

CREDIT While it’s about the least romantic subject imaginable, your credit history holds a chunk of your permanent financial record. It follows naturally from the ancestry conversation, and Lantern Financial pulls credit reports and scores for its clients.

Molly Milinazzo and Scott Donovan, an engaged couple who live in the Dorchester section of Boston and are both 24 years old, were relieved to discover that their scores were within about 15 points of one another when they went through the Harmoney program in May. “A lot of people end up surprised, and it’s best to keep those kinds of surprises at bay,” Ms. Milinazzo says.

Full disclosure on the credit front is useful for two reasons. First, a credit report is, in part, a catalog of past mistakes and overall habits — loan payments you missed or department store credit cards you didn’t really need. That in itself is a good starting point for a discussion about what you’ve learned (or still need to learn) about handling money.

There’s an immediate practical side to this, too. If there are errors or low credit scores that a couple can improve, there may still be time to make the fixes so that the couple can get the best rates on a loan for their first home a year or two later.

CONTROL Figuring out who will pay the bills each month may not seem to be an important conversation or assignment. But it gets tricky when both people want to take it on. “People understand that in a relationship, money is control,” says Jeff Kostis, afinancial planner in Vernon Hills, Ill., who walks engaged couples and newlyweds through a checklist of questions. “If you’re not paying the bills, you don’t know where the money is going, and you feel like ‘He doesn’t want me to go out with my friends’ or ‘She doesn’t want me to play in the fantasy football pool.’ ”

For two people who have both been on their own for a while and don’t want to give up doing the monthly financial chores their own way, Mr. Kostis suggests, at a minimum, regular household meetings complete with Quicken or other spreadsheets so that the person writing the checks can keep the other one up to speed. With more stubborn couples, he might suggest handing the controls back and forth at the beginning of each year.

Mr. Kuhlman, who explains the counseling approach he and his wife take with clients atstayhitched.com, says it shouldn’t be surprising that control issues come up constantly when talking about money. “It’s concrete, you can see it,” he says. “It’s not ephemeral or less measurable, like affection.”

A few things that he suggests couples discuss early on: If one person is making most or all of the money, does that person get to make most or all of the financial decisions? If you’re the car aficionado or have researched all of the local school options for the children, do you get to make the decisions about those things? “These are the kinds of things that don’t come out when you’re dating,” he says.

AFFLUENCE Here’s another question that tends not to come up during courtship: Just how rich do we want to be one day? Mr. Kuhlman refers to this more politely as the “desired level of affluence.” “Are our career paths going to be something that pulls us together? Or, more often, are they things that will tend to pull us apart, where we’ll really have to be proactive to make sure it’s under control?” he says.

Mr. Kostis might put it a bit more bluntly, say to a spouse of an aspiring investment banker or corporate lawyer: Are you O.K. with acting essentially as a single parent, with your partner working 80 hours a week until the age of 80? “Not that there is a right or wrong answer,” he says. “It’s just about understanding, going into the marriage, what that would really mean.”

He adds that people in the financial advice business often joke that they spend half their time talking about money and the other half acting as marriage counselor. “But it’s the same communication style,” he says. “You’re giving people permission to be honest without having someone jump down their throat for giving the answer that they really want to give.”

Phoenix Men’s Counseling: Relationship Trust and The Stand Up Man

Jason — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:54:22 +0000

(Taken from “Mentality” for men monthly newsletter, October edition. Sign up at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com)

The compromising of trust is such an infectious and widespread problem, especially in intimacy and relationships. Distrust corrodes relationships, breaks down friendships, prevents career advancement and creates a schism within ourselves that widens over time.

In intimacy, the number one problem I hear women discussing is how they don’t trust their guy. They may be holding onto distrust from past incidences, or they may be reacting to things that you’re doing to stoke that distrust today. But the barriers that distrust creates block real intimacy, sexual connection and the chance to deeper and strengthen a relationship or marriage.

There are a myriad ways in our culture to erode that trust: other women, a sexually repressive culture, divorce, excessive behaviors and addiction. In our culture, men are taught to stuff their feelings and emotions, which automatically both magnetizes us to those “erosion behaviors” and sets the stage up for distrust to come.

Questions to consider in the building of trust:

Are you a man people can trust and rely on?
Do you make a practice of doing what you say, when you say it?
Would others say you compromise their trust at times? How so?
How do you deal with others emotions? Can you listen and accept them when others are down and need support?
Do you focus your emotional or sexual energies on other women, and not your wife? (e.g. thinking about other women, excessive masturbation, pornography, even flirting with other women)

A theme that I refer back to is the idea of values vs. behaviors. Are you practicing what you preach? Are your deeper values producing behaviors in the world that line up and are consistent? If not, what prevents them from mirroring your values?

Values could be anything like these:

You see a vision of a strong and healthy relationship in your life, which may be different from past relationships
You believe in truth and honesty, and seek to communicate those values through your behaviors
You want people to know, like and trust you – do you give them reasons to do that?

If you’re in a relationship now, or would like to be, I’d invite you to open this discussion up with your wife, girlfriend or partner. Talk about the insecurities that come up, and the blocks or potential threats to building that trust. If you want to build more trust, ask your partner how you could go about doing that if you suspect your relationship could benefit from more trust.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling and Therapy: Finding Purpose

Jason — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:41:11 +0000

Without a rudder, it becomes really difficult to steer our boat. We get tossed about on the seas, swing this way and that. The sense of direction is lost, and our journey is haphazard and without focus momentum.

Finding purpose — whether that be in our relationships, work, play or friendships — is outfitting your boat with a rudder. Actions and behaviors become intentional, and they become filled with a focused purpose. No longer are we just victims of circumstance or of our own lives.

Many people without that purpose, without that inner knowing, enter and exit situations within their lives in a very indiscriminate way. Without purpose, we are left to our impulsive mind to take over. And often times, that impulsive mind makes decisions for us that are not aligned with our deeper and truer purpose. We get into relationships that we look back on and think, “That was really not good for me in the long run.” we take jobs that we don’t really want to take, and spend money in places that we don’t really mean to.

Developing purpose is like bringing a high-powered laser into the equation. We have a very powerful tool in which to create a focus and energy to direct towards those people, places, and experiences that will enhance our sense of purpose, and fulfill those ideas about how our lives should be led, which makes us happier.

Connecting to that purpose — not just identifying it — is just as important. Learning how to connect regularly to that which brings us purpose is critical to our success and our happiness. Creating a regular relationship with those things that bring us purpose reinforces our sense of purpose and continually teaches us how to spend our precious time, energy and resources. What’s just as important is to identify those roadblocks and barriers to finding our purpose, which in some cases, can be just as much of a pursuit as going directly after our purpose.

Phoenix Therapist/Counselor for Men

Jason — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:14:01 +0000

Phoenix Men’s Counseling – some of the benefits!

- Learn better communication with your wife/ girlfriend
- Feel more appreciated
- Get “in sync” again with her
- Break the “suffer in stoic silence” mode
- Generate energy, fun and laughter
- Lower stress and reduce tension
- Less “thinking too much” about your problems – get out of your head
- Get help for your depression & start feeling better
- Stop avoiding!
- Be more productive on the job
- Cool your angry feelings
- Get the respect you deserve from others

I specialize in working with men who are struggling in all aspects of their lives: in relationships, in work, with money and with self-image and self-esteem issues. I am a therapist that understands the unique and complicated issues that men might not feel comfortable talking about with a general counselor. I work with guys in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, Chandler and surrounding areas. Give me a call, or e-mail directly through my website to find out more information about my services.

Phoenix Therapist/Counselor for Gay Men and Couples

Jason — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:13:58 +0000

Looking for a gay-friendly counselor who you can work well with? Are you struggling with your partner and need to feel more at ease about your relationship?

My counseling practice offers same-sex couples and individuals help in dealing with the day-to-day issues, including:

Individual Counseling To:

Deal with emotions related to coming out issues, including with friends, family and peers
Feel good about yourself, and develop stronger self-esteem
Cool anger and tension
Feel less depressed and anxious
Work through difficulties related to HIV/AIDS issues
Combat issues of feeling stigmatized
Take pride in yourself again

For Same-Sex Partnerships, You Can:

Create better, stronger and more supportive partnerships
Stop giving to others to the point of feeling depleted
Start to really trust again
Enjoy better sex with your partner
Learn how to finally identify what you need
Learn how to communicate to get what you want
Work through tough premarital or pre-commitment issues
Bring back the intimacy with your partner
Identify if your current relationship is healthy (or not) for you

I invite you to visit my website at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com, Or call me directly at 602.309.0568. I’m happy to talk with you about how I can help you deal with your unique problem or concern.

Phoenix Marriage Counseling and Therapy Services

Jason — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:19:34 +0000

A lot of times, men are pretty hesitant about coming in for counseling. Sometimes they think that there might not be a problem, and other times when they finally get around to coming in for counseling, they are scared that seeing a female therapist will end up making them regret their decision. Some guys think that a female therapist will align with their wife or girlfriend, and make the problem “all about them”.

What I offer is a unique perspective on couples counseling in my private practice. I work with many couples that want a male counselor, especially if that type of scenario would prevent their guy from coming in to see counseling services. I think that wives and girlfriends figure out that there is this window of opportunity, where if their guy finally says “Okay, yes. Let’s go ahead and get counseling,”, then those women have to act quick and strike while the iron is hot. Working with a male therapist, it’s easier for the guys to want to come in, and gives the wives or girlfriends a better chance that their guy will commit to patching up the relationship or marriage.

I’m not saying that this is the only dynamic that happens between couples, but as a counselor for men working in Phoenix, Arizona, I see this happen quite a lot. I think that guys are hesitant to admit that there’s a problem, and sometimes more hesitant to seek out help for that problem. I think guys naturally will feel more comfortable working with guys, especially if they fantasize that they will be the “problem child” in marriage therapy together.

My relationship counseling services offer something different, and many couples that I work with report success through being able to communicate more effectively, lessen the fighting and arguing, work towards common goals within a relationship or marriage, and generally feel happier and have more time to improve on the quality of their relationship.